i am mollie's bruised and swollen left ankle.

This was how I felt yesterday: mini tiny spoiler for mention of church


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So I’ve been having this feeling/premonition that I was going to fall/trip lately. I had a fear I was going to fall on the steps in my apartment and break my nose. Luckily that didn’t happen, but as I was walking home from my day program I tripped in a pothole type thing in the back of the thrift shop alley. I bent my knee and leg to the left where my knee was touching the ground. So, some nice older guy (who I thought was creepy before) who has a studio near the shop helped me limp back to my house. He was very kind and he reminded me of a father figure (in a good way that didn’t remind me of my own crappy asshole dad) since he was taking care of me. So I went to immediate care which is like a place you go for little emergencies (stitches, sprains, colds, etc.) when you can’t get into you’re GP and they make me sit for 4 hours until they find out that yes, I have a fracture (an avulsion fracture or something like that?) in my left ankle and a sprain in my left knee. Well, the guy came to ace wrap my knee and he saw some SI marks. He didn’t say anything until he saw my arm. I had just been picking at them (oddly enough out of boredom) and he noticed they were exposed. So I was all freaking out thinking they were gonna send me IP or tell my staff or my therapist or ask where my tools were, etc.. I lied and told them that I was going to see my therapist tomorrow and get my general practitioner look at the wounds in 2 days. So they cleaned me up and gave me Neosporin and put gauze on and a ace around that. The guy was really nice, he said he worked in the ER before and saw self injury (the doctor called it self-mutilation and I almost jumped off the table and attacked her)all the time and it was nothing to be embarrassed about and that they would clean up my wounds because he didn’t want me to get a major infection. He was protective too. That’s twice today I got positive male attention- it was a bit embarrassing because my legs were hairy!! I don’t shave in the cold months but this day I wish I had, lol. That really should be the least of my troubles but you know, I’m a girl and worry about my appearance. So then the doctor comes in and starts talking to me about who I can talk to about “those feelings” when I want to “self-mutilate” -
* brief mention of Christianity/church******
she started to tell me to go to church and how people there would understand [this is not true to my past experiences] and everything would be okay the scars would go away,blah blah blah.
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and how I need to talk to people instead because I could get really sick, blah blah blah, stuff you hear when you know the person they’re talking to has gotten “caught” for the first time. So then I had to make up a lie for having these bandages on my left arm (which are from SI)- so I said that when I fell I scratched my arm and they had to cover it. I don’t know what to do when I take off the bandages because then I have to go back to hiding my wounds again. So my ankle is pounding, my knee is achey and my armpits hurt(crutches wreak havoc!!!), lol. Tomorrow I have to see an orthopedist and im sure they’ll just say that I need to wear an air cast (like I’m already doing) and ice it and all that jazz. This isn’t new to me- I had a fracture last winter (though I don’t remember if it was the same ankle) and before that had a fracture in 9th grade and wore the infamous “walking cast” that I called “The boot” for 4 months. So it’s been an interesting but painful and long day. I only have frozen vegetables to ice my knee and foot with, I guess I shouldn’t plan on cooking them when I’m recovered? J Well, I hope everyone else has had a good day or at least a decent day and my thoughts are with those who are struggling and fighting this battle with SI thoughts or behavior or just feel like crap.>>



Okay- so today I had a day from hell. We(my staff and I) could not find the building of the orthopedist for the life of us, he had changed locations and we had the old address- we stopped 3 different times to ask for directions. So I finally get there, an hour late- and i go to look at my x-rays from immediate care- and they only have the one of my KNEE. I didn't fracture my knee- everything was fine except the sprain. So then I didn't know if they could take me back but they did. They told me I had an avulsion fracture but that it was from a while ago in some previous accident and that I had a badly sprained ankle (yucky bruised up-ness and huge swelling) so now I have to do physical therapy 2-3 times a week for 6 weeks!! AGH!! I hate it. And yes, all I needed was the air cast :) No one found out about the SI so I'm safe (I hope). The orthopedist said to walk on it as soon as I can, so i've been hobbling around my 3 story apartment,lol. I feel weird, I'm getting that anxious at night feeling again. One of my peers freaked out today from a really bad panic attack and had to go IP, she was screaming and whatnot and it was scary. the little parts did not like it but we were frozen there unable to move. we know that she's safe in the hospital but I still miss her and worry about her.She's only 18- though me being 19 isn't that much of an difference. I just want everyone to be okay. Okay, the ambien's kicking in <3,

-molliebear(((hugs)))
"She takes the pills to fall asleep,And dream that she's invisible,Tormented dreams she stays awake,Recalls when she was capable"

i am the walrus

really tired. been getting into a weird sleep cycle so i have to stay up to get it back to normal. i had to cut last night, it was nothing deep, little ones. ugh, im dying over here, i can't just go to sleep in the library either- the van would leave without me and i'd get lost. im tired of pain and loneliness and this sense of abandonment. <3,




-molliebear

no april 1

things are going bad. lots of SI- fat and stuff showing... dissociating a lot, floating away.april 1st. the day is coming and he is going to hurt me. he will find me and hurt me. and we will be scared and no one will protect us or do anything because it was all our fault. it is a death sentence. no hospital can make that day okay. no medicine will take away the fear and abandonment. no medicine will make him go away. he says it's been 3 years that i haven't talked to him. it feels like i was just in that horrid house, hiding behind my closed door, praying he was too tired to climb the steps to come get me, too drugged out to get up. but somehow he mustered up the energy to do it, night and night again. ignoring the bloodstains my mom cleaned my sheets- never saying a word to me. it felt like an unspoken acknowledgement of what was going on but she was helpless to intervene. maybe she tricked herself into not believing. it's a shame it took over 10 years for her to just hear about it from me and little by little believe bits and pieces of some of the things i told her. i just want to take a bunch of klonopin and sleep through that damned day. i dont want to be conscious for the pain and memories and crap. i have serious body memories and im trying to focus on writing this here instead of letting it pull me into that old alternate reality- the past. i wish the pain would stop, im not suicidal, i just don't want to hurt anymore, i dont want to hide the symbols of how badly i hurt. i want people to just see it in my eyes and i wouldn't have to go to the extremes to numb away that pain. i dont want to call a crisis line. i have nothing to OD on anyway. im not going to do anything stupid but my mind is whizzing a thousand miles an hour with all these self-destructive thoughts and impulses. im going to go and just listen to music until i get too tired and pass out in bed. <3,


-molliebear

abandonment issues

im so tired right now, i don't know why. i hate when wounds heal- they itch like crazy. i miss dawn and sam. it's almost been 6 months since i've talked to samula. to make my weekend even better than the crap-ola it was, Melissa(my case worker) is leaving TAY, and guess what- so is Beth. And why am i not supposed to think that nobody wants to work here? i understand that way station doesn't pay jack shit but i wish people didn't come and go like that. I'm really going to miss her- she's the staff i feel most comfortable around and now she's going to leave me. they keep saying stupid shit like "Be happy for her, she's pursuing her goals" or other dumb things that don't make me feel better. the ED is acting up again because there's just too much stress. same with the self injury. on monday georgia is going to tell my crappy T i want put on the trauma specialist's list and to leave her. im scared she'll get mad or hurt me. i dont know why im scared of this so badly. plus i've just been so depressed, i sleep all the time, have little appetite (food looks gross) sometimes and then want to binge in the same day. i dont know what's wrong with me. people here think im a hypochondriac. i dont know if i am or not-lol. Oh yeah- my brother got caught drinking again, didn't show up for the little court hearing- now he has to go to "real" court. he's pretty much destroying his life- he's dropped out of high school at the age of 17- he only needed like, 1 more year!! agh. i won't ever understand that child. best i can do is try to be a good role model and hope he starts to behave. my mom can't control him at all and my dad is in fucking Italy so he can't knock some sense into James. Joe is starting to act like James too- hopefully if james goes to jail (im not looking forward to that if it does happen) he might stop acting so badly. i mean, joe and james grew up only knowing the high drugged up father- i had maybe a year or so when he wasn't passed out on the couch. time for me to go- <3,



-molliebear

i am mollie's appendix

(haha- i just watched Fight Club again...)i hate this part- how to hide the aftermath of a burst of SI. i should know- i've been doing this since i was 6- but i never think of anything that really works- i mean, i could wear bracelets or something- but i dunno. im getting really anxious over stupid shit. i feel like i could take a zillion klonopin and ambien and just crash for a couple days. i dont want to die, i just want the pain to go away, or to not be numb- i dont like living one extreme or the other- flooding or numbness. lord help me- sweet jesus. the stuff on my legs is easy to hide... but the stuff on my arm- im just a jackass for doing it like that without planning how to hide afterwards. on monday georgia is going to tell my crappy t that i want to be on rachel's waiting list because i dont have the guts to do it- i have to see her (crappy t) tomorrow at 10am. i dont want to go :( oh well. hopefully things will get better. <3,



-molliebear

decomposing.

the anxiety is creeping in. i don't even know what I'm anxious about right now. i want to be with my friends. i want something to help the empty feeling. something to numb it out for a while. i feel like taking pills but i can't(and won't). i just want to sleep for a couple days. get away from it all. i dont know how im expected to have a job when things are going like this. i keep trying harder and harder to hide the pain i feel but it's like it's going to burst from me. i dont know what to do. i want to cry- yes, i want to cry. the tears don't come though. i dont know how much longer i can pull this charade. i want someone to talk to that understands. i haven't been able to get in touch with the few remaining friends i do have lately. i slept from 1:30-4:30 today. i feel like i could sleep even more. i want to hide in my room and listen to music and curl up in bed. ive been dissociating a lot more and parts feel numb. nobody's talking inside. it's just empty and dark. i have therapy tomorrow but i don't want to go. i feel hopeless. therapy makes me feel even more anxious. i cant talk to her, i can't tell her what's wrong because the truth is I don't even know what's wrong. i hate the nightmares, they haunt my sleep. i have to go, hopefully i'll be able to stay safe tonight.

i am crap. depressed

i've been getting more depressed lately. all i want to do is sleep or self harm. i dont want to go anywhere i don't want to get out of bed. I feel sadness that lies deep in my soul. I've been getting anxious a lot about small things. I've just started taking the klonopin for it. i have thoughts of suicide and urges, though i can control them right now. I feel alone and like no one would care if i died. i keep thinking about all the people that have been dying around me and it makes me feel bad. i wont commit suicide simply for the effect that another person's suicide has had on me. its very hard to get up in the morning. i feel like a little kid, ive been having worse nightmares. i just want a hug, an honest hug to fill this ache. i want to cry it out instead of cutting. im trying to listen to music and do self-soothing things but it just doesn't feel right. i dont feel like i deserve anyone or anything. i feel like scum. i dont know what to do to fill the void i feel. i dont know what will help. i know si would help, but i really want to purge and just shower with bleach. it's sort of a thing where i feel dirty no matter how much i clean myself. my teeth are getting really crappy, i need to see a dentist- i haven't seen one since I was in ninth grade (im 19). I just feel like shit. I feel like everyone hates me or is mad at me or wouldn't miss me if i was gone. it's been the right number of days so i can self injure again (i make myself wait longer and longer each time). i dont know what to do. i want to feel better but im scared of what i might do. i want to be loved. i want to cry. i want i want i want. i want to eat to try and fill the emptyness. i know it wont work, but i just want right now. want anything. im scaring myself. i haven't felt this sad since I was in middle school and was unmedicated and not in therapy. i want to self injure in obvious places. im trying to make it until April 1st-this is my dad's birthday and other trauma survivors can understand the fear i have. my goal is to not be IP for this time. I haven't reached 6 months out of the hospital yet, so I can't go back (it's my personal goal). im done rambling.

blogspot was broken for me yesterday. i go the bloodwork done, but so far no results. i need to buy test strips but they're expensive!! 54$ for the smallest pack. plus most places don't carry the freestyle FLASH ones, just the regular freestyle. it irritates me!! stupid weird blood sugar problems.

i have to get bloodwork done (wow, what a surprize) to see if I'm diabetic or hypoglycemic. I have to fast until around 10:30 tomorrow morning. I hope it'll be okay. They're also checking my thyroid- which could cause this crazy weight- or maybe i just eat to much. either way i have to change things. wish me luck. <3,





-molliebear

I didn't get to talk to Dawn last night. I felt disappointed. I go to the doctor today for the weird sugar problems ive been having. oh yes, and I have cramps- and even better, I am PMSing like hell (so watch it!)lol. i have to make an appointment for the optometrist(sp?) because I don't know if my eyes are blurry from the meds or if i just have poor eyesight. well, im off to read. <3,




-molliebear

so i sit and stare at the screen for five minutes...

First off- The Hills Have Eyes (movie) SUCKED. I hated it, and there was a lot of gore (it didn't disturb me, though i thought other people might be triggered by it). The previews showed the best parts of the movie pretty much. Second- our handyman, Randy, is away in California- our toilet is acting up again, the towel rack broke, and i dropped a knife down the kitchen sink. These are all things he would fix, if he wasn't on vacation. I have an appointment with Dr. Brewster (that's how the said the name I think..) tomorrow about my weird blood sugar (we think that's the problem) issues and whatnot. I have not seen this doctor, I don't even know if it's a man or a woman- but I find the last name amusing. It reminds me of Punky, haha. I don't want to see a new doctor because I don't want them to ask me if I'm pregnant (I hate that!!) or comment on my weight. I know I'm fat and out of shape and disgusting, just let me be and know it and not have to be told/reminded everyday. These kind of situations are what inspire the purging and restricting. People don't understand that you can be overweight, obese even, and have an eating disorder where you starve yourself at times. My hand has been getting worse, the palm is getting numb as well as the fingers, the one immediate care doctor said i just sprained my thumb but if i sprained it, why does it feel numb? why is it still bothering me after like, 2 weeks? Oh well, maybe I'll mention it with the new doctor I see tomorrow. I'm not sure how much I'm going to trust them. well, im at the library, so i better get to reading or finding good books. <3,



-a largely PMSing molliebear

movie time

i think we're going to see the movie The Hills Have Eyes. we have to wait until everyone's here to vote though. johnny cash rocks! im in a weird mood- better than yesterday and i didn't cut or purge or anything :) my mom can't visit me today and I am sitting with the feelings of anger and disappointment. Yay for using SP skills!haha. I'm so glad I have this newer computer, I didn't really appreciate it so much in the beginning but i enjoy it more every day. I don't know what else to say, I never can seem to get in touch with Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss, we're never on at the same time :/ Oh well, I <3 her anyways!!! Yay for sad country music,lol. <3,




-molliebear

sleepy drugged up ramble

tired as hell. sleeping too much. parts feel numb. dont want to see therapist anymore but have to because of god damn rules at WSI. they upped the Wellbutrin, and I feel like it's burning holes in my brain, my thoughts are foggy, I forget people's names that I've lived with for a year. i feel like crap. whoever invented PMS was a fucking loser. i find it interesting that one of my part's name is a character on the L word. she was amused. we feel neglected for some reason. something wrong that we can't put our finger on. off to bed, <3





-molliebear

flippin' phone is broken

My phone is broken, the wires to it are frayed and exposed. So therefore I am at the library w/ Angie. We went out tonight to get away from the house because it was just a long day and we wanted out. The library is pretty quiet seeing as how it's 8pm. I don't have much to say, I lied to my pdoc today- and therapist yesterday. said i wasn't doing a lot of things that i have been doing. whatever, my parts will tell on me later anyhow, they always do. This computer screen is so fuzzy, i can barely read it, it makes me feel like I need glasses. Hi Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss!!! I miss you! If I had wireless I could still get online but alas, the wireless internet moved out with David. Well, I don't have much else to say, the library closes in an hour. <3,


-molliebear

sick

i feel sick. i feel like throwing up and it's hot as hell in here. i dont know what will make it feel not so gross. i feel like ultimately like im going to have to throw up to feel better. and this has nothing to do with the eating disorder (that i know of). My roomate is so cute, she hurt her poor leg and she says hearing me type is soothing,lol. She's so sweet. Sometimes. LOL. I fell asleep in the thrift shop(for like, 15 minutes) and Shannon told me if I was going to sleep to go to the club and I knew that was loaded because then Georgia (big boss of my housing) would know and the shit would hit the fan. i hate feeling sick, i dunno why i am. i want to blame it on the Wellbutrin but i dunno that i can, seeing as i've been on it for a week almost. my roomate is being loud and whining about her knee- it's rather annoying. well, im off, we're leaving for the library in half an hour. <3,


-molliebear

F.U.C.K.

all i have to say is sweet mother mary and all her cousins.

it hurts right here in this void.

i feel like shit. i feel guilty, i feel angry, i feel hurt, i feel i don't even know what. i bought "tools" at the store and im so fucked up im excited to use them. i see my grandma and mom tomorrow, so that will help. i feel sorta sick/crampy and i feel melancholy. Boo hoo emo kid. It's one of those days I don't know what to do to make myself feel better(except purge/self injure/restrict)I want to be cuddled and rocked and told everything is going to be ok. there is no one to do that for me right now, except myself. i hate self soothing, because what is soothing to me is not "right" or "acceptable". how come me hurting me is wrong but someone else hurting me is okay? i hurt. i dont know what will help me. i wish i could just be "fixed". i want to cry but the tears don't come. , <3, molliebear

I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I am living in it.

i purged. i haven't done that in i dunno how long. i feel like such a failure. i dont even know if I got it all up. My teeth have lost their enamel and i don't want to go IP for an ED. I've heard really crappy things about ED units and I definitely don't want to go to one. I shouldn't have to, I'm actually *overweight* and all my lab work comes up okay so how can I need IP? i need sleep. god damn marina/sarah, give us a break.

i want to cut so badly. bad girl. want to buy an xacto NOW. i hate me

3-2-06 post

3-2-06
I got my hair cut and dyed today. It looks rather nice, they thinned it out so I don’t get tangles so much and I have sort of red highlights. Katey came back to work but she’s still pretty upset about losing her godson. It’s so tragic and terrible, he was only 19, just like me. It makes me wonder about my own mortality and I try to justify and explain why these sort of things happen- and there aren’t any answers- you’re just left with the sorrow and regret and that void place in your heart. On another less serious note, we passed the dreaded CSA inspections. They went as so far as to check the fridges for outdated food (as in, if it expired yesterday or today it was noted…) Part of that pressure to maintain a perfect apartment is eased. I was starting to feel such strong SI impulses I didn’t think I could handle them, but I’ve made it this far and the new problem is forcing myself to use my Michaels(craft store) gift card for art supplies instead of other non-helpful things that are also sold there. I need to think of a project so I can specifically look for those items needed to do the craft. One mini-possie I had for today (today has been hell) is that I bought myself a really soft peach colored robe (I would’ve chosen a different color but it was peach or yellow.) I miss my mom right now, I wish I could stay the weekend with her but the chances of that going through are slim to none. I feel creative all of a sudden, I have no idea why. It’s probably the damn med changes. On Wellbutrin now, first time I took it when I was 11 or so it made me feel dizzy like I was spinning in circles and I couldn’t handle it. It doesn’t have that effect on me this time and (hopefully) this will work for me because so far it doesn’t make me drowsy and “it doesn’t produce sexual side effects”! Of course that’s of importance to me . I miss Sam and Dawn, I think of them daily. I think of Chantal at least once a month, usually around the 19th (the day she committed suicide). Getting drowsy from these meds, <3,




-molliebear

patron saint of self injury

so it was blood draw day, Tina did it for me thank god. I have therapy tonight and I really don't want to go (what else is new). if i dont go i probably wont be able to get my hair done (as a consequence). I don't know what's wrong with me, why I'm so tired all of the time. I could just crawl up on the floor and sleep for hours. I'm so tired of people thinking I'm pregnant. I'm really considering making a shirt that says "I'm not pregnant, I'm just overweight" or something of that sort. It hurts my feelings after the ability to laugh it off disappears. the only thing i am looking forward to is getting my hair done, it's pretty pathetic considering how much there is out there in the world. Hopefully I'll get a job and things will be okay. I dunno if that would make my depression better or worse. It's lunch time and im hungry but that little voice (not a part) in the back of my head says "don't eat you'll get fatter". It's hard to ignore this voice because I think I might be diabetic (type 2 of course) and I don't wanna mess anything up in those terms. I'm trying to hold out from eating lunch, damn you little ED voice in the back of my head!!! The ED is going so-so, i'll think i've finally overcome it (or rather, improved) and then I'll binge like there's no tomorrow. I've been doing okay with purging, down to once this week. I miss Dawn, I wonder when she's coming home- I haven't talked to her in a while, I hope she's okay because I misplaced the paper that has her code on it. The CSA people come to inspect for real tomorrow- I'm super nervous that they'll shut down the house (even though we busted our asses cleaning the damn place). this fear has no rationale behind it, it's just there. The self injury stuff is really pushing to the front of my mind- I have all these different fantasies about how I could hurt myself and which way would be the cheapest, the most painful, will make a bigger scar, etc. I'm okay with dealing with these impulses now, i guess i'll talk about them in therapy. Well, I've succumb(sp?) to the callings of lunch. <3,


-molliebear