i am crap. depressed

i've been getting more depressed lately. all i want to do is sleep or self harm. i dont want to go anywhere i don't want to get out of bed. I feel sadness that lies deep in my soul. I've been getting anxious a lot about small things. I've just started taking the klonopin for it. i have thoughts of suicide and urges, though i can control them right now. I feel alone and like no one would care if i died. i keep thinking about all the people that have been dying around me and it makes me feel bad. i wont commit suicide simply for the effect that another person's suicide has had on me. its very hard to get up in the morning. i feel like a little kid, ive been having worse nightmares. i just want a hug, an honest hug to fill this ache. i want to cry it out instead of cutting. im trying to listen to music and do self-soothing things but it just doesn't feel right. i dont feel like i deserve anyone or anything. i feel like scum. i dont know what to do to fill the void i feel. i dont know what will help. i know si would help, but i really want to purge and just shower with bleach. it's sort of a thing where i feel dirty no matter how much i clean myself. my teeth are getting really crappy, i need to see a dentist- i haven't seen one since I was in ninth grade (im 19). I just feel like shit. I feel like everyone hates me or is mad at me or wouldn't miss me if i was gone. it's been the right number of days so i can self injure again (i make myself wait longer and longer each time). i dont know what to do. i want to feel better but im scared of what i might do. i want to be loved. i want to cry. i want i want i want. i want to eat to try and fill the emptyness. i know it wont work, but i just want right now. want anything. im scaring myself. i haven't felt this sad since I was in middle school and was unmedicated and not in therapy. i want to self injure in obvious places. im trying to make it until April 1st-this is my dad's birthday and other trauma survivors can understand the fear i have. my goal is to not be IP for this time. I haven't reached 6 months out of the hospital yet, so I can't go back (it's my personal goal). im done rambling.