patron saint of self injury

so it was blood draw day, Tina did it for me thank god. I have therapy tonight and I really don't want to go (what else is new). if i dont go i probably wont be able to get my hair done (as a consequence). I don't know what's wrong with me, why I'm so tired all of the time. I could just crawl up on the floor and sleep for hours. I'm so tired of people thinking I'm pregnant. I'm really considering making a shirt that says "I'm not pregnant, I'm just overweight" or something of that sort. It hurts my feelings after the ability to laugh it off disappears. the only thing i am looking forward to is getting my hair done, it's pretty pathetic considering how much there is out there in the world. Hopefully I'll get a job and things will be okay. I dunno if that would make my depression better or worse. It's lunch time and im hungry but that little voice (not a part) in the back of my head says "don't eat you'll get fatter". It's hard to ignore this voice because I think I might be diabetic (type 2 of course) and I don't wanna mess anything up in those terms. I'm trying to hold out from eating lunch, damn you little ED voice in the back of my head!!! The ED is going so-so, i'll think i've finally overcome it (or rather, improved) and then I'll binge like there's no tomorrow. I've been doing okay with purging, down to once this week. I miss Dawn, I wonder when she's coming home- I haven't talked to her in a while, I hope she's okay because I misplaced the paper that has her code on it. The CSA people come to inspect for real tomorrow- I'm super nervous that they'll shut down the house (even though we busted our asses cleaning the damn place). this fear has no rationale behind it, it's just there. The self injury stuff is really pushing to the front of my mind- I have all these different fantasies about how I could hurt myself and which way would be the cheapest, the most painful, will make a bigger scar, etc. I'm okay with dealing with these impulses now, i guess i'll talk about them in therapy. Well, I've succumb(sp?) to the callings of lunch. <3,


-molliebear