i am mollie's bruised and swollen left ankle.

This was how I felt yesterday: mini tiny spoiler for mention of church


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So I’ve been having this feeling/premonition that I was going to fall/trip lately. I had a fear I was going to fall on the steps in my apartment and break my nose. Luckily that didn’t happen, but as I was walking home from my day program I tripped in a pothole type thing in the back of the thrift shop alley. I bent my knee and leg to the left where my knee was touching the ground. So, some nice older guy (who I thought was creepy before) who has a studio near the shop helped me limp back to my house. He was very kind and he reminded me of a father figure (in a good way that didn’t remind me of my own crappy asshole dad) since he was taking care of me. So I went to immediate care which is like a place you go for little emergencies (stitches, sprains, colds, etc.) when you can’t get into you’re GP and they make me sit for 4 hours until they find out that yes, I have a fracture (an avulsion fracture or something like that?) in my left ankle and a sprain in my left knee. Well, the guy came to ace wrap my knee and he saw some SI marks. He didn’t say anything until he saw my arm. I had just been picking at them (oddly enough out of boredom) and he noticed they were exposed. So I was all freaking out thinking they were gonna send me IP or tell my staff or my therapist or ask where my tools were, etc.. I lied and told them that I was going to see my therapist tomorrow and get my general practitioner look at the wounds in 2 days. So they cleaned me up and gave me Neosporin and put gauze on and a ace around that. The guy was really nice, he said he worked in the ER before and saw self injury (the doctor called it self-mutilation and I almost jumped off the table and attacked her)all the time and it was nothing to be embarrassed about and that they would clean up my wounds because he didn’t want me to get a major infection. He was protective too. That’s twice today I got positive male attention- it was a bit embarrassing because my legs were hairy!! I don’t shave in the cold months but this day I wish I had, lol. That really should be the least of my troubles but you know, I’m a girl and worry about my appearance. So then the doctor comes in and starts talking to me about who I can talk to about “those feelings” when I want to “self-mutilate” -
* brief mention of Christianity/church******
she started to tell me to go to church and how people there would understand [this is not true to my past experiences] and everything would be okay the scars would go away,blah blah blah.
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and how I need to talk to people instead because I could get really sick, blah blah blah, stuff you hear when you know the person they’re talking to has gotten “caught” for the first time. So then I had to make up a lie for having these bandages on my left arm (which are from SI)- so I said that when I fell I scratched my arm and they had to cover it. I don’t know what to do when I take off the bandages because then I have to go back to hiding my wounds again. So my ankle is pounding, my knee is achey and my armpits hurt(crutches wreak havoc!!!), lol. Tomorrow I have to see an orthopedist and im sure they’ll just say that I need to wear an air cast (like I’m already doing) and ice it and all that jazz. This isn’t new to me- I had a fracture last winter (though I don’t remember if it was the same ankle) and before that had a fracture in 9th grade and wore the infamous “walking cast” that I called “The boot” for 4 months. So it’s been an interesting but painful and long day. I only have frozen vegetables to ice my knee and foot with, I guess I shouldn’t plan on cooking them when I’m recovered? J Well, I hope everyone else has had a good day or at least a decent day and my thoughts are with those who are struggling and fighting this battle with SI thoughts or behavior or just feel like crap.>>



Okay- so today I had a day from hell. We(my staff and I) could not find the building of the orthopedist for the life of us, he had changed locations and we had the old address- we stopped 3 different times to ask for directions. So I finally get there, an hour late- and i go to look at my x-rays from immediate care- and they only have the one of my KNEE. I didn't fracture my knee- everything was fine except the sprain. So then I didn't know if they could take me back but they did. They told me I had an avulsion fracture but that it was from a while ago in some previous accident and that I had a badly sprained ankle (yucky bruised up-ness and huge swelling) so now I have to do physical therapy 2-3 times a week for 6 weeks!! AGH!! I hate it. And yes, all I needed was the air cast :) No one found out about the SI so I'm safe (I hope). The orthopedist said to walk on it as soon as I can, so i've been hobbling around my 3 story apartment,lol. I feel weird, I'm getting that anxious at night feeling again. One of my peers freaked out today from a really bad panic attack and had to go IP, she was screaming and whatnot and it was scary. the little parts did not like it but we were frozen there unable to move. we know that she's safe in the hospital but I still miss her and worry about her.She's only 18- though me being 19 isn't that much of an difference. I just want everyone to be okay. Okay, the ambien's kicking in <3,

-molliebear(((hugs)))
"She takes the pills to fall asleep,And dream that she's invisible,Tormented dreams she stays awake,Recalls when she was capable"