no april 1

things are going bad. lots of SI- fat and stuff showing... dissociating a lot, floating away.april 1st. the day is coming and he is going to hurt me. he will find me and hurt me. and we will be scared and no one will protect us or do anything because it was all our fault. it is a death sentence. no hospital can make that day okay. no medicine will take away the fear and abandonment. no medicine will make him go away. he says it's been 3 years that i haven't talked to him. it feels like i was just in that horrid house, hiding behind my closed door, praying he was too tired to climb the steps to come get me, too drugged out to get up. but somehow he mustered up the energy to do it, night and night again. ignoring the bloodstains my mom cleaned my sheets- never saying a word to me. it felt like an unspoken acknowledgement of what was going on but she was helpless to intervene. maybe she tricked herself into not believing. it's a shame it took over 10 years for her to just hear about it from me and little by little believe bits and pieces of some of the things i told her. i just want to take a bunch of klonopin and sleep through that damned day. i dont want to be conscious for the pain and memories and crap. i have serious body memories and im trying to focus on writing this here instead of letting it pull me into that old alternate reality- the past. i wish the pain would stop, im not suicidal, i just don't want to hurt anymore, i dont want to hide the symbols of how badly i hurt. i want people to just see it in my eyes and i wouldn't have to go to the extremes to numb away that pain. i dont want to call a crisis line. i have nothing to OD on anyway. im not going to do anything stupid but my mind is whizzing a thousand miles an hour with all these self-destructive thoughts and impulses. im going to go and just listen to music until i get too tired and pass out in bed. <3,


-molliebear