decomposing.

the anxiety is creeping in. i don't even know what I'm anxious about right now. i want to be with my friends. i want something to help the empty feeling. something to numb it out for a while. i feel like taking pills but i can't(and won't). i just want to sleep for a couple days. get away from it all. i dont know how im expected to have a job when things are going like this. i keep trying harder and harder to hide the pain i feel but it's like it's going to burst from me. i dont know what to do. i want to cry- yes, i want to cry. the tears don't come though. i dont know how much longer i can pull this charade. i want someone to talk to that understands. i haven't been able to get in touch with the few remaining friends i do have lately. i slept from 1:30-4:30 today. i feel like i could sleep even more. i want to hide in my room and listen to music and curl up in bed. ive been dissociating a lot more and parts feel numb. nobody's talking inside. it's just empty and dark. i have therapy tomorrow but i don't want to go. i feel hopeless. therapy makes me feel even more anxious. i cant talk to her, i can't tell her what's wrong because the truth is I don't even know what's wrong. i hate the nightmares, they haunt my sleep. i have to go, hopefully i'll be able to stay safe tonight.