some people just shouldn't sing. really. seriously. not in my house, not on the street, nowhere.

ARGH! everything is F.I.N.E!

my t has not called me since Thursday. I have left 3 messages asking her to call me back and gave her the phone number to reach me at everytime. She was supposed to put me on the waiting list for SP's trauma unit and I said I wouldn't want to go until after Monday. I dunno if I got a crappy t or if she's just really overwhelmed or what? It kinda hurts me because I feel like she doesn't want to call me back or thinks im like, stalking her. I just want to know if I'm on the list or not so I know if I have to pack! On a positive note one of my housemates went walking with me (2 miles) and then we did 10 min. of cycling at the YMCA and 50 minutes of walking the track. I got confused and thought I had a party to go to tonight and was all happy and excited. I'm such an idiot. I feel like shit. I wouldn't mind if they came to get me after Monday. I'm tired. I've used all my coping skills and look where it's gotten me. NO WHERE. And this new t will never be as good as the old one. It's friday night and I'm at home. I have no friends. And no matter how much i exercise my stomach will always be fat. My somatic doc. told me that if i had the urge to cut i should play video games or eat a twizzler- i've had half the bag of twizzlers and haven't played any video games. I want to cut, I feel like I deserve it. Deserve the priviledge to do so because I was "good" all day. And it's only 7 and i've already started my binge..the question is- where is the stopping point? what if I just eat until i get sick? what if I eat until all the food just gets sent outta my stomach? would i feel better? probably a little- and if i cut- even better. Frederick says "FUCK THE STUPID BITCH SHE ISNT HERE TO HELP !". Damn straight.

Girl: I can't take a credit card sir. I need real money.Peter: Oh yeah? Watcha sellin'? Meth, ex, crack, dust, coke, block, crystal????? IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD? I DONT THINK SO!!!!(He breaks lemonade stand.)
'and this is why im alive right now.

i think im dumb

I feel like shit. i feel like the stupidest person on earth. my new problem about going IP is that I don't want to sit in the ER for hours at a time. if they could direct admit me to SP I'd go after next monday. im staying for silly reasons, like halloween parties and such. i dont want to let anyone down. i dont want to break down and admit that yes, i am hurting so much that i have hurt myself every night for the past two weeks. i have run out of skin to injure. im trying to be optimistic about things, keep a positive attitude, whatever needs to be done to keep me going. im trying to do things i like/used to like doing at some point. D.B. wants to move out. Hell, everyone wants to move out. It just doesn't work all of a sudden to try and leave. You need to be ready to leave. But whatever. Try it if you think it'll work. I know i need to be here or at least somewhere protective. im just tired... tired of life. tired of coping alone. i demand that dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss and Samula need to contact me :) oh yes, watching family guy...

"And it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, 'My God wouldn't it be marvelous if i turned out to be a homosexual?'"

Trying to decide whether to go IP or not. I dont know this time, I just don't know. Well, this time it's like I'm deciding when to go. I can't go until at least next monday. It can't be until then. I need to be in the thrift shop. I can't go IP, i've only been out for 6 months! It's not fair...

DID is shitty ^_^ . btw: FUD!

blah, feel like shit. should be IP but refuse. i need a miracle to keep me out. d(housemate) said that if i pray long enough things will get better. No one sees the sorrow and the pain. Hidden by long sleeves and pants. I don't want anyone to *see* them, i just want them to understand that im hurting. So many people think it's for attention, or it's a trend- well, if it's for attention apparently the first 50 times i got caught doing it wasn't enough, and if it's a trend it must be a damn long one since i was six! So fuck off people that don't understand. sorry to be harsh but everyone is trying to talk at once and that's what Olivia is trying to say. Marina of course is all "you shouldn't have had the starbucks drink!now we're going to get more fat" and then there's sarah: "you didn't cut deep enough/long enough/bad enough/bleed enough." UGhhhhhh, would they all just shut up? no. they never do. im trying to *think* here without the peanut gallery commenting on everything we do!

Concrete Angel Somebody cries in the middle of the night, The neighbors hear but they turn out the lights; A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate, When morning comes it will be too late. Through the wind and the rain, She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can't rise above; But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved.

This is how I feel right now :/ *ugh*

An "Everything Me" Survey
I Want: to binge/cut/purgeI Have: a full stomach :/I Wish: to be happyI Hate: being fatI Miss: my childhoodI Fear: bills, being alone, being brokeI Hear: Margaret Cho on TVI Search For: happinessI Wonder: if being a comedian is nerve-racking?I Love: Dawn!I Ache: nowI Always: act stupidI Am Not: what I want to be I Dance: while sitting down,heheheI Sing: in the vanI Cry: aloneI Am Not Always: directI Win: now!I WIN!!!!I Lose: pretty much all the time actually...I Confuse: myself dailyI Need: to stop hurting myself so muchI Should: go to bedMy father thinks I am: I don’t care what he thinks of meMy mother thinks I am: a good student, a good person, etc.What makes me happy: friends, money, and Starbucks(mwahahahaha)Yes or No...you keep a diary:occasionallyyou have a secret you have not shared with anyone: well it wouldn’t be a secret if i told wouldn’t it?you set your watch ahead: 5-10 minutesyou bite your fingernails:noyou believe in love:yeaWho is...?the prettiest female you know: this girl Emily in my class the loudest person you know: Jenn!The person that knows the most about you: Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss!Most boring teacher: um, I have two... I’d say Evan EvansDo You...?take a shower everyday:every other daywant to get married:yeahHave any tattoos/where?: not yet :)get motion sickness: only when spinningthink you're a health freak: somewhatget along with your parents:yesCuddle or Make Out: cuddleChocolate Milk, or Hot Chocolate: chocolate milkDark, milk, OR White Chocolate?:milk chocolateVanilla OR Chocolate? Strawberry( In the past week have you.... )Cried: yesHelped Someone: yeahBought something?: yes Gotten Sick?: uhhhhhhhhhhGone to the Movies?: noGone out for Dinner?: not dinner....SAID "I LOVE YOU"?: to my momWritten a Real Letter?: noWritten in a Journal?: noTalked to a crush?: noHad a Serious Talk?: yesMissed Someone?:yesHugged someone? YeaFought With Your Parents? NoFought With a Friend? NoWould You Ever...1. Eat a bug? I have by accident2. Bungee jump? I dunno..3. Hang glide?sure4. Kill someone? No...5. Have sex with someone you don't love? Maybe6. Kiss someone of the same sex? Of course!7. Have sex with someone of the same sex? Duh, im bi8. Parachute from a plane? Scared to9. Walk on hot coals?no10. Go out with someone for their looks? Probably not11. For their reputation?no12. Be a vegetarian?i have been14. IM a stranger? Sure15. Sing karaoke?i have16. Get drunk off your ass? Can’t drink17. Shoplift? Have18. Run a red light? Have19. Star in a porn video?no!20. Dye your hair blue?It’s been blue before- right now it’s purple21. Be on Survivor?no22. Wear makeup in public? Where else do you wear it?...23. NOT wear makeup in public?do it everyday24. Cheat on a test?i have before :x25. Make someone cry?yea..26. Call your math teacher a motherfucker?no27. Kick a baby?no28. Date someone more than ten years older than you?no...29. Cuss out a priest?no30. Take a job as a janitor? SureCoke ~ Pepsi::CokeSprite ~ Mountain Dew:: Mountain DewDr. Pepper ~ Root Beer::Dr. PepperWater ~ Milk::milkBeer ~ Wine::wineButter ~ Margerine: butter:Hot Dog ~ Hamburger::hot dogCupcakes ~ Muffins::cupcakesDonuts ~ Bagels::bagelsIce Cream ~ Cake::ice creamCookies ~ Chocolate::chocolateDark Chocolate ~ Milk Chocolate: milk chocolate:Raspberries ~ Strawberries::raspberriesApples ~ Bananas:: applesCherries ~ Kiwis::cherriesBlack ~ White::blackGuys ~ Girls::girlsMoon ~ Sun::moonNight ~ Day::nightDark ~ Light::darkOcean ~ Sea::oceanRap ~ Rock::RockN*SYNC ~ BSB::NEITHERSublime ~ Bob Marley::SublimePuddle of Mudd ~ Nirvana:: NIRVANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ACDC~sex pistols:: don’t care.. SorryHugs ~ Kisses::hugsAmerica ~ Europe::everywhere!Asia ~ Africa::africaMichael Jackson ~ Janet Jackson: neither:Michael Jackson ~ R. Kelly:: NEITHERAshley Olsen ~ Mary-Kate Olsen:: neitherJohnny Depp ~ Orlando Bloom:: Johnny DeppLeo Dicaprio ~ Josh Hartnett:: neitherPamela Anderson ~ Angelina Jolie::angelina jolieJennifer Anniston ~ Demi More::neitherAshton Kutcher ~ Justin Timberlake::neitherCows ~ Sheep::cowsSoccer ~ Rugby::soccerFootball ~ Hockey::hockeyBaseball ~ Basketball::baseballSwimming ~ Golf::swimmingLimes ~ Lemons::limesHot ~ Cold:coldThis ~ That::thisPen ~ Pencil::penTwo Piece ~ One Piece:: one pieceThongs ~ Panties: panties:Boxers ~ Briefs:: boxersMore Piss Beer ~ Less Good Beer: neitherShort Hair ~ Long Hair: eitherHeaven ~ Hell::heaven Tea ~ Coffee::teaBad Breath ~ Crooked Teeth:: crooked teethRain ~ Snow::rainFun ~ Safety::funPassion ~ Fun::passionHappiness ~ Freedom::happiness

we went to the haunted mills in PA. J got so scared in there that she cried and had to leave. Not to sound harsh or anything but I didn't really get that scared except when the clown came out- I HATE CLOWNS! Then again I was there before so I guess it wouldn't be so scary for me? oh well

I wish I had bought the diet pills now :/ I'm withdrawling and it sucks. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. I spent 63$ last night. I need to make up a convienient lie. I feel like shit.

how can i explain spending 63$ in one evening? ugh. im coming off the diet pills and there's fucking withdrawl. Yuck. I feel like crap. I wish I didn't feel like I'm dying (it's like, half panic attack, half physical symptoms). I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. No more diet pills for me. They only had caffeine in them too! It wasn't like it was ephedra. I feel so stupid and shitty and tired. we're going on some haunted hayride tonight. I'm not looking forward to it. If all this is anxiety how is being "scared" going to help? Oh well, maybe I'll feel better later. I have this regret that I didn't buy more diet pills. :/ Oh well...

it's friday,YAY

YAY for friday. yeah, i SI-ed last night. I didn't even try not to. Nothing too bad, but im so scared my pdoc or t will commit me! I better stop with the SI and worry about the ED. Or maybe work on them both? Olivia wrote in my blog, lol, that's never happened before. Most of my friends don't know I have parts but I guess they'll figure it out if they read my blog. I feel pretty good today so far. I'm waiting for my check to come back from dropping my Women's Studies class, it should be for 143$ so I'm going to put about 80 in my account and take 20 and I don't know what I'll do with the rest. I'm also going to get money back when I sell back my women's studies texts. I feel pretty good right now, hopefully i wont crash. Well, I don't have much else to say. Oh yes, BTW I love you Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss!

A great end to a fucking lovely day in the park

like things weren't bad enough. this person who i've been talking to on the internet just was preaching to me about obesity. im not *that* fat. i'm not medically obese. I think of myself as obese. It just hurts. You think that people could understand how an eating disorder could make you gain weight or lose it. apparently not. i dont need to be ridiculed or told about the dangers of being fat. how about the dangers of being too thin? do you tell an anorexic she's fat?no. even if she *is* fat that's just something you DONT say to someone with an ED. Agh, it makes me so angry at myself for ever trusting this person. It hurts, a lot. I've listened to this person talk about her struggles and never told her something so harsh- i don't delve into her personal life and make mean comments about her.im just, hurt. im just SO tired of being hurt! it can't be fair that one person has to hurt so much. now i want to fucking cut. great. just fucking great. and i probably will, because whether i have an ED or not im not going to let myself off the hook for being fat. it's just not okay. i know im probably going to fucking die some day from some SI injury or my ED or just plain suicide. And how can one expect someone over the internet to really care? I was just ignorant and naive enough to believe it. yeah.


<---this is what i WANT TO DO! Fuck. But I won't i'll just keep it all bottled up inside until i explode or die. whichever comes first.

we want this :(

NO.

so i was wrong

we flipped last night because i thought my staff were taking my diet pills away. bawling and everything (remember mollie kept saying "I'm tired of being fat and ugly"). J kept trying to cop a feel. It was annoying. She asked me out and I had to tell her no, that I don't date people I live with and that we went through this answer when D asked us out, she said okay and covered her face but later asked again about the letter she wrote mollie. i got freaking lectured by my(our) pdoc that self injury is bad and unhealthy and missing school to go IP was no big deal and SI-ing to maintain outpatient status was worse than just going IP for suicidality. I didn't quite agree, but intellectually i understand his concern and that it doesn't really do shit for me in the long run. I still am NOT going IP.We are NOT going to flippin' FMH!County wards SUCK. And I am not going back to Sheppard Pratt b/c of their new dumb rules. Plus the unit isn't as comfy as it used to be. The new units are sterile and not homey at all- they don't make you feel like it's a comfortable place to share your feelings- they make you fear you're going to be fucking probed or something. Marina (little) was pissed last night when they wanted to take away the freaking diet pills because they helped us lose 6 pounds. We didn't walk today either, which didn't make her happy either. Other than that the parts are just exhausted from the SI and purging and hiding and secrets and bullshitting ourselves out of being commited. Tired of being tired and sick of being hurt. Music helps soothe, but really we need our old t :( the new t wants us to re-hash our entire trauma history to her- that is one of our *goals*. Parts inside were screaming in objection to this when she went over this on our wellness plan. Our old t knew when different parts came out, didn't doubt us, listened instead of talked, and let us take things at our pace. This new lady has maybe 2 more weeks before we dump her. It makes us wish we hadn't left Sarah(t) because she may not have understood us fully but at least she cared and gave us good mommy-like hugs. She said she wished she could be my aunt or something and watch over us. We had her as a t before we realized there was more than just Mollie. We're getting away with the purging though, because the self injury is the more important issue at hand. Haha.


<3 Olivia

did my 4 miles of walking today, im sore for some odd reason. been downloading music the rest of the day, waiting for my friend Dawn-pooh pooh kiss kiss to come back from away.

yesterday

this woman at the grocery store yesterday was all like "I'd help you with your water(Igot like, 24 1/2 liter bottles) but I strained my back" so I go get a cartand she sees me from the front and she says "Oh, and you're pregnant too!"and I quickly was like "no, im not" and she patted me on the back andapologized but i cried in the parking lot. i walked fucking 4 miles todayand I've walked 2 miles everyday except on the weekends sometimes i donthave anyone to walk withand I've been practically eating nothing and taking the damn diet pills(I'veonly taken them for a day and I take them "as directed" on the label).I'mjust so tired of being mistaken for being pregnant and being overweight andlaughed at or commented on. I am well aware of how ugly and large I am and Iwish people would realize that *I KNOW* i look like shit all the time. Iknow I'm obese! Keep your comments and laughter to yourself, it hurts. Ihate myself *so* much right now. I just can't keep it anymore, i walk asmuch as i can and eat as healthy as i can and it just isn't working. i don'twant to wait 3-4 weeks for any improvement. i dont want to wait for thisweight to leave. I fucking hate myself. I hate being obese. My BMI even says it. My scale is weird, it said at one time that I didn't lose any weight and at another time that I lost 6 pounds. I wanted to go to the YMCA to usetheir scale b/c there's is better and more accurate than my 6$ scale wal-mart scale.

this woman at the grocery store yesterday was all like "I'd help you with your water(Igot like, 24 1/2 liter bottles) but I strained my back" so I go get a cartand she sees me from the front and she says "Oh, and you're pregnant too!"and I quickly was like "no, im not" and she patted me on the back andapologized but i cried in the parking lot. i walked fucking 4 miles todayand I've walked 2 miles everyday except on the weekends sometimes i donthave anyone to walk withand I've been practically eating nothing and taking the damn diet pills(I'veonly taken them for a day and I take them "as directed" on the label).I'mjust so tired of being mistaken for being pregnant and being overweight andlaughed at or commented on. I am well aware of how ugly and large I am and Iwish people would realize that *I KNOW* i look like shit all the time. Iknow I'm obese! Keep your comments and laughter to yourself, it hurts. Ihate myself *so* much right now. I just can't keep it anymore, i walk asmuch as i can and eat as healthy as i can and it just isn't working. i don'twant to wait 3-4 weeks for any improvement. i dont want to wait for thisweight to leave. I fucking hate myself. I hate being obese. My BMI even saysit. My scale is weird, it said at one time that I didn't lose any weight andat another time that I lost 6 pounds. I wanted to go to the YMCA to use their scale b/c there's is better and more accurate than my 6$ scale wal-mart scale.

i am her.

this is how i feel. must sleep so tomorrow i can exercise more.

someone thought i was pregnant again. this cant keep happening. i walked 4 miles today, i walked at least 2 everyday of the week. my only goal is to not look like im pregnant.. is that too much to ask for?

song-- concrete angel

She walks to school with a lunch she packed Nobody knows what she's holding back; Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday, She hides the bruises with the linen and lace; oh The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask, It's hard to see the pain behind the mask; Bearing the burdon of a secret storm, Sometimes she wishes she was never born; Through the wind and the rain, She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can't rise above; But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved. Concrete Angel Somebody cries in the middle of the night, The neighbors hear but they turn out the lights; A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate, When morning comes it will be too late. Through the wind and the rain, She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can't rise above; But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved. Concrete Angel A statue stands in a shaded place, An angel girl with an upturned face; Her name is written on a polished rock, A broken heart that the world forgot. Through the wind and the rain, She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can't rise above; But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved. Concrete Angel

I'm tired of waiting for other people to be responsible. We can't go to Wal-mart until the boys and another girl's apartment are "spotless" because they're doing big inspections of our apartments by CARF. It's some agency no one knows about what it stands for. I need a scale, my goal is to lose 5 pounds this month and I've been taking 2 mile walks everyday and drinking diet soda dedicatedly. I'm adding in more water. I only eat low point foods(I'm trying weight watchers){at least for today}. I feel the emptiness in my stomach and the purity of there being small amounts of food inside. My therapist wants me to rehash my entire abuse history to her. yeah fucking right. I don't think any of me(I have DID) is going to say a damn thing to her about our past. On a positive note: there might be a new female housemate for us. Um , yeah, that's probably the only good thing i have to say right now. I want to walk more but no one wants to walk with me. damn it

I'm tired of petty shit and people not doing what needs to be done. Lets all take a second and grow up. No more stupid fights, no more back-talking to staff, JUST DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO BE IN TAY! Agh. Deborah and I bust our ass cleaning our apartment and it will show when other apartments are inspected.

crazy (small sp for sa)

I'm really seriously considering the diagnosis of bipolar given to me. If I do have it, I'm a rapid cycler(sp?). I get really, really irritable and angry at the world,want to cut, feel really hopeless and depressed and su thoughts pop up-for a couple hours or days, then later I'm all happy hunky-dory again and feel good about what I'm doing and not seeing how I could ever want to cut myself or attempt su. Granted I was given the diagnosis of bipolar at a county hospital where everyone was "bipolar", and I have had only one or two hypomanic episodes, or at least what i consider them to be. I feel so freaking up and down. I get worse at night, my littles get scared and want to hide in the closet (and sometimes i do end up in the closet), they're afraid we'll get hurt, etc. etc. Night is just generally a bad time for me. Even if I've had the most awesome day I still get creeped out at night. I'm scared because my dad knows where I go to college(granted he's made no attempts to see me or find me) and I wish he didn't know that because with his charm he could get somebody to tell him where i was. I realize I'm "an adult now" and he won't want to hurt me, but i cant be so sure. i have nightmares of him, the thought of him makes my heart race. I dunno what's wrong with me- it could be the PTSD or depression/bipolar or anything. I want to see my mom. I don't want to go to school tomorrow but not going won't help me any- i paid for these classes and I will take them. I am so anxious about school. I don't know if that's why i get nauseated everytime i eat (most things) or if that's part of the ED. I dunno, im so confused. My pdoc makes it seem like he doesn't want to work with me, like it's either IP or nothing. This is the first time he's been like this, I don't know if he doesn't feel competent treating me or if he just is tired of trying or what. I need a med change, this is obvious, but i've been on *so* many meds, it's ridiculous. A while ago he wanted me to try ECT but I'm scared to do that, i need my memory for school. If they could pick which memories to erase I'd do it in a heartbeat but it just doesn't work that way. I could lose happy memories i have and be left with the bad. This is why I need therapy. My therapist sits are and tells me things like
*spoiler:sexual abuse
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*about how her brother was molested at camp by a counselor
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end spoiler
It makes me wonder if she's really doing the therapy for me or for her own issues, or if she's trying to show she can relate to me? I like her as a person and I don't know if I want to change again, but I figure I should give her more of a chance before I move on right away. She feels like a somewhat comfortable fit for me it's just some small things she does- she wants me to tell her about my abuse/trauma from the beginning-! this freaks me out- this is what sends me those "she's dangerous- she isnt safe, she wants us to expose them and talk about the bad things they did to us" My parts get so scared and they don't feel safe coming out or talking to her. She wants to get to know all my parts and talk to them and basically, "get all up in their business". I don't like that- it makes her seem unsafe. It causes me anxiety because i can't re-hash my entire abuse history- i just can't. I don't want to go IP just because she feels like digging through the trash of my past. Well, i have tons of homework to do since i missed my class on thursday because im *STUPID* and slept in until 11am, missing my math and abnormal psych class.

i feel so anxious. i want to cut. i feel scared about school and i dunno why. it's night-time. bad things happen at night-time. we have to hide so he wont find us.

scared

i feel miserable right now. i *hate* being nervous- Georgia scares me, I hear she's "disgusted" with our apartments. I don't know why I'm so scared of her, maybe because she has the power to kick me out of TAY. I get nervous when she's around. . i feel like crying..or cutting.- whichever might help more.

so i lived through last night although there was some "poor coping mechanisms" used. I'm still feeling shitty about the ED, but I'm going walking around the park after therapy. might post later, might not- depends on how much energy i have...

sometimes id rather be dead then look the way i do

I want to look like this:

















But I look like:

so this is my new blog... i hate the word blog but whatever. i also have one on livejournal. My username on livejournal is : Loserbabydoll