so i was wrong

we flipped last night because i thought my staff were taking my diet pills away. bawling and everything (remember mollie kept saying "I'm tired of being fat and ugly"). J kept trying to cop a feel. It was annoying. She asked me out and I had to tell her no, that I don't date people I live with and that we went through this answer when D asked us out, she said okay and covered her face but later asked again about the letter she wrote mollie. i got freaking lectured by my(our) pdoc that self injury is bad and unhealthy and missing school to go IP was no big deal and SI-ing to maintain outpatient status was worse than just going IP for suicidality. I didn't quite agree, but intellectually i understand his concern and that it doesn't really do shit for me in the long run. I still am NOT going IP.We are NOT going to flippin' FMH!County wards SUCK. And I am not going back to Sheppard Pratt b/c of their new dumb rules. Plus the unit isn't as comfy as it used to be. The new units are sterile and not homey at all- they don't make you feel like it's a comfortable place to share your feelings- they make you fear you're going to be fucking probed or something. Marina (little) was pissed last night when they wanted to take away the freaking diet pills because they helped us lose 6 pounds. We didn't walk today either, which didn't make her happy either. Other than that the parts are just exhausted from the SI and purging and hiding and secrets and bullshitting ourselves out of being commited. Tired of being tired and sick of being hurt. Music helps soothe, but really we need our old t :( the new t wants us to re-hash our entire trauma history to her- that is one of our *goals*. Parts inside were screaming in objection to this when she went over this on our wellness plan. Our old t knew when different parts came out, didn't doubt us, listened instead of talked, and let us take things at our pace. This new lady has maybe 2 more weeks before we dump her. It makes us wish we hadn't left Sarah(t) because she may not have understood us fully but at least she cared and gave us good mommy-like hugs. She said she wished she could be my aunt or something and watch over us. We had her as a t before we realized there was more than just Mollie. We're getting away with the purging though, because the self injury is the more important issue at hand. Haha.


<3 Olivia