crazy (small sp for sa)

I'm really seriously considering the diagnosis of bipolar given to me. If I do have it, I'm a rapid cycler(sp?). I get really, really irritable and angry at the world,want to cut, feel really hopeless and depressed and su thoughts pop up-for a couple hours or days, then later I'm all happy hunky-dory again and feel good about what I'm doing and not seeing how I could ever want to cut myself or attempt su. Granted I was given the diagnosis of bipolar at a county hospital where everyone was "bipolar", and I have had only one or two hypomanic episodes, or at least what i consider them to be. I feel so freaking up and down. I get worse at night, my littles get scared and want to hide in the closet (and sometimes i do end up in the closet), they're afraid we'll get hurt, etc. etc. Night is just generally a bad time for me. Even if I've had the most awesome day I still get creeped out at night. I'm scared because my dad knows where I go to college(granted he's made no attempts to see me or find me) and I wish he didn't know that because with his charm he could get somebody to tell him where i was. I realize I'm "an adult now" and he won't want to hurt me, but i cant be so sure. i have nightmares of him, the thought of him makes my heart race. I dunno what's wrong with me- it could be the PTSD or depression/bipolar or anything. I want to see my mom. I don't want to go to school tomorrow but not going won't help me any- i paid for these classes and I will take them. I am so anxious about school. I don't know if that's why i get nauseated everytime i eat (most things) or if that's part of the ED. I dunno, im so confused. My pdoc makes it seem like he doesn't want to work with me, like it's either IP or nothing. This is the first time he's been like this, I don't know if he doesn't feel competent treating me or if he just is tired of trying or what. I need a med change, this is obvious, but i've been on *so* many meds, it's ridiculous. A while ago he wanted me to try ECT but I'm scared to do that, i need my memory for school. If they could pick which memories to erase I'd do it in a heartbeat but it just doesn't work that way. I could lose happy memories i have and be left with the bad. This is why I need therapy. My therapist sits are and tells me things like
*spoiler:sexual abuse
*
*
*
*
*
*

*
*about how her brother was molested at camp by a counselor
*
*
*
*
*

end spoiler
It makes me wonder if she's really doing the therapy for me or for her own issues, or if she's trying to show she can relate to me? I like her as a person and I don't know if I want to change again, but I figure I should give her more of a chance before I move on right away. She feels like a somewhat comfortable fit for me it's just some small things she does- she wants me to tell her about my abuse/trauma from the beginning-! this freaks me out- this is what sends me those "she's dangerous- she isnt safe, she wants us to expose them and talk about the bad things they did to us" My parts get so scared and they don't feel safe coming out or talking to her. She wants to get to know all my parts and talk to them and basically, "get all up in their business". I don't like that- it makes her seem unsafe. It causes me anxiety because i can't re-hash my entire abuse history- i just can't. I don't want to go IP just because she feels like digging through the trash of my past. Well, i have tons of homework to do since i missed my class on thursday because im *STUPID* and slept in until 11am, missing my math and abnormal psych class.