dinner was good. i got steak which i usually never get. i got ice cream. other parts actually didn't tear me apart for my selection of food tonight. then we went to the Wonder book store which is closing and I got some stuff, but their air conditioner was broke so it was hot as hell in there. i feel all out of sorts because I slept friday away, I feel like it should be saturday. I have to work tomorrow because when I called for my schedule they asked me to. not much else. the money for my car is going to come in on/around tuesday. hopefully ill be car shopping soon. we're going to the school on tuesday to try and sign up and pay. I hope the class is open. off i go, <3,





-molliebear



P.S.- I dyed my hair again, it's supposed to be burgandy but it just looks a deeper brown.

not much to say. i pulled my first 8 hour in a while yesterday. they asked me to work tomorrow too when i called for my schedule. things are going good. im going out to dinner(lunch?) with my mom for our weekly visit. I feel so proud of myself because I got that raise (even though all i did was work there for 90 days). I got two credits yesterday and two e-mails so that's good (a whole extra dollar on my paycheck! wowee). I hate giving money to Way Station, I need $$ for school. I don't even know if I'm gonna be able to do it, the deadline for $$ to be in is Aug. 9th. I pray the class still has an opening. well, im off, it's too damn cold in here and im leaving soon. <3,




-molliebear

I got left at the house all day alone (which is not allowed). I was sleeping and I just woke up at 2. Lol, Katey thinks *oops!*. She is just smokin' crack like usual,haha. It was a nice break from sleeping at the club ;) No one noticed that I wasn't around at 1, they thought I was at work,hehe. I hope *I* don't get in trouble. I'm actually still tired, probably the whole sleep to much and it makes you tired syndrome. Well, we're going to wal-mart in a half hour. Not much else happenin' around here. I feel decent today but "A" is here so just give it some time. She'll find some way to tear me down. Well, I'm off, not much else to say. <3,




-molliebear

I'm feeling better now. I got a 25 cent raise today :) I thought they said 25 PERCENT raise,lol. That'd be pretty substantial. so let's see, I'll make 37.5 for 5 hours, where as i would've made 36.25. Oh joy. I'm so glad the fucking voices went away, I was crying in CVS and felt like an idiot. oh well, things are better now. i wish dawn was on!! <3,





-molliebear

fucking voices. two hours until i can take my meds. i went two days without. they are important. scary. i wish there was something i could do that would help more.<3,






- a very scared molliebear

Well I'm not afraid

I'm gonna make you pay

I'm gonna wipe that smile off your face

i feel like shit. "A" was just up and critiqued the whole apartment. I feel like I never do anything good enough and I can never do anything right. She has no empathy. They all have this "I have it worse than you" attitude that I hate. I feel miserable. I feel like I'm gonna puke and get my period at the same time. So needless to say I'm down tonight. I'm on the verge of feeling su, but I might SI instead (that's a better alternative I guess) and that will be my "bad deed" of the night. I can't purge because I feel so sick and I just took my night meds. I don't know how I'll get to go home on the weekend because my room is not spotless. I feel like I'll never get to go to sleep until everything is done. I hate this sick feeling in my stomach. I want to cry. I want to give up, I want her to leave. I really want her to leave. I want to be alone. I feel like the smallest piece of crap scum ever. She has that effect on people. I'm glad I get to go to work tomorrow even though it's just during the club hours. I hate this. I want to cut so badly, cut away the pain. I hope I can hold on for tonight, <3,




-molliebear

so I went to the pdoc. I was wishing for him to add a mood stabilizer b/c my moods have been so up and down (but without manic episodes) lately but he (apparently) has lost hope in finding any med combination that would help and now spouts on about the benefit of psychotherapy. well duh. I'm in therapy. It obviously is not the end all cure all. I felt so low today it was hard to hold back tears in his office. i stared at my lap the whole time. then we got Starbucks, got food, picked up my reading glasses, tried to make it to the lab but they closed 15 minutes before we got there :/ So i have to go out there tomorrow and get my blood drawn so I can get more clozapine. It was an okay day but a certain staff (surprisingly not J) is pissing me off, whenever she's around i feel inferior and she treats us like children but expects us to complete responsibilities of an adult. She's pre-law, if that says anything . She doesn't have much empathy, just a logical understanding of the disorders. I want Melissa and Ann back!!!!!! They were kind AND firm with us. Sweet jesus. I swear they're trying to make this place a living hell so we'll all want to move out right now. Well, yes, I do want to move out, but not *today* thank you. My pdoc told me I don't express things because I fear I'll hurt other people's feelings and he wants me to talk about that in therapy. I'd like to express that everytime they mention us needing to move on and move out I almost puke out of anxiety. I'm sure I will move out soon, I just don't need that added to my list of worries for the *DAY*. I'm not getting the praise when I do things well and I'm the stupid wannabe perfect person that needs it occasionally. My pdoc described me as "raw" from therapy. Well no shit sherlock. That's why I fantasize about cutting my eyes out or performing "surgery" on myself to get rid of all of that god damn fat. Sure, that's normal thinking. And he says hospitalization just to get a reprieve is stupid because I come out and my problems are still there. He said I should go if I'm suicidal but otherwise let the great wonders of therapy fix it (and of course it's going to fix it!9 years certainly has made such a difference, I'm *still* cutting and now I have a diagnosed ED! Wow, that was some miracle they made). I miss my aunt. I want her back. I want to hold her, hug her, tell her i love her. I never got to do that before she died. Going to my grandma's did make me more depressed because it seemed like she should be there and she wasn't. Everyone put on their happy facade and feigned laughter. It was all so fake. I came inside and saw the old family picture from the year before and looked at her smiling face. She had no idea she wouldn't be around for the next family picture. This tears me up inside. I'm still grieving and it's been a year. What's wrong with me? I have to go, I need to take a shower and go to bed so I can end yet another worthless day.<3,




-molliebear

so the weekend was okay. i found some of my old artwork i made while I was at SP the first time. I feel kinda down coming back here but also a little relief. i will miss the comfy bed at my mom's house tho :) that thing can make me fall asleep in 2 seconds. my crappy twin bed here doesn't even compare. i forgot i have a pdoc appt. tomorrow and my mom is gonna be pissed that she has to take me. i feel like i was just there a week ago. no one is answering at my mom's house and she doesn't have an answering machine. damn. <3,




-molliebear

im at my mom's tonight. things are going good, we got some chinese food and we're watching Bad Santa. i think i can make it w/o purging. I got to see my aunt and uncle and cousins today. it was good. not much else to say, going to bed soon because im tired for god knows what reason. <3,





-molliebear

so tired. i dont want to work today. i work 2-8 which is an hour extra from yesterday. i might spend the night at my grandma's house i think. i feel like im gonna just fall asleep right here. My t called out on me again, her and her back problems, ugh. well, i gotta go, i need to buy some socks cuz these shoes are cutting my feet up. <3,







-molliebear

so i finished my last crack of dawn shift for this week. i work tomorrow 3-8pm. i got someone to cover me on saturday so I can visit with my aunt and uncle and maybe my cousins. I don't know how i feel right now, kinda numb. the perfect mood to SI but I went to the Y today and swam and got in the hot tub and i want no more scars. my housemate did the sweetest little thing today that really touched my heart- i had my sleeves rolled up when we were on the van and she saw my SI scars and rubbed her finger over one and then kissed her finger and touched the scar. it was just so sweet that she acknowledged the hurt. she's not a real warm and fuzzy person so it was a really sweet gesture. anyway, someone i know might have cancer and im scared. my aunt died of cancer so all i can imagine is her getting sicker and sicker and dying. it's a terrible thought. well, at least im feeling kind of stable most of the time. i dunno. i wouldn't go so far as to say im doing well. gotta go, <3,




-molliebear

im wishing i had picked different hours. i enjoy working, but at 6 am im not too perky (not that I'm ever really perky ;D ) I'm feeling a little better, I took a nap and therapy was okay. added new songs to the mp3 player. There's a huge storm brewing outside. I like storms unless my mom has to drive through them cuz' she usually chickens out. doing much better in terms of b/p- haven't done it in a week or so, i want to but i still haven't got my heart checked out and i'd rather not die hugging a toilet looking nasty. Or rather, i'd rather not die at all right now. I'm having an "up" minute,lol. im always all over the place. i haven't cut in about two months. it's hard to believe i've made this much progress and i've stayed out of the hospital since November. It's way past the 6 month mark and I hope to make it up to a year- though i'll go in if i need to. I'm trying to eat healthy so i can lose weight and tomorrow i get to go to work (8am-1pm), go to the Y, and go grocery shopping all in one action packed day! I'm off to eat some raisin bran.


<3
-molliebear
"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my lids and all is born again. (I think I made you up inside my head.) <--- i feel this way about my parts

okay, so that post was like, 90% Rose. She's the really angry one. I was a bit angry too but she was very close. my mom came after the library to pick me up but we only had an hour before she had to go back home. not much else is going on in my life, i work tomorrow. i have therapy today (which I *really* don't want to go to). i'm off. <3,



-molliebear et all

fuck this, fuck it all

so three people ask me if im pregnant/when im due today. I take Jess' attitude and think of it in the way that it's a conversation starter, everyone loves babies ,etc. etc. I do that fine until the third or fourth person says it and they *don't believe me*. yes, this is the secret to my pregnancy, i work at kohls and pretend im not secretly carrying a child when I'm not .I know the solution to this problem is to lose the weight, but i can't do that fast enough it seems. people who see me regularly are saying my face is starting to slim down. we're starting to go to the Y on wednesdays too now. The lovely kick-me-in-the-ass of the day was when my mom blew me off AGAIN and didn't even really call to say she's not coming (not before we got to the library at least). So I need to learn to not expect much or anything of her because it gets me no where. i am pretty pissed. so pissed that i cried. i want to cut so incrediblely badly but the heat is the only thing keeping me from it. it's like 58392573295832 degrees outside and id hate to imagine wearing long sleeves all day. Wearing them to work is hard enough (and that is just to cover the scars) or even worse if i had to change dressings and whatnot that would suck. so im currently expressing anger towards my mother. this is a positive thing because both my pdoc and my t say i have trouble expressing anger or dealing with it. you want me to deal with it? i will, i'll call my mom up and tell her exactly what i think. that she spends more time with my brothers than me; that she's irresponsible, selfish, and lazy; that she never did motherly things when i was a child; that her pitiful attempts at making up for my shitty childhood aren't good enough. She can try to buy my love all she wants but in the end I know she knew. She had to. there is no other explanation. my god damned allergies are bothering me as well and im feeling like shit because i've been up since 6am. Fucking good ridance. <3,



-( a very pissed off) molliebear

not enough

im very angry at my mom right now. i feel mostly disappointed. It's nothing new, her not telling me when/if she's coming unless she *isn't* and in that case she'll wait until fucking 9 pm to tell me when it's obvious. I feel so low and unimportant. I feel like I'm not special or unique at all. nobody loves me or will ever love me. im an ugly, hideous mess. i should end it now, i should just do it. but i cant. i dont have the nerve to. ill just wallow in my misery. my own mother doesn't want to see me. i just want to sleep. i hurt. no one cares. i know it. they pretend but i can see through them. this isn't real, im not really like this. i dont know what to do, i want to purge, i want to cut, i want to OD. they aren't really options in a way- i can't purge b/c i'd have a heart attack im sure, i can't cut b/c then i'll have to hide it even more at work, and I can't OD because there's no pills. i dont know how to make myself feel better. i feel lonely and like this feeling will never pass. i hate me.



-molliebear

battling ED urges. what else is new. my scars are starting to fade a bit. It makes me want to go over them again but i really cant b/c of work. I'm finally almost able to wear short sleeves. I wish I had never cut on my arm. I should've kept it to my legs. Jenn is talking my ear off while im trying to listen to music here and type this. fuck her. <3,







-molliebear

so i dont have to work today and i have therapy. im tired as hell for who knows what reason. i have an eye exam today at 3:15. I have tx at 10 and I don't want to go, im dragging my feet. i want to sleep! not much else to say-. <3,





-molliebear

so my heart is fucking up again right now and im starting to get scared. i dont want to go to the hospital. i wish it would just beat like a normal heart.

therapy/work/therapy/work. jumping through the hoops

i feel like im either in some sort of therapy or at work all the time. things at home are stressful b/c they just keep making it harder & harder to live here. i had to clean the van AND mow the lawn this week. I did it before the "deadline" though b/c i knew it would stress me out to think about all week. At work today I got really dizzy and my vision got narrow in a way and i had to hold on to the register wall so I didn't fall. My heart skipped like 5 beats and then I felt weird. I
(unfortunately) was helping a customer when this happened and I had to act like everything was dandy. I told her and she made some remark about that being a part of pregnancy and I told her I wasn't and she said "Maybe you don't know it and you are!". It pissed me off. I'm not FUCKING pregnant. FUCK. I need to exercise more, cut back on food, take more diet pills. I dunno if the ED is what fucked my heart up or not. I almost felt bad enough to go to the hospital but i decided to wait for my break to take care of myself. I need to take some hard candies with me to suck on up there [at the register] b/c my (i guess) blood sugar gets too low and I feel weird and get sweaty. I'm probably freaking diabetic type 2 or some shit like that. SOMETHING is wrong, I dunno what the hell it is. my electrolytes are prolly' fucked up- I got a 64 fl. oz container of gatorade to drink between today and tomorrow. I haven't been thirsty or hungry (no shit) lately but I need my fluids so I don't pass out at work (or anywhere). The heart thing kinda scared me, I almost wanted to go to the hospital but I was scared they'd IP me or something for ED crap. I'm fine, really I am. Anyways, I did my stupid chores and we took out the trash blah blah blah so we don't get a "consequence" im glad i did it when i first got home b/c it's fucking pouring now. i feel like sleeping. i just feel like going to work all day and then sleeping the rest of the time. i want to be with my mom a lot lately- i've been talking to her on the phone a lot more lately. i dunno why. i'm going through Dawn withdraw!! I haven't talked to her or read any updates in her blog (there aren't any). well, im off, maybe i'll go to bed early, who knows. <3,



-molliebear

bored... interesting results

You Are 1: The Reformer

You're a responsible person - with a clear sense of right and wrong. High standards are important to you, and you do everything to meet them. You are your own worst critic, feeling ashamed if you're not perfect. You have the highest integrity, and people expect you to be fair.

What Number Are You?

so today was an okay day i guess. i slept at the thrift shop all day cuz i was tired for god knows what reason. then i went to get my blood drawn and i had misplaced the script and was frantically searching for it at home until i finally found it (yay!). I might be taking classes at FCC this fall, I'm not sure. I want to take Bowling but I might need a car to get there. I'm so tired and i dunno why. I miss dawn and sam. I have practically nothing to eat until we go to the store. I don't want to work this week. im slowly falling back into my slump. the only good thing is I thought I owed money to WSI but they didn't take any b/c it was the first paycheck of the month or something. I also got my 82$ check as well. well, i better go, i have to fill my medbox and then we're going to the library. <3,




-molliebear

my mom did come to pick up me up today. i had KFC and a sundae from McDonalds. Yum. I love my mommy :) Child parts were quite satisfied tonight,lol. <3,







-molliebear

doing better? maybe..

so i worked 8 hours yesterday. i got 5 credit apps so I feel proud of myself for that. It was actually easier to work 8 hours than the usual 5-6 hours. That 30 min. lunch break is what is helpful I think. I also got a "I was spied smiling and saying 'hello;" pass which means I can wear tennis shoes one day. I got 5 tickets for the credit apps but I forget what they're for. I want to go out to dinner with my mom but it looks like it might not go through. I have to pick out classes for the fall now if im gonna go back to school. I don't know if I can handle school and work. I figure it's worth a try and I can always cut back hours at work or drop the class. D might be going back to school but I honestly don't think she can handle it unless she's in the lower classes (and I don't mean to be insulting about it, she's smart, i just don't know if she can handle it) <3,




-molliebear

by the fucking way, i changed my work schedule to 12-6 today instead of 10-4 so I could have therapy- and what happens- my fucking therapist is "sick" and wanted to see me at 12!!!! so i've had no therapy this week on top of all the other shit.

i HATE me. somebody get me through this nightmare

im a fucking door mat. they asked me to work 12-8 tomorrow instead of 2-8. sweet jesus i can't say no. im sore and tired and want to sleep in tomorrow. i feel fat as always and today a *MAN* asked me if i was pregnant. this was just the last straw. i wanted to quit so badly. i wanted to hide away and for no one to ever see me again. THEN 2 women asked me later on in the day. FUCK. and THENNNNNNNNNNN one of J's friends asked if i was pregnant. im just going to stop eating or something. that or puke my guts out after i eat. im already taking fucking diet pills and purging, how can I do more? I have no time for exercise but I could try and make room. I wish I was thin, oh i wish so badly. i hate every single fucking fat cell in my body. i want to be a waif, a rail, bones protruding through my skin. its not fair. i have no willpower. someone put me out of my fucking misery. i swear im bipolar or something. this fucking sucks. god help me.<3,



-a very fucked up molliebear

Not enough, it's not ever enough-save me from the nothing ive become

i feel so frustrated. i cant eat in the group room b/c D. left her damn milk cup in there and blamed it on me. fuck. they asked me to work tomorrow, which i don't necessarily mind, but i just feel so shitty. i want to cut *SO* much, VERY VERY VERY badly. the only good thing that happened today was that i got my optical card thingie so i can go to the eye doctor- Kohls gives optical to part time people, which is good. i want to go with my mom and not live here anymore. i feel like they're trying to make us miserable here instead of support us and help us. i feel so hopeless and bad. i just want to cut myself open and get the evil bad out. i want to cry, but nothing comes. i have nothing. i have no friends, i have no father, i have no life. i never go anywhere with anyone my age. everything i have is determined by 20-year old staff people who are trying to "help" me by giving me the tough love bullshit that does not work for me. i feel like they're just waiting for me to fuck up, waiting for me to miss one of the god damn rules, waiting for me to forget to do something. they pick apart everything i say,do, think, express. if i died it wouldn't matter. no one would care here. i feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. i will always be a fat ugly fucking hog, i will never amount to anything. fuck this.

little update

so life still sucks (royally). im still having su thoughts. nothing new. body memories. go to work. i have off friday so i can have therapy and also just cuz they didnt schedule me. i worked 45 extra minutes today. my body aches (besides the body memories). I'm making friendships with my coworkers sorta. its nice to talk to people that don't live in way station. well, i have to go take a shower and hope i don't cut because the impulses are strong tonight. i will try not to for D and S and just because it would make my mom sad and mess up my chances of ever wearing short sleeves to work. i'll hold on for just one more night, <3,






-(a very hopeless) molliebear

i feel sad and i dont know why. i feel the depression pulling me under the surface. i dont feel like doing anything and i have no one to talk to. i want to cry but the tears don't come. I miss R.- she wasn't my best friend or anything but i felt connected to her, and i wish she was still around for me to see her smile and hear her laugh. life sucks. i am realizing this for the millionth time. i want to be with my mom even though i saw her less than a couple hours ago. i want to be at home instead of here where day by day they make my existance a living hell. i want to give up, i want to so badly. Sam and Dawn are one of the the few reasons i stick around because I know my death would hurt them. so i will hang on, not for myself, but for others. <3,





-molliebear

stupid survey about me b/c im bored

1. What is your full name? Mollie Rose
2. What color pants are you wearing? black sweats with blue stripes>>>
3. What are you listening to right now? "Hate me" by Blue October>>
4.What was the last thing you ate? I haven't ate anything today, I had some diet coke and a diet sunkist>
5. Do you wish on stars? not lately>>
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? hot pink, cerulean or black>>
7. How is the weather right now? humid>>
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? my mom>>
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? yeah :)
>10. What is your favorite drink? Starbucks strawberries and cream frap., diet sunkist, diet coke, sweetened black iced tea.... lots- I like drinks :)>
11. Favorite sport(s)? I don't like sports>>
12. What is your hair color? redish brown>>
13. Do you wear contacts? nah>
14. Siblings? two younger brothers>
15. Favorite month? September>
16. Favorite food? diet coke and oranges
17. What was the last movie you saw? Trainspotting>
18. Favorite day of the year? my birthday/christmas (?maybe)>
19. What do you do to prevent anger? I shove it down into my subconcious :)
>20. What was your favorite toy as a child? when I was younger it was my stuffed rabbit and then later it was my Sega Genesis>>
21. Summer or winter? winter>>
22. Hugs or kisses? hugs>>
23. Chocolate or vanilla? strawberry or coffee(ice cream)
24. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? sure>>>
25. Who is most likely to respond? i hate these questions>>
26. Who is least likely to respond? i hate these questions>
27. When was the last time you cried? last week>>
28. Who is the friend you have had the longest? I dunno, I kinda met them all at the same time :)>>
29. What did you do last night? i worked and then we went to the library and starbucks>>> 30. What are you afraid of? being abused again, my dad finding me, getting fired, panic attacks, feeling out of control>
31. Plain, buttered or salted popcorn?? kettle corn>>>
32. Favorite car? my future car>>
33. Favorite flower?? pink and red roses>
34. Number of keys on your key ring? i dont have a key ring>>>
35. How many years at your current job? one month>>>
36. Favorite day of the week? friday or wed.>>
37. What did you do on your last birthday? ate cake and i forget what else>
38. How many states have you lived in? one>
39. How many cities have you lived in? 3>
40. What would you do if you won the lottery? pay my mom's bills and buy a new car, then pay for college

i hate life. im very agitated. im feeling really really angry. I have a new part named Rose (which is interesting b/c that's my middle name). She is the one dealing with all the anger I think, and she is very present right now. She came out last night and ripped up some papers and punched things (I think, my hand hurts). It's very strange to have an angry part that comes out because I don't deal with anger, I get agitated, but not angry. that's the kind of person i am. anger is a scary emotion. im trying to remain positive but things are just bringing me down. i want to see my mom and im getting really stressed at work. i was on the misses registers alone during a huge swamp of people. People were pissy today. It just added to my negative attitude. By the end of the day I was ready to scream or cry or just run out of the building and quit. Good thing I don't have to work tomorrow. I don't have therapy tomorrow either because of the "holiday". I dunno if I can make it to therapy on Friday given my schedule. I'm going to go and find a good book and maybe that will calm me down. <3,



-molliebear

i forgot to mention- my mom bailed on me, i tried to call her from 3-now and it's probably too late to go out with her now. this disappoints me so much. i tried to make it work. i hate this. i feel like i have to compete to get her attention. fuck it all.

help me

im sick and tired of cleaning and fighting. i want to move out so badly it hurts. i need to save $$ to get an apartment or get one with a roommate. I want to cut, im having su fantasies and i want to give up, it SUCKS. I hate my life right now and I just want to push down on the blade just a little bit harder. i hate this world. somebody get me out of here. don't worry, im not going to act on any of the su stuff, i just need to write it out. <3,





-molliebear