not enough

im very angry at my mom right now. i feel mostly disappointed. It's nothing new, her not telling me when/if she's coming unless she *isn't* and in that case she'll wait until fucking 9 pm to tell me when it's obvious. I feel so low and unimportant. I feel like I'm not special or unique at all. nobody loves me or will ever love me. im an ugly, hideous mess. i should end it now, i should just do it. but i cant. i dont have the nerve to. ill just wallow in my misery. my own mother doesn't want to see me. i just want to sleep. i hurt. no one cares. i know it. they pretend but i can see through them. this isn't real, im not really like this. i dont know what to do, i want to purge, i want to cut, i want to OD. they aren't really options in a way- i can't purge b/c i'd have a heart attack im sure, i can't cut b/c then i'll have to hide it even more at work, and I can't OD because there's no pills. i dont know how to make myself feel better. i feel lonely and like this feeling will never pass. i hate me.



-molliebear