Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

It's cold as hell here. I slept through most of the day in a chair. I'm waiting to get into trouble. I couldn't help it, i just felt like i was in a coma. I'm still tired now. We get to go to the Y today!! I tried to bleach my hair last night but apparently i just got blonde dye and not bleaching dye. I look like a skunk. I need to buy a bleach kit at the CVS today so I can have my pink hair :D I miss Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss!! Well, not much else to say. I feel sick now from eating the turkey sandwich, I thought I had "grown out" of it but apparently not. <3,


-molliebear

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

boringville

Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss is going away for a while :( but she'll get better and come back eventually. Not much to say really. Typical boring Sunday. Nothing to do. We saw a movie called House of sand and fog last night, it was pretty good. The family guy/Stewie movie was okay, not as funny as i thought it'd be but still was okay. Someone was banging on the doors to one of the apartments on friday, Katey had to call the cops and everything but we didn't wake up. I feel like SI-ing but i know it would only make things better for a couple minutes or an hour. I feel restless and need to do something. I only feel like sleeping all day but then later tonight I won't be able to. Maybe I'll read, i dunno, if i can sit still i guess. Byebye <3,



-molliebear

quick update

I get to go home and take a nap soon,yay! The club is closed tomorrow for some stupid retreat the staff are having. I <3 Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss!!!!

My roomates are fighting for the zillionth time. I am sooooooooo sick of it. I did okay today- I did my exercise at the Y, took a shower and did the whole brushing teeth thing which now consists mostly of lots of listerine because the toothbrush still freaks us out a bit. I had been doing pretty good with it for a while but today just, ugh. They want me to play go between and they want me to take sides and i dont want to have to say the right thing. I'm staying out of this. I'll listen but I can't pick a side. Off to do something to ignore them.

i am so bored i am eating. this = bad.

sweet jesus my god

okay, i took a nap when i got home and we went to the Y but I feel like I didn't exercise enough. I can get over that though because they(staff) told us we could go there more than twice a week :D yay! I ate Subway (and no Starbucks ;D ) the veggie delite sub. It was good, the only "bad" thing was I got a bag of chips, and had olives and mayo on the sub. It's good enough to hold in my stomach for now. I want Dawn to come back- i can't stay on so late anymore- it makes me too tired to get up in the morning. Taking a nap is screwing me up too but it's the only way to do it so i can stand it. Ugh, they're doing inspections again, it makes me sick to my stomach- i get all panicky about getting it all done. When Melissa works i don't get that way because she helps me calm down and break it up into smaller parts. J keeps butting her nose in where it doesn't belong. She's still doing the touching crap. It's irritating! Well, off to straighten up the house before inspections. I LOVE DAWN B.!!

tired library times

It's all i can do to stay awake. im tired because i stayed up till midnight last night. I'm totally dissociating too, i just stared out into no where for five minutes. well, i'll post more later if i dont fall dead asleep before then.

it's really not so bad you know, once you get past the taste...

My roomates are being weird. I think they are crazy. They're all "hey beautiful". I am not beautiful, I am a fat gelatenous tub of lard. JC is really bothering right now, she's having trouble with boundries and i have to keep saying no and moving away. It's really uncomfortable. To be online I have to be downstairs though. I'm fighting the urge to purge- i brushed my teeth for like, ten minutes. I think I'll be okay. I wish Dawn would come back, talking to her and talking to Jen through my journal makes me happy :) Okay, now DH is saying "She wants to go out with you, she wants to go out with you!" (JC with me- and that's a HELL no!) Ugh. The only reason I'm really online and not reading in my room is the hope that Dawn will come back and I can talk to her. Listening to NIN...lalalala. I hate my ED, it makes every day and every moment that has anything to do with food difficult. I think I'm getting cellulite on my face... i can see it forming on my thighs. it makes me sick...literally. I've been pretty good with not purging, but after i binge i still feel like a piece of shit and cutting or purging is the only thing that really makes that feel better. Trying to focus on the positive- when I get money from working I'm going to get a tattoo of a pink star with a black outline on my shoulderblade. I'm still toying with the idea of course because my mom and grandma don't want their little girl getting pierced or tattooed at all- it was hard enough to get my third hole in my ears and my cartilage done (though the left one is the only one that's still open, which is kind of a waste) I want to get my ears done more but I'm a wuss and im afraid it will hurt or make more scar tissue like the cartilage did. I still have a little lump on the back of my right ear that's scar tissue- i tried to re-pierce it but damn it hurt like hell. I figure I'll get it fixed after I get my tattoo. I'm also not so sure about the tattoo now that i think about it- I dunno if i want a blue border or a black one?...hmmm. Well, I'm done babbling. <3,



-molliebear

fucking A

Yet again the loud girls are at the library. I'd be on my own computer but we're at the library anyhow so I figured I'd post. I feel like I'm just a few steps away from IP. I'm inches close to SI. The ED is doing shitty today, and in general it was just a bad day. Nothing particularly bad happened, it's more like nothing good happened. I miss Sam!!! I hope we go to Starbucks tonight (ED binge talking there) so I can get a strawberries n' creme. I'm worried about paying Way Station their money from my checks. I had to ask my mom if I could borrow 200$ to catch up. I need a job soon, but it's like a cycle, i get the money and way station takes half and i somehow end up owing money to them and it sucks. Okay, how do you get out of a conversation that you don't want to participate in? Just get up and walk away? I don't want to be rude or anything. GEEZ- another person asked me if im pregnant. fuck starbucks, we're not eating dinner tonight. fucking A!

red spray...........paint.

I dropped off the applications today and went furniture shopping with my mom. We didn't buy anything but I saw some awesome purple furniture (haha, I *will* get a purple couch!!) SP was never the same after they took away my precious purple couch! Yet again I am eating out of boredom and stress. I went out to dinner with my mom to Ruby Tuesday. I was good, got diet soda and a smoothie(instead of a chocolate tallcake!!) and a bowl of brocoli(how the FUCK do you spell the damn word?LOL) and cheese soup. It was really nice and I got to spend time with my mommy. I asked her if once she got her furniture stuff settled I could stay overnight on a weekend and she said yes. YAY. I greatly appreciate time away from TAY. I hope to get a job soon (hence the applications) I've had some really bad impulses to SI. I've resisted for now, but it's just a matter of time. My ED is okay for now, down to purging once a day but drinking tons of milk and constantly chewing tums. I've been having trouble with the *bingeing* now. I keep seeming to miss Dawn :( I enjoy talking to her but I guess our schedules are conflicting. I'm not in school or working so it's different. *
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*SpoiLEr:GrApHiC desCripTion oF SI
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I want to push down as hard as I can with a piece of glass and make the blood spray against the monotonous white walls. It's just a weird impulse ive been having
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Anyways, I miss being on BUS, I resubbed but no mail yet. It seems like BUS has slowed down or something? There must be a lot of lurkers i guess. Well, off to do something more meaningless than rambling.

heavy eyelids...

I'm so tired and I want to stay up to talk to Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss! She hasn't been around when I've been on :/ I don't know if I'm really hungry or just want to fill a void(no pun intended). I feel like I've been doing some sort of exercising today but i haven't. maybe im catching the flu. im probably going to go to bed at nine. I hope to get in touch with my mom too, we're possibly going furniture shopping tomorrow. I have job applications to drop off tomorrow. Must go, too tired.



P.S.- I swear I ate 9 million calories today and I want to purge *so* incredibly bad.

sleepytime

I waited up for Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss, she's not getting on :/ oh well. maybe tomorrow. I <3 my dawn!!!

TGIF-

I had a dream last night that I was shopping for an engagement ring- but I had no boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance. Weird,huh? I'm sure Freud would have a lot to say about that. Things are going okay at home, lots of stress, makes me sick to my stomach and scared as hell. I just keep thinking of my friends and family and how they would be upset if I were to not be around anymore. It's like fighting an uphill battle. I got some job applications, so hopefully I can start to work again. At least today is Friday. I'll post more later, maybe.

Monotony X 308595395379579385

shut up just shut up shut up. My roomates are driving me CRAZY! They keep coming to me over petty shit that I don't even care about... I don't know if they know it's petty?.. I miss dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss! Take me away!! I need some friends with cars is all. Or my own car. I actually really need a JOB but I feel like I need some time off from working. I didn't work because I wanted to, i kinda did it to prove to myself i could get hired. And I didn't appreciate the job so I lost it. It sucks because I really realize how good that job was. Minimum wage is now 6.15, I was being paid 7.25. I want my job back :P I miss BUS, I think they need a break from me. So, I've done nothing interesting or inspiring or important. I'm tired of fighting :( It's irritating to me. I live in a constant state of irritability. It's like a teenage/young adult soap opera in here. I want to move in with Max at this point, i'll move into the old double apartment, let D and J fix their problems on their own. I am not a group therapist, a staff or a mediator. I've said this before but apparently people cannot grasp this concept. I feel so tired and all I did was go to the day program. It's like the anger just simmers until i blow and cruel words and sarcasm and anger spew from my mouth. I don't mean to be mean, I just need to learn a better way to deal with stress besides SI, purging, bingeing or all my other bad habits. Well, I should go because we are supposedly leaving somewhere and I can't wait to get out of the house. Actually I'm not sure if we are or aren't going anywhere but whatever I don't have anything else to say.

<3,


molliebear

sweet jesus!!

This new computer is harder to use than my old one. It's much nicer, has a bigger screen and has a huge ass amount of memory and lots of bonus shit that I don't know or understand though. I'm in the middle of reading "A Million Little Things", it's a pretty good book. I'm in an eminem kind of mood for some reason. I got to talk to my dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss! YAY. Still no contact with Sam though :/ D is being a bitch. I feel like shit, luckily we don't have to be at the club for so long. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired and im sick of being mentally ill. I'm so, blah. Time to sleep it all away.

New Computer, yay

J and D are fighting again. It really plucks my nerves. I’m on a new computer though and it’s nice. :) I was a little bummed I didn’t get to talk to Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss as much as I’d have liked. I had a nice little Christmas with my grandma, she’s so sweet. We almost couldn’t say grace because it was emotional with out my Aunt there. It felt like a big empty void and my eyes were fixed on the empty chair at the table. We got through it without much crying. I’ve been thinking a lot about my dad recently. Not necessarily bad thoughts, just wondering what he’s doing and how he lives with himself knowing what he did, or rather more likely denying and lying to himself about what he did. Not much else to say, Family Guy and stuff isn't on because of the god damn football bullshit. We're watching Fight Club though. I don't want tomorrow to be Monday. I'm just tired of everything. I want to live with my mom again, or at least spend the night there on weekends. Well, i should go, i have nothing else to say really...

mask

I don't know why I'm so tired. Tired emotionally I understand, but physically I haven't done much. I still haven't heard from Sam :( Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss is back :D YAY. Okay so maybe faking happiness in general doesn't get you anywhere(besides the happiness i feel about Dawn coming home).I might write more later. <3,




-mollie

The definition of irritable right now= Mollie

I'm really really pissed off. I think it's all anger I've been holding in for a long time coming out. I want to cut (and probably will the way this night's going). J came back from "running away" for 3 days and said she appreciated what she has here, hours later she's talking about how she hates coming back and how it's a stupid idea except that she had to "look out for her friends"- as if we're in some torture chamber or something. She's got PMS in addition to that. D and D^2 both thought she shouldn't get *yet another* chance. She doesn't follow the rules, bitches and complains about what she does do and leaves things halfway finished. I swear we spend more time cleaning up after her than we do interacting with her. She's like a small child that needs constant attention because their world is an "all about me" kind of place. I'm not saying I don't act that way but I don't act that way *everyday*. So my other friend DB is out of the hospital. I'm going on Saturday if they take admissions over the weekends. If not it'll probably be Friday. Living with this person(mentioned earlier) is so very stressful that the hospital is like a vacation away from her- this is not WHY I'm going, that's just an added bonus. I think it's unfair that if anyone else here had left for 3 days they'd be kicked out of the program, but not her because she has no other place to go. She's the oldest now and the least mature. It feels like interacting with a hyperactive hyena. I know I'm being bitchy but I just need to be IP and get some of this anger out safely and effectively. The only downside of PIW is that they have tx twice a week instead of three times a week like at SP. Something good that I did today was get a manicure and pedicure though it left me with little money. I got an ice cream cone with sprinkles and everything as a reward for the child parts not picking the color of nailpolish and allowing people to touch us. We get to the van.
You can't take that on the van.
Can she stand outside and finish it?
No. We have to leave, why should we wait for her?
Me fuck it Could that be any more of a "fuck you" to the child parts? They're crying and demanding cutting or purging now.Fucking great, thanks a lot,ASSHOLES. The anger just comes over me in waves. I need to talk to Dawn or Sam or do something to let this anger out- not on them but vent somehow. I don't even have bus to talk to :( I feel so abandoned and alone with my housemates for some reason. more later

GDMF idiots

yeah, so my mom called Georgia. Of course they come up with a million things to work on with the crappy t that will "help". Well gee, if she was really all that helpful would i still feel the need to go to the hospital?? If talking to staff doesn't work either, why do it? I don't trust any of them really except for Melissa and she's been off sick. I feel hurt- betrayed almost. My mom didn't believe *me*- the best judge of my feelings, she trusted a person she hasn't even spoken to but a few times. I feel so shitty right now. I don't feel safe, and no one understands the damage i can do to myself. no one takes it seriously and no one understands except for 1 person and she's IP. Write more later....maybe.

dead...yes, i do sound emo.

Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss hasn't e-mailed me in almost 2 days!!, it worries me. I feel so tired right now and I don't know why. I am going into micro-sleep(yay for psych 101). I'm not sure if i'm going to PIW today or not. my mom has to call and all that jazz. I wish I could just sleep the pain away, but i can't. It's still there when I wake up. D just asked me to check out a book about pregnancy because she "forgot her card"- I think she's just too embarrassed to check it out herself. Must go, <3


-mollie

my give a damn's busted....

so more than likely i am going to PIW, I finally talked to my mom and she said wait until tomorrow and stuff and she'd call. So I'm packing my stuff because there's no waiting list and your t doesn't have to refer you apparently. I'm off to shower and shave unsupervised for the last time before the IP nonsense that they have to watch you. <3,



-mollie -_-

Oh yes, AND

PEOPLE WHO ARE LOUD IN THE LIBRARY SUCK! GET OFF YOUR CELL PHONE AND GO OUTSIDE!! Punks!

Just me, the fuck up.

just me, the fuck up.so I'm more than likely going to PIW tomorrow. The bingeing is out of control and it's making me physically(well, duh) sick. Everytime I eat I get nauseated. My automatic response to a full stomach is to empty it, even if im not really thinking about the fat congealing in my stomach. I feel tired emotionally and physically. One of my housemates ran away and another had to leave b/c of his/her actions. I know the one that ran away is alright but they are on very thin ice. We're supposed to get some new people eventually. Most likely guys. This computer screen is all blurry and it's giving me a migraine. We're going to Subway tonight for our "goal" lunch. Neither of the two people I mentioned are pregnant (*sigh of relief*). I am still angry at people that refuse to have safe sex though. I felt very appreciated today, it was a nice feeling. The weather was also very warm and we went out without coats on while waiting for the transit. I "officially" quit from target, I told them I was not coming in anymore. I have about 2 paychecks left from them but I have to split them with Way Station. I'm having a lot of trouble with my parts, communication is poor, parts are ignoring other parts- saying they don't exist,making negative comments, and just reenforcing the ED shit. Well, I must go, the only good thing going for me tonight is Subway and an email from Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss. <3,



-mollie(bear)

if only they knew what they sound like...

so D2 thinks she might be pregnant. she says she wants to be. if you're too lazy to keep up with the condoms and the pill or whatever you use then i say stop having sex you fucking dumbass. I heard she wants to have a baby. What is it with these girls that is making them want to pop out the kids? D1 wants the same thing, she has baby clothes picked out and shit. She's cheating on her bf who's "away" (shall we say) with a man old enough to be her father. YUCK. I mean, I shouldn't judge but DAMN GINA! (that's my favorite new saying) I want to see the family but it may or may not work out. I didn't go to work today because I didn't think i could stand standing for 8 hours. Also, I don't really have to go since i was "let go", it's my choice to keep going and getting paid if I want to. I'm tired (still)- probably because i slept too much today.I miss Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss! and samula too. I feel so alone. So I'll spend another night on my computer doing nothing, really. I get sucked into the drama of the house when im bored. i mean, it's not any of my business but what else is there to make fun of? :) well, i'll have to be going, i have an appointment with my e-mail. love <3,



-molliebear

yes, i do happen to be alive, why thank you for that realization

I feel so tired, i wanna watch this movie but i have freaking work tomorrow, have to get up early and whatnot. im one step away from going IP. the parts are all upset and in disagreement. self injury thoughts and ED shit controlling my thoughts. it sucks. bulimic eating chocolate= fucking dumbass me. too tired to say more, will write tomorrow or sunday.

it's okay, it only hurts when i breathe.

i just had a flashback because I heard the song "Daddy's Hands" playing in D's room. I'm majorly flipping out and i just want someone to hold me and rock in a rocking chair. i have work tomorrow. i feel like there's no point in going except for the money. i really liked that job- i guess i just didn't get enough people to sign up for the stupid target visa card. maybe i am just a fat, ugly bitch with no future anywhere. i know i sound emo but damn. im beginning to think IP is the way to go. i dunno what to do. i can't cut (well, i can't because certain parts threaten other things :x yuck) I just don't know what to do. well, im going to go to bed now- hopefully tomorrow will be better. <3,



-Mollie

BTW: Tay participants:My give a damn's busted.

severed

so i got canned. well, not really canned but as of Jan. 21 I will no longer be working at Target. My seasonal help wasn't appreciated(at least I dont think) so they did not choose me to go part time.i feel like shit, i want to cry and my therapist offered a hug and i declined and now i wish i hadn't. my t thought i might be "bad enough" to go IP but we discussed how I was going to stay safe tonight and I'll see her on Friday. well, im conking out from Ambien and the long day. I love dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss! and my dear MIA friend , Samula!. <3 to all,




-Mollie (and all)

i ache for the red

i want to SI...really really bad. maybe i can just sleep it off, who knows. i feel really lonely and anxious right now...goodnight <3 to all,




-Mollie (and all parts)

Happy New Year!!!! Happy 2006!

I am feeling so irritated. I wish I was with my family drinking champagne :P I can't even spend it with my Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss :( I don't have my Samula either. I keep calling my mom's old house (she never gave me the new #) but no one answers. I want to wish my family a happy new years :/ Oh well. It's okay being here I guess. We're watching American Pie: Band Camp. Time to go to bed, sleepy time. <3 to all my friends and family,




-mollie