worked today. exhausted from lack of sleep. write more tomorrow- i see the gastro doc tomorrow. <3,










-molliebear

having issues. i dont want to go grocery shopping. i really really dont.

P.S.- I will add a pic of how the stitched areas look w/o the stitches (not proud of it eitherrrrrrr)

ED rant

so today is ok so far. i was halfway asleep in therapy (my time was changed to 9am). I'm having issues w/ my ED- i can't b/p because my stomach is already fucked up enough that I have to see a GI doc. I hope he/she doesn't think that all my stomach/intestine problems are from ED. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I need my anti-depressant cuz im going crazy over here w/o it. Stupid fucking prior authorizations. If I didn't need the god damned medicine the doctor wouldn't have prescribed it assholes. I have absolutely no communication w/ parts, no part will tell me who did the self injury that landed us up with 57 stitches (which came out yesterday but the skin is sitll all raised and yucky). I'm tired of trying to explain why I want to be on the SP waiting list and no one gets it. "why can't you go to a local hospital?"- well, because the last fucking time i did (LAST WEEK) I didn't get jack shit out of the program and i only saw my psychiatrist once and got my paxil CR ONCE. What the hell kind of care is that?? I'm starving but I'm trying to restrict so I can start losing some of this weight. I wish I could just lose it from my stomach. Oh well, the treadmill will be my new best friend. so anyhow, I'm tired of the drama in the house, it's driving me nuts. I don't want to fight with "J" or try to stand up to him with "H". I just want to hide in my room until I can leave the program. They asked me if I wanted to go to the georgetown house when a bed opened up. Sure, why not. I think it's just a house not a program, I have to talk to staff more about it though. I feel like I've thrown everything away, it's an odd feeling. I'm not sure how to handle it. I work tomorrow and I'm dreading it. I hate that damned place. IT SUCKS. anyhow, it makes me money so whatever. I still owe Way Station 800$ and I am not doing so hot with paying them back. I feel like i've sold my soul to them or something. I really miss Sam and Dawn. They are both so busy with their lives right now. I could use a Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss vacation but she'd never be home so I'd end up just watching TV all day ;) I wish Sam could come down here and visit but she's got stuff of her own to do too. Well, I should go, this was a sufficient rant.


P.S.- I am losing my mind.

-molliebear

You never loved me like a daughter,You never even loved yourself

You fall to your knees
You beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else
For all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour your heart
In every hour, you're drowning
In your imperfection


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Doesn't matter what I do
Nothing's gonna change
I'm never good enough
~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~
I'm never told that I am pretty
I'm never told that I am kind
And my soul burns now with fire
Deep inside

I want to become brave and courageous
Not buried in self-pity of my own
Ashamed and alone from all
That's been done to me
It's not my fault I remind myself

not showing off. this is how fucked up i am.

Warning/spoiler: If you aren't safe don't look at this.
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These pictures are just how fucked up i am. i have no pride in any of this.

I'm having a really crappy day. i just feel like cracking into a million little pieces. no one understands why I want to be on SP's waiting list. I can't convey it to them well enough. they don't get it at all, i just want to be on the fucking waiting list, it's A WAITING LIST for christ's sake, and it's like, 2 months long. i need my fucking med. i hate the fucking prior authorization. i just can't take this. It's utter misery. I want to cut so badly, so so badly. I dunno what to do with myself. ill just isolate in my room, the only place i feel okay. this has to get better because i can't imagine it getting any worse.-






mollie

oh yes, i forgot if i mentioned before- my asshole father remarried in August. May they both rot in hell.

i feel sad right now. im not sure why. i guess im lonely? Even when I'm around people i get lonely. My arm hurts a bit. People always say "did that hurt?" and i say no..then i remember that it is actively hurting. i dunno why i lie, it didn't hurt the day i did it or any time until now. i feel ashamed of the stitches, i wore long sleeves to shield people from seeing it but it gets warm.. i feel like crap. i feel like we should be doing something more today. i want to see my mom. i will see her on monday but it feels like forever away. i dunno what to do for myself.




-molliebear

P.S.- i had to get 57 stitches while I was there and now they are fucking annoying me. they are supposed to come out on monday (assuming i can get a doc. appointment). anyways,we're leaving soon. update later. <3,








-molliebear

i don't know the first time i felt unbeautiful

feeling low. miss friends. not going back to work until wednesday. going to bed.





-molliebear

i just got out of the hospital. I was in the local county unit. It sucked, it didn't help, I only saw the pdoc one while i was there. i gave up my sharps to staff. i feel sad tonight.

now it's my turn to have a crappy time. im having super issues with eating. i don't know what i need. it's all crashing down.i hurt inside. im having body memories, i feel like im going to puke, i feel fat and disgusting for what i *am* eating, i've been self injuring too much. it just fucking sucks. my best friend is busy and i can't talk to her (which helps enormously, she understands). i want to just throw my hands up in the air and give up. the food i am eating is making me have stomach cramps. i'll know the taste of pepto forever. i dont know what i need. i feel scared and sad and i miss my mom. i hurt. wonder what's wrong with me...






-xxmolliebearxx

so one of my friends that I met at SP has sent me a suicide note. I don't fucking know what to do, I've e-mailed her multiple times but i dont know if it's soon enough. I've been cutting every night. It makes me sick to think about getting caught. I don't want to go IP. I can't if i ever want out of this place. this is the first time i've ever not wanted to get help for my self injury. my stomach hurts every time i think about someone finding out. i need this. it's selfish, but i need it. <3,





-molliebear

exhausted. working too much!! ah! I miss my dawn and sam. I miss Amy. :'( crashing.

had a long day at work. agreed to work 1-8 tomorrow. stupid me. made friends with a cool girl who has similar problems to mine. im tired so im going to crash, write more later. <3,










-molliebear

i miss my aunt so badly. im sitting here bawling because i miss her so much. its not fair. she wasnt old enough to die. i cant stop crying. god it's been at least two years and im still so sad about it. i never got to say goodbye, to see her one last time. its hurts so bad. i hate life. i want to be in heaven with my aunt.

killer headache. stressful day at work. crashing. <3,










-molliebear

things are okay today i guess. im doing laundry (tons of it). my mom is coming around 5-6 or something. i feel weird. i keep feeling like i should be doing something but i dunno what it is. off <3,







-molliebear

been cutting. i want my roomate to go to bed so i can cut. i feel crappy. i want to have an apartment by myself. <3,









-molliebear

I'm numb to the pain that made me sore

im fighting an internal battle


purge
cut
purge
cut
purge
cut
OD
purge
purge
purge
cut
cut!
cut
cut
cut
PURGE!
NO MOTHERFUCKS CUT AND PURGE
i cant do any of it. i dont know how to survive. these parts in my head, it is very hard to see their use. i need help, but i dont know what i need.

spiraling downwards

im falling. cutting more. scared to tell staff because im scared they'll send me IP. im usually willing to go at this point, but im scared ill never get out of TAY. if it had nothing to do with TAY or had no effect on when i leave i would go in a heartbeat. im just scared. i wish i had someone to talk to. i hurt










XxmolliebearxX

feeling stressed. roomate is having trouble and it makes me sad :/

having a hard time. i feel sick constantly, i want to cry and hide.. i dunno what to do, I want to go IP but i can't because then i'll never get out of TAY. bleh...








-molliebear

im having a shitty night (what else is new). hallucinating and whatnot. i feel really sad.im scared. i dunno what to do to feel better. i just want to cut. <3








-molliebear

so im not feeling suicidal at the moment. I have therapy today which always makes me anxious. im going to see my regular doc because of the nausea i've been having for 2-3 weeks. I've been drinking pepto like it's going out of style. I've already gone through one full bottle and am on my second. We are getting two new male staff, i dunno if im cool with that yet. I miss dawn badly. I got used to talking to her every night and now im lucky if i can talk to her once a week. Sam has been hard to get in contact with. I miss her mucho. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life right now. I'm doing much better at Kohls, getting credit and whatnot. My one boss Linda is such a bitch. I had gotten 3 credits and she whispers in my ear "make sure you're asking for credit"- WTF? The customer had her fucking Kohls card in her hand PRESENTING it to me. What a fucking bitch. She is the kinda of boss where everyone is like "is linda working?no? HURRAH!". anyways, im a little excited because i get to open my present from my aunt and uncle. I have high hopes of what it will be but im trying not to get too excited in case it isn't what i thought it would be. well, i think im done ranting for now. <3,



-molliebear

i feel like shit. i am a failure in all aspects. i am a lazy bum. someone should just off me. i see no point in going on. i dont get it.

so it's sunday. i am feeling very overwhelmed and anxious because i haven't finished unpacking my room, i need to clean the bathroom, and i need to do laundry and later i need to clean the stupid ass community room. i hate this house and this program. i want freedom. <3,








-molliebear

got four credits at work! yay. mowed the front lawn. cleaned some in my room. exhausted. miss dawn and sam. tired. dawn is arguing over something stupid. <3,






-molliebear

i want to cut so badly. i hurt inside so much. i can't find a way to make myself feel better. i dont know what's wrong with me. i can't go IP again or i'll never get out of TAY. I feel like I'll never get out now as it is. i hate this place. i hate everything about it.





an hour later:
i still feel like an emotional train wreck but i think i can manage without self harming tonight. i found out im not on the 40 hour house listing which breaks my heart. i have so much damn dissociation i dont remember them telling me this when i want IP last whenever. well, time for sleep.

i feel so drained today. i hold a lot of anger right now. i dont know what to do with it.. i want to cut so badly i can imagine the blood seeping out right now. i feel like no one really cares about me. they just care about the idea of me. im going to crash since i got my meds. i feel like ive lost the war.







-mollie

im feeling really sad tonight. i want to cry. i was to cut my arms to shreads.. i still have a tool. i feel so much emptiness inside. i want this pain to stop so badly. i dont want to go to the hospital. im not going to commit suicide. i just want a break from the pain. a little vacation or something. i feel overwhelmed. i'll probably end up cutting tonight but i dunno how to hide it.. they'll figure out eventually. i miss my mom. but im scared of her at the same time. when she's mad i get scared- child parts freak out. i have therapy tomorrow and im scared if i cut that somehow he'll psychicly know i did it. i want to do big ones, ones that should have stitches... i just can't hide that. i cant have any more scars on my arms- i dunno what line of work i want to go into but i can't wear long sleeves for the rest of my life. i wish i could cry. i want a hug. i need help.