-molliebear
Monday, April 30, 2007
tired. dont want to do chores. im so tired of living here. blah. drama drama drama. ugh. off <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
had an okay day. kinda bored and apathetic. want to cut but i usually only do that at night. i hate being the computer whore just because i own a laptop. i miss dawn and sam. it feels like they don't exist anymore. now im feeling sad. i dont have anything to do. tomorrow i have to go to the club again :/ grrrrrrr. i hate it. ugh, maybe i'll take a nap. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
Sunday, April 29, 2007
so i've posted 52895839 times today. i didn't make my goal for april because i didn't write down what i did right. i feel a little stressed out right now, im starting to feel anxious. i hate seeing people cry, it makes me sad. and BTW: I HATE KARAOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it can die and never come back EVER again and it would be too soon. I'm enjoying my new found love for Plain White Tees. They are my new favorite band. I miss my mom. I have a headache and it's yucky. lalalalla.... <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
hate is a strong word, but i really really really dont like you
feeling better. got my one o'clock klonopin. it feels weird because im not hanging out with my mom today. She's coming up on tuesday to take me to the orthopedist. my ankle is hurting me today. it's hot as hell here. well, we're going out for a while. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
my roomate is annoying me. she keeps making mean remarks about our appartment. If you think it stinks then spray some febreeze or lysol spray. ugh. she always is bitching about something about the appartment. i can't wait to get out of here. Different roomates and more space. blah. my whole body is hurting right now. im not sure why. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
life sucks
i cut last night but i survived. things are a little bit better. im having an emotional flashback (yes, i can realize this) with the staff- they told me in a very stern voice that i would get a consequence if they had to call more than once again to wake me up. This reminds me of the "consequence" my dad would give me if i didnt get up on time. I dunno how to fix this. Alex just told me about some alarm clock that is REALLY loud, maybe i can buy one of those. I'm waiting for the ativan to kick in, im super anxious, dunno why. I want to go get a tattoo but I dont have enough $$ right now. Think I'll wait to get my tax returns before i get one b/c since i want a rainbow (with a pink&purple star at the end) it'll be more expensive than the check i have left to cash. I'm going to put 100$ in the bank and use the 67 for whatever. im nervous because i dunno how im going to be able to pay entitlements. I really really really miss Dawn and Sam. They are my best friends and I never get to talk to them. I know they're busy but it still hurts. My life is completely opposite, i dont do anything productive and im not working or volunteering or anything. I should be able to work with my messed up ankle. I was having a really rough night. Luckily some people from my e-mail support group talked to me (IMs). It helped a lot. I'm lucky to have that support. (Thanks guys!!). I'm still anxious, i dunno what to do to make it feel better. i cant cut anymore, i've run out of places to do it except my arms and i can't do that because then people would know something was up. Well, I'm going to go. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
Saturday, April 28, 2007
im having a crappy night. my ex-roomate called and my current roomate doesn't like her so i had to hear her bitch. i feel so crappy. i feel hopeless. I'm having trouble at nights now. It's like, I want to go to bed at 6 or 7pm but i stay up and i want to be unconcious but then i can't sleep when im supposed to .i want to cry but my tears are just stuck. The tension in my house is so thick. I have been cutting every night so far, 3-4 cuts per leg. I feel so stressed right now i want cry. I'm inching towards IP. Trying to hang on for petty things (i'll get to ride in the car to my appointment, i can drink my favorite soda tomorrow) stupid crap like that. I feel so damn alone. i want a real life hug from a good person that doesn't want to get in my pants. I'm having lots of SU thoughts and of course SI stuff going on. i hate all these depressing thoughts ("I could use .... to harm/kill myself"). I even have dreams about SU ideations. I wont act, i'd go back IP first but im suffering so much right now. I appreciate all the hugs and everything everyone gives. I wish i had someone to talk to one on one (besides my therapist). I feel like I dont have any friends. people ask me what i want to do with my life, and i don't know. i have no clue- i used to want to be a doctor.. and then a therapist... and now at this point i feel my only worth would be to be in pornography because all i am is a body. i dont have anything else to contribute. im sorry if that is graphic or upsetting. I dont think im smart enough to do anything with my life. im scaring myself. im scared ill hurt myself too much and injure something important. my housemates are doing karaoke and it's irritating me. im trying to stay in the group room so i stay safe but it just hurts more. i want to be held like a child and have my hair smoothed to the side and kissed on the forehead and just be held and soothed and told everything was going to be okay. that fantasy is unachievable. i cant be a child anymore (besides my child parts in my head). My other roomate is freaking me out, she's rocking violently. i hate myself for what ive made myself. im not happy with who i am, what i do, what i say, my attitude, anything. i feel all these expectations of myself that i dont know if i can meet. ugh, the urge to cry is so strong but the tears are stuck. no one has to reply, it's just a rant about loneliness. thanks to anyone that read so far
(((hugs))),(mollie)
"She takes the pills to fall asleep,And dream that she's invisible,Tormented dreams she stays awake,Recalls when she was capable"
(((hugs))),(mollie)
"She takes the pills to fall asleep,And dream that she's invisible,Tormented dreams she stays awake,Recalls when she was capable"
im in pain. my feet keep getting the sharp pains in them, in my toes. agh. i think im getting sick. ugh. omg, dario is hilarious. omg, hehehehehe. he makes things a little more bareable. now we're doing karaoke. haha. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
Friday, April 27, 2007
heh, i realized the initials spelled "DEAD". total coincidence!lol. things are better now. i really want to cut now for some reason, on my arms... well, im fighting it for now. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
im so tired of drama here. it doesn't even involve me i just want out. i wish it was just me, "D","E","A", and "D^2". No "J" or "N". ugh. i can't wait until August!! yay for moving out. boys are even more dramatic than girls sometimes... geez. well, im off to do more fun things than listen to them bitch about each other in here. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
tired again. my teeth hurt again now that im off the pain meds. i have an appointment on wed. for the cavities. i want to take a nap but i kinda dont. dunno. im enjoying my time off from work. off, <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
Thursday, April 26, 2007
now i feeeeeeeeeel craaaaaaaapppppppppyyyyyyy. im withdrawaling still. every muscle hurts right now. ugh. i want to sleep, and i will soon. hurrah for that . time to go, <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
having a pretty good day. dawn just farted , hehe. I'm glad it's almost friday. i really want to sleep. i have therapy tomorrow at 9:15 am. it's too early. i want my mom right now for some reason. im bored. bored and sleepy. as usual i miss my dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss! And Samula. i feel alone :/ <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
pain sucks. i hate it. i feel like i got hit by a truck. we had a visitor here but she decided not to live here. im tired. want to take a nap but then i wont sleep at night. i miss dawn and sam. sometimes i wonder if i ever cross their minds. dunno. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
im feeling crappy. my arm pain is still there, i have a migraine, i feel awful. i dunno what to do to make myself feel better. i was thinking about telling "A" that the comment sh made about my child parts hurt my feelings. i want the pain to stop. i hate withdrawal. i think that is why i feel sick and yucky. gotta go, <3,
-(a very tired and sore)molliebear
-(a very tired and sore)molliebear
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
i shouldn't let one pissy comment ruin my day. but i am. i was showing a stuffed bear to a staff and said something like "it's for the kids" (my parts) and the staff was basically like "you should keep that to yourself". it hurt my feelings and it makes me not want to talk to her about my problems. she always minimizes my problems. i want to go cry and cut. i hate living here, i cant wait to move out. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
Monday, April 23, 2007
had an okay day, i slept the whole day at the club. i was just worn out i guess. i miss having friends. i am fullllllllllllllll. bloatatious. want to sleep. can do that soon. jess is a bitchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....grrrrrrrrrrr. off. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
Saturday, April 21, 2007
i know this is my zillionth post of the day but the hurt wont go away. i want to cut, i want to OD, i want to be loved. i want friends, i want a social life, i want to be normal. i want to not be treated inferior. i hate my life. i do. i really do. im trying to change it. maybe i should just go to bed and sleep off my misery. i want to cry but i can't cry down here cuz they'll know something is up. i dont know what to do to make myself feel better. going no where. i hate my life. i probably already wrote that a zillion times but its true. fighting su thoughts. i just want a hug. i want someone to validate my pain. but it wont happen.
roomate is pissing me off. staff (besides the one working now) are being assholes. its an irritating night. we're watching some gay cartoon on cartoon network. i want to play DDR. At least i get to sleep in tomorrow. my mom keeps putting off calling my grandma. i want to kno if we can go over there tomorrow. geez. it's pissing me off. im feeling angry tonight. practically everything is pissing me off. what the fuck. Rage must be close. He hasn't expressed himself lately and i think he's just exploding out of me (the host personality). ugh. this is going to be a shitty night, i can sense it already. off.. dunno what to do instead, listen to angry music i guess. <3,
-molliebear + Rage
-molliebear + Rage
where'd you go..
so we went bowling. it was okay. i had to wear my air cast and that part sucked(my leg is supposed to be immobile). We're going to the mall soon so I can use my 30$ gift card to hot topic. I dunno what I want to get. I wish I could get blue hair dye but the stupid place i work at wont let me :P bitches. I'm not going back until the 30th because it's that crappy there. That's when my doctor's note is for. blah. i miss dawn and sam. i feel like they just disappeared. i dont have friends anywhere. i dunno how i got this way. i used to have friends and stuff. Not anymore though. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
my ankle hurts but im not gonna take the pain meds. i dont want to be an addict like my dad. we're going bowling, i dunno how that's gonna work with my messed up foot. I dont really want to go but i have to so I can visit my grandma tomorrow. I hope she says we can visit. I miss her a lot. I feel fat today (what else is new), dunno why it's sparked up today. im feeling achey, i hope im not getting sick again. ugh, that was terrible. im feeling lonely today too. not quite sure why. well, im going to go, we're leaving for bowling soon. i miss dawn and sam, it's like they don't exist anymore. :( byebye, <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
Friday, April 20, 2007
im feeling irritable. i dunno whats wrong with me, maybe im PMSing. im tired but i want to stay up and enjoy the weekend. i ordered cinny-sticks YAYYYYYYYYY. Okay, they're here, im starving. now im super tired. i didnt even do anything today. lazyyyyyyy day. im off. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
Thursday, April 19, 2007
im feeling tired today. kinda bored, apathetic. i want to see my grandma and get out of this house. i might post later, dunno. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
im feeling really down right now. I really want to self injure. I have no friends. My family doesn't care if i live or die.idont have anything to live for. i can hang on, but only for so long. i want to cry but tears dont come. i don't feel like trying. its pointless. im just going to die sad and alone.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
ttttttiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrreeeeedddddddddd. i miss 'D' , i know she's in a safe place now but i still worry. i want to nap but it's too late. off <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
ankle pain. it wont go away until 4 when i get my codeine again. i want to take a nap but i have therapy soon and dont want to oversleep it. i really dont want to go to therapy, ugh. im feeling a little nauseated. maybe ill just lay down? dunno. off <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
So they let me have the tylenol w/ codeine. It's great because it helps my teeth pain and my ankle pain. My friend is going IP. I'm going to miss her but im glad she's getting help. I'm super tired, i didn't sleep well last night. nightmares and whatnot. Not much to say, I won't be working for the next two weeks thanks to my ankle. I've been cheating by not really using the crutches even though he said not o put weight on it yet. I have to see an orthopedist again and I pray I wont need physical therapy or i'll scream. Well, I'm going to go, I'm going to try and read and if i can't i'll just come back here.... <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
Sunday, April 15, 2007
i fractured my right ankle today. I still have gastroentinitis,my stomach hurts and i feel like shit. i want a hug, i want some compassion, some understanding. im not getting jack shit. my staff is the one being bitchy and non-understanding to me. It's not like i fell on purpose :/ i wish i had friends. <3,
-a very lonely molliebear
-a very lonely molliebear
staff are bitches. ugh. constantly crawling up my ass about everything. its getting really old. i want to vent to sam or dawn but they aren't around. i feel a stabbing pain behind my right eye. I want "D" to come downstairs and make me laugh. gotta go,
-molliebear
-molliebear
damn this gastroentinitis! i feel like shit. i have a killer headache and my tummy is all jumbly. Eh. I'm not going out anywhere today, i was gonna see my mom again but she's afraid of getting sick although i think i just ate something yucky? i dunno. i smell puke :P ew. I've been having these really bad olfactory hallucinations. I smell yucky things that aren't there. I've smelled rotten food, manure, dirty diapers, puke, just to name a few. and no one else smells them. it's yucky and i hate it.off. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
Saturday, April 14, 2007
i have gastroentinitis. I've been puking and having diarrhea all night. IT SUCKS. I went to immediate care for it, had to call off work. slept for like, 5 hours when i got home. i was miserable (and still am to some extent). I ache a lot, have a headache, have no desire to eat. This is kind of making me happy because then maybe i'll lose weight. it is one less thing i have to do. im so damn tired. i want to sleepppppppp. agh. gotta go, <3 ,
-molliebear
-molliebear
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
tired today. having body memories. ugh. teeth hurt. jess was all "you didnt complain about your other teeth until you knew u had cavities". STFU bitch. stupid ho. what the hell. not much to say, i have to do my taxes. feel out of it, i want to cut.<3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
feeling a little better now. not sure why. my teeth dont hurt so bad i guess. there is something on her butt, omg. haha. that was hilarious. i love House, it's the best show ever. well, i gotta go. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
teeth hurttttttttttt! AGH. I don't want to work tomorrow :/ I have therapy at 2:30 and I dun wanna go to that either. I'm just tired. I got so sick last night- I'm allergic to pecans (i figured out the hard way) and was puking etc. last night. YUCKY!!! My dentist appt. isn't until MAY! agh. sweet jesus. they are starting with the cavities. i hate waiting. im half watching this show in french but i haven't spoken it in so long it just doesn't make much sense. Various images with french words i dont understand. Where is anana? Going to go, Write more later prolly'. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
Sunday, April 08, 2007
i hate super-nazi-bitch. all she does is make us fucking clean. UGHHHHHHH. damn her. <3,
-molliebear and all
-molliebear and all
happy easter
i feel sad today. we're not doing the usual grandma's house thing because my brother is still recovering from his tonsilectomy (sp?). feel kinda lonely. miss dawn and sam :'( well, i better go...
-molliebear
-molliebear
Saturday, April 07, 2007
feeling relaxed. a little tired. my girl is playing with my hair :) the cool night staff is here. my teeth hurt. off. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
so tired. i feel very numb and apathetic. i dont have anything to do. im feeling sick (not contagiously) but like, achey. well, gotta go, my buddy needs to read her email. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
Friday, April 06, 2007
im tired, had a long day at work. have to work 9 hours tomorrow. agh. im sleeeeeeeeeepy
<3,
-molliebear
<3,
-molliebear
Thursday, April 05, 2007
im tired. i want to make the appointment with the dentist so i can fix my teeth and they wont hurt anymore, aghhhhh. average day at work... therapy tomorrow. checked in with my t earlier today. watcing family guy. that's pretty much it. i miss dawn and sam (as always) i feel like they've moved on from me. goodnight,
-molliebear
-molliebear
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
took a long nap. teeth dont hurt so bad as earlier. I dont like the cinnamon tooth paste (i haven't tried it yet but i hate cinnamon). I feel like eating A LOT. I've already had a bowl of cereal, a bowl of soup and two ice cream bars. enough for a purge but i dont want more cavities. it's rough. it's like quitting cold turkey. ugh, going to go eat more and get FATTTTTTTTTT. I <3 Dawn!!
-molliebear
-molliebear
Dentist
I have eight cavities and I need a root canal. She told me to stop purging. No shit. Root canals do not sound fun. i dunno when i have to get it done. We also got lost on the way home and ended up in Bowie somehow. We got home okay. I got special toothpaste to use. It's COLD out here, I'm waiting on the porch for everyone to come back because Mika had a meeting. I think everyone's at the Y. Please come home soon, I am cooooold. I had a nice dentist, it was a woman which helped and the dental hygienist(sp?) was there and they let Mika come back too. I want to take a nap but i gotta wait. my apartment is unlokced but i can't go in when staff aren't home. brrrrr. i hope i go to the dentist next week so i can get this sucker outta there or whatever they do to make it stop hurting in the long run. I'm freezing so i'll write later. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
im still nervous about the dentist, but at least i wont have to work. im so tired, therapy really drains you more than you'd think. i have a terrible headache that wont go away and my teeth hurt. i'm going to try and make a list of possies though-
-new people in the house, at least it adds diversity
-journals for every part so now they can communicate in something they actually want to write in
- american idol
- a temporary quietness in my head (thank you parts)
- my girl "A" (yeah baby,haha)
- meds (yay!)lol
- being able to see a dentist and get my teeth taken care of
- i like my hair black :D I can pretend im goth/emo haha
- i dont have to go to the club, yahoo.
- it's getting warmer
- i got a card from my grandma :D
- Paula on American Idol is wearing clothes that make her look like she should be riding a donkey...hahahaha
-sleep
-Gina from American Idol, yea girl!!
-bus (yEAH support!)
okay, that's good enough for now...
-new people in the house, at least it adds diversity
-journals for every part so now they can communicate in something they actually want to write in
- american idol
- a temporary quietness in my head (thank you parts)
- my girl "A" (yeah baby,haha)
- meds (yay!)lol
- being able to see a dentist and get my teeth taken care of
- i like my hair black :D I can pretend im goth/emo haha
- i dont have to go to the club, yahoo.
- it's getting warmer
- i got a card from my grandma :D
- Paula on American Idol is wearing clothes that make her look like she should be riding a donkey...hahahaha
-sleep
-Gina from American Idol, yea girl!!
-bus (yEAH support!)
okay, that's good enough for now...
therapy was stressful , i cried afterwards. im scared my dad will find me. im worried about the stupid grocery store and getting chores done and doing everything right. I hate feeling/living this way because it's exhausting. I'm nervous about the dentist tomorrow because of how bad of shape my teeth are in. im embarrassed about my bulimia, and i want staff to go back with me but i dont want them to know how lately ive been purging. i dont even binge most of the time, just purge. I hope they wont try to send me off somewhere. im really tired, i want to take a nap but i wet the bed during a nightmare so all my bedding is awaiting the wash. i feel so shitty and low. i wish i could have a hug, but i dont want my dirty yuckyness rubbing off on anyone. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear
craptastic
i am having an okay day. what makes it craptastic is that i have to go to the dentist tomorrow and i am scared shitless. I haven't been in WAY too long and I'm scared they're going to tell me i need dentures. Everyone keep reassuring me that wont be the case but i wont stop freaking untl the dentist tells me i wont need them. I know it's kinda shallow (to worry about dentures) to think like that but im scared of getting teeth pulled. I'm super cold in the damn library. my hands are cold from typing. I keep typing words similar to the one i want to use so im using backspace like 423329582 times. Things are okay at work. I like most of the people I work with but there are a few that are eh... I like having the smaller apartment because then it's less space to clean. Someone new is moving in today. For some reason I'm reminded of the time when I was on the overflow unit at SP and they wrote down i was trying to cut off my legs just because i was cutting on them. haha, no one said anything about that until i got up to the trauma unit and they were like "What the heck?" and fixed it in my chart. People are netorious(sp?) for misenterpreting my words. I dunno why. I'm feeling alright right now but I'm scared of therapy. Of what it will bring up. I worry about "A", she's feeling shitty. Well, I think I'm going to go look for some books or something, <3
-molliebear
-molliebear
Monday, April 02, 2007
help me im drowning
so im waiting for the hot water to regenerate cuz dawn took a bath. work is double exhausting with fucking Rage making comments EVERY god damn second we have a customer (luckly i dont let him say em' out loud) but it makes me very very tired to suppress all his shit. I think he's like an abuser part for me, cuz he says things my dad said to me and stuff he did. April 1st was worse than other anniversaries because he introduced the knife into the mix. I don't want to trigger though. He would ******. that's why i did it like 3 times at SP a year ago. ive been having trouble keeping food down too. i haven't been throwing up, but i really want to, fucking bulimia- i blame him for that too. you can't be fat like your mother, she's a fat fucking cow that no one would want.... im listening to silverchair to try to make myself feel less alone in my issues. I want to stop feeling what im feeling. it hurts, im going to have a full blown flashback tonight i can tell. i'll end up in the damn closet again. i guess i hide in the closet because my dad didn't look in the laundry room closet because he was to fucked up to put forth the effort (although he eventually caught on). god i fucking hate the bastard. then he fucking pawns me off to his friends at work. ugh. sometimes i wonder if i have a huge sign on me that says "HURT ME!" "ABUSE ME!" "TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME!". as you can tell im having a shitty night. worse than yesterday. i want to cry but the tears do not come. I have therapy tomorrow and im going to be drained. im sharing Olivia's journal (she's the only one open to journaling right now, besides me). parts are freaking out because they dont want to integrate at the moment even tho that's the main goal. i hate feelings. i dont like anger. it scares me. anger is one of those emotions i stuff and when people are around me that are angry i retreat. i want help but i dont know how to get it. i miss dawn so much, that will bring tears to my eyes easily. i have abandonment issues (seriously). i only had one friend i talk to on a weekly basis (more than that) and that is because she lives in my house. i feel like a fucking loser. i want to cut so bad, ugh, REALLY REALLY bad... it's rough. i lost a "tool" somewhere in my room and i need to find it b4 someone else does... anyways im off. i need that hot bath.
today was worse than yesterday. more body memories, parts dont want to journal (although i guess i should focus on the positive, that any journaled at all) ugh, im having fucking issues. half in flashback and half way out of it, parts rapidly swtiching and the fucking body memories. i want it to go away. i feel shitty, i want to cry. <3,
-molliebear
-molliebear