life sucks

i cut last night but i survived. things are a little bit better. im having an emotional flashback (yes, i can realize this) with the staff- they told me in a very stern voice that i would get a consequence if they had to call more than once again to wake me up. This reminds me of the "consequence" my dad would give me if i didnt get up on time. I dunno how to fix this. Alex just told me about some alarm clock that is REALLY loud, maybe i can buy one of those. I'm waiting for the ativan to kick in, im super anxious, dunno why. I want to go get a tattoo but I dont have enough $$ right now. Think I'll wait to get my tax returns before i get one b/c since i want a rainbow (with a pink&purple star at the end) it'll be more expensive than the check i have left to cash. I'm going to put 100$ in the bank and use the 67 for whatever. im nervous because i dunno how im going to be able to pay entitlements. I really really really miss Dawn and Sam. They are my best friends and I never get to talk to them. I know they're busy but it still hurts. My life is completely opposite, i dont do anything productive and im not working or volunteering or anything. I should be able to work with my messed up ankle. I was having a really rough night. Luckily some people from my e-mail support group talked to me (IMs). It helped a lot. I'm lucky to have that support. (Thanks guys!!). I'm still anxious, i dunno what to do to make it feel better. i cant cut anymore, i've run out of places to do it except my arms and i can't do that because then people would know something was up. Well, I'm going to go. <3,



-molliebear