im having a crappy night. my ex-roomate called and my current roomate doesn't like her so i had to hear her bitch. i feel so crappy. i feel hopeless. I'm having trouble at nights now. It's like, I want to go to bed at 6 or 7pm but i stay up and i want to be unconcious but then i can't sleep when im supposed to .i want to cry but my tears are just stuck. The tension in my house is so thick. I have been cutting every night so far, 3-4 cuts per leg. I feel so stressed right now i want cry. I'm inching towards IP. Trying to hang on for petty things (i'll get to ride in the car to my appointment, i can drink my favorite soda tomorrow) stupid crap like that. I feel so damn alone. i want a real life hug from a good person that doesn't want to get in my pants. I'm having lots of SU thoughts and of course SI stuff going on. i hate all these depressing thoughts ("I could use .... to harm/kill myself"). I even have dreams about SU ideations. I wont act, i'd go back IP first but im suffering so much right now. I appreciate all the hugs and everything everyone gives. I wish i had someone to talk to one on one (besides my therapist). I feel like I dont have any friends. people ask me what i want to do with my life, and i don't know. i have no clue- i used to want to be a doctor.. and then a therapist... and now at this point i feel my only worth would be to be in pornography because all i am is a body. i dont have anything else to contribute. im sorry if that is graphic or upsetting. I dont think im smart enough to do anything with my life. im scaring myself. im scared ill hurt myself too much and injure something important. my housemates are doing karaoke and it's irritating me. im trying to stay in the group room so i stay safe but it just hurts more. i want to be held like a child and have my hair smoothed to the side and kissed on the forehead and just be held and soothed and told everything was going to be okay. that fantasy is unachievable. i cant be a child anymore (besides my child parts in my head). My other roomate is freaking me out, she's rocking violently. i hate myself for what ive made myself. im not happy with who i am, what i do, what i say, my attitude, anything. i feel all these expectations of myself that i dont know if i can meet. ugh, the urge to cry is so strong but the tears are stuck. no one has to reply, it's just a rant about loneliness. thanks to anyone that read so far


(((hugs))),(mollie)
"She takes the pills to fall asleep,And dream that she's invisible,Tormented dreams she stays awake,Recalls when she was capable"