IT FREAKING HURTS

i sprained my right ankle (the one i didn't have PT for) and it is hurting like hell. Tylenol is not cutting it! I hate it, agh. I work tomorrow- 9-5 which isn't bad. i'll just hate standing on my feet all day. Thursday I have off for my IRP which is completely stupid (though a good excuse to get off work) and friday and sat. i forget what i work. i feel so tired but this pain in keeping me awake. I haven't talked to Dawn in days (maybe over a week!) and Sam in a LONG time, like, 8-9 months. I need to talk to my Samula!!! Ugh. I dunno what to do to make the pain stop, about to cry, yuck yucky yucky. child parts are all excited for Christmas and decorations and all that. blah. im going to try and sleep but it prolly wont work either (beside the pain) parts really miss Dawn :( Oh well, goodnight. <3,




-molliebear (with Olivia & select child parts close)

Been busy with work. Haven't had the chance to talk to Dawn or Sam. I'm worried about Sam, I haven't talked to her in a *long* time. I've been having intrusive thoughts about the suicide that occurred when I was at SP in 2004. I just keep seeing her body on the ground, and staff trying so hard to get her heart to beat and for her to breathe. She had a pulse when she left SP, but she died at GBMC. It was so final. We thought she just SI-ed really badly or something. we didn't think she would die. her smile just keeps flashing in my head. i had only been there a week when this happened. i still haven't gotten over it. And then the other SU at SP that occurred when I wasn't there haunts me too. I remember talking to her and what she dressed and what calmed her down when she freaked out. The only good I see to all these thoughts is to remind me that even though I might feel better if I was dead, that it would leave a trail of sorrow (and i have to dig deep down to realize that). Well, I've done enough "deep reflection" for tonight, Dawn- I LYG!! Sam is prolly' not reading thissssss but if she is i luv& miss you mucho!! <3,



-molliebear

So I haven't posted in a while. Busy with work and whatnot CRAZY holiday season madness,lol. I miss Dawn and I'm really starting to worry about Sam b/c I haven't heard from her in like, 6+ months!!Samula come back!!!! Im sure she's just busy but it feels like she's forgotten me :( I feel very lonely. I need to work on the holiday cards and get em' sent out so they'll be there in time for x-mas!! I love getting the mail already. I'm getting sleepy now. Time to go to sleep, yucky work tomorrow!! ugh. sometimes i wish i had someone (as in, a significant other) but i think i'll never find one. *nods off* that's all until tomorrow. <3,





-molliebear

fucking jerks

I am feeling so full of anger right now. Maybe it's PMS, maybe it's just been building up, I dunno. I feel like cutting so badly, I am that angry!!! ugh. I want out of this shithole way station. I'm sick of immature staff trying to give me some sort of fucked up "wisdom" that only proves they're fucking insensitive idiots. They pick sides. They totally pick sides and it really makes me mad. I have low patience. We asked "X"to do ONE chore, ONE FUCKING CHORE, and she won't do it, so I tell staff and they say "Well, did you sweep and mop the kitchen and hardcore clean before like she did?" well, no, we have *jobs* so wtf. Did she work an 8 hour day supervising 5 people and keeping change in all the registers and making sure everyone got a break and recovery was put away??? NO. She didn't. She went to the thrift shop for four hours. this irritates me. I'm going to cut because anger is bad and i need to shut up and i deserve this shit. off.




XxX-Rose-XxX

Can Sarah come out?

painnnn! agh. back ouchiness. "J" is laughing so damn loud. Sarah came out in therapy today and played Candyland with the t. This happened after the t complained (although she wouldn't use those words) and practically told us we were doing no work in therapy. So Sarah came out and played 3 games of candyland with the t after crying a bit and holding on to stuffed animals the t had in the office. Maybe more parts will come out, who knows. The only reason I have to complain is Sarah never looks "grown ups" in the eyes and keeps her (our) head down all the time so when I (mollie) came back out my (our?) neck hurt like hell, very stiff and ouchy. I still have not made contact with Dawn or Sam and I'm starting to get really worried. :( I hope everyone is okay, I have really bad seperation anxiety issues (even though I only talk to them online!) so it bothers me more than other people would. Well, I'm off to lay in bed with my heating pad and humidifier and see if i feel better tomorrow. I'm worried about work because Black Friday is coming up and I'm worried!!!! Anyhow, Dawn, if you're reading this I LYG!!! Sam, if you're reading this (i dunno if ya would be b/c u dun have my blog address) I miss you dearly XOXOXOXOX. <3,



-a broken, raw molliebear

nobody knows what its like.

TIREDDD!!! agh. sleep is so not over rated,lol. not much to say. work is tough but i get it done. im worried about being left alone being 27. my back has been acting up and hurting really badly. i still miss Dawn and Sam dearly and haven't talked to either one in too long! im so lonely. oh well. time to go to bed cuz being stretched out makes my back feel better. <3,






-molliebear

you've got everybody fooled

im feeling depressed and i dunno why. i wish i could just get over this crap. Having more nightmares and yucky body memories. i just want to cry but the tears will not come. i miss my mom even though i saw her less than an hour ago. Child parts all freaked out and whatnot. ugh. i hate being DID/PTSD. it isnt fair. why why why. i hate it. i might need to cut tonight, i dunno. we are so confused about how we feel about work. Part of the time we feel happy to get out of the house and other times i just want to sleep forever. i wish i could OD (not the kind where you die), the way that you just sleep it off for however many hours. but i cant. "J" just used my food and thought it was hers. i must pick my battles tho'. ugh. i dunno what to do, i miss my dawn and i feel scared without her. samula is not answering my e-mails :( I miss her dearly too! Well, i figure i'll just cut and go to bed and hope that's good enough. i hate not being able to cut on my arms b/c of work. it is easier to make em' deeper and whatnot. off i go, <3,





-molliebear

I am so sore!!! I worked an 8& 1/2 hour shift with no lunch break. I am exhausted. Dawn- I <3 ur guts!! I might go to bed early even tho' i don't have to work until 12 tomorrow (the one good use for therapy!!) "A" is back and shares my diagnosis. I don't wanna be a supervisor any more,lol. Well, I'm off- i have a zillion things to do. <3,





-molliebear

im so tired. dawn (roomate) is being gross. i may have to puke,lol. I have a humongous headache and my body hurts. I did my treadmill though! I miss my Dawn, and parts inside miss her too. sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy. goodnight. I <3 your guts Dawn!! <3,






-molliebear

So I fell asleep before my mom called. She didn't get to come up today either. oh well. i didn't get to clean the van today so i have to do it thursday and i dun wanna! UGH. Everyone is on their frickin' period so everyone is bitchtastic. That's what happens when you live in a house of so many girls! ugh. that's all i can say is "ugh". We're going grocery shopping and I just don't feel like it. i dont feel like eating. ive been losing weight but i still feel fat. not enough weight loss for me. <3,





-molliebear

tttttttttttttttiiiiiirrrrrrrreeeed. i want to talk to my mom about a day pass for tomorrow but she's not home yet..............ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, im falling asleep from the Ambien!! I must stay up- I want a day pass w/ my mom tomorrow and the only way to set it up is to stay up until she calls. agh. i miss Dawn!!! I haven't talked to her in such a long time! going to bed <3,





-molliebear

painful yuckyness! I had the stomach bug all day (today and yesterday). started writing this like two hours ago,lol. now im too tired to write any more. goodnight. <3,






-molliebear

so sore!! got my bronze name badge today :) Trying to train for 27!! I miss Dawn!!! So much work, aghhhhhhhhhhh. Tired. goodnight, <3,










-molliebear

dyed hair. looks good. still tired. work. training for real tomorrow. waiting for a prior auth. on one of my medicines and it's pissing me off! I need that med! i want to be with my mom right now. feeling blah. <3,






-molliebear

feeling tired. t called out again. dying my hair tonight. feeling blah in general. kinda down. not much to say. <3,






-molliebear

mad world

today wasn't so bad. i went to work (I didn't get to train b/c the people that were supposed to train me didn't work). I got three credits (yay). I have off tomorrow (even more yay). I still feel all fat and bloatatious. i keep getting told im on too many meds. im considering weening down to less to see if i feel any better. im going to dye my hair tomorrrow, a burgandy color. my bracelet that dawn made me broke at work today :'( I still have the one she sent me while i was IP but i really liked the other one. I broke a different one the other day too! I was having a crappy day last wed. and saturday. i survived last night without self harming. barely,lol. i took a bunch of benadryll. im listening to music to try and calm my suicidal thinking stuff. feeling really anxious all of a sudden, dunno why. ugh. <3,





-molliebear

this is how i feel

All around me are familiar faces, Worn out places, Worn out faces, Bright and early for the daily races, Going nowhere, Going nowhere, Their tears are filling up their glasses, No expression, No expression, Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow, No tomorrow, No tomorrow, And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had, I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take, When people run in circles it's a very very, Mad world, Mad world, Children waiting for the day they feel good, Happy birthday, Happy birthday, Made to feel the way that every child should, Sit and listen, Sit and listen, Went to school and I was very nervous, No one knew me, No one knew me, Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson, Look right through me, Look right through me, And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had, I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take, When people run in circles it's a very very, Mad world, Mad world, Enlarging your world, Mad world...

unchangeable

im so sick of being fat. i hate it. sometimes i wish i would just die so i wouldn't have to do it myself.i hate my body. im tired of being fat and people asking when im due. i just want it all to end. i know ill end up SI-ing tonight because i just can't take it. no matter how much i puke or walk on the treadmill or use laxatives i will never be skinny and beautiful and normal. i hate me.

so stressful. worried about what imma do when im a boss. a boy was hitting on me today :) I like him too. lol, part of me was scared but it was nice to be liked in that way. i like working with him and the other new guy. It's Christmas at Kohl's! All the decorations are up. I was worried about my mom b/c I couldn't get a hold of her the other day but the dog had pulled the phone cord out of the socket. tired. i miss dawn. <3,






-molliebear

Promotion! YAY

The promotion I may have mentioned here before went through! I got it!! I'm going to be making 50 cents-a 1$ extra per hour being a "27" (lanes supervisor) (so i'll make 8$ or 8.50) I feel proud for once. I can't get a hold of my mom to tell her- I feel uneasy because i haven't talked to her today and i haven't told her i love her (i have this new paranoia that my family will die and not know i love them. I need to work on my skill entering numbers from the keyboard at work w/o looking. I guess some of it will come with time. I start training next week w/ either one 27 who i <3! or the other one who I don't like so much. I hope it's w/ the one who is nice to me. LOL, she's the one that did my first 4 void afters because i forgot to give people their senior citizen discount. I felt so stupid like people didn't believe i can do this new job. Rhonda (one of my bosses who picked me) has a lot of confidence that I can do it. I sure as hell hope so. I'm going to be working more hours, so I really need a car so I can open the store or do closing when they close at 10pm. One of the 27's was trying to tell me how hard it was and discourage me from taking the position, when i started to look kinda sad/freaked out she was just like "You'll figure it out"- not really all that comforting. I really feel like cutting for some reason - i dunno why. Had another stabbing-behind-the-eye headache today and it sucked. I'm so proud of myself,lol, i haven't even worked there for 6 months yet!! I get a bronze name plate in November for 6 months of working there. I'm excited that im getting closer to getting out of TAY. I also got my goal for October :D I like achieving things like that. So all in all i feel good right now, but that never means anything,lol. Minutes from now i'll be crying for god knows what reason.


<3,


-molliebear

You should see my scars
Try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend.