Tuesday, January 29, 2008

i feel so fucking SU. i want to cut but im scared ill get caught. i hate my life so much right now...ugh. i hate me! I want to scream it. i hate me. and in the end i am left alone.

IM ramblings...other person's reply cut out

ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:11:11 PM): i hate my life, i want to die so badly
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:11:15 PM): im tired of the hurt
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:11:19 PM): of feeling alone
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:11:29 PM): of having no friends here
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:11:41 PM): of not even being allowed to cut
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:12:03 PM): of all the expectations of me
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:12:10 PM): of the pressure
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:12:24 PM): of being fat and disgusting and worthless
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:12:28 PM): im just so sick of it
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:12:32 PM): i want to cut
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:12:37 PM): i dont want to give it up
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:12:40 PM): i deserve the hurt
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:12:45 PM): its my own damn fault
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:13:13 PM): its my only release
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:13:22 PM): and now my therapist is pissed at me
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:13:28 PM): and my doctors are mad
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:13:37 PM): and i just want to crawl up into a little ball and die
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:14:08 PM): because they've broken my spirit and no one is surprised
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:14:43 PM): im tired of being alone and hurt
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:17:30 PM): i want to have control and they've taken it all away from me
ZzDarkStarzZ86 (10:17:37 PM): and i can't handle that
ZzDarkstarzZ86 (10:17:45 PM): and nothing is fair, nothing in life is fucking fair
Okay, so I just got out of therapy a bit ago. My therapist actually said "I'm not going to treat somebody who's going to die", i.e if I cut like that again he won't see me anymore. It was a real wake up call.. I didn't think he would say that. It also put things into perspective, if I don't stop I could accidently press too hard and sever an artery or something and die. I don't want to die, I just want the pain to stop. Also, I have to have written internal meetings *every day* and I have to show them to my t. My hand is hurting me right now, i think i slept on it. I'm not sure how I even really feel right now, some shock mixed with the fact of reality. I do not want my friends/family watch me slowly die (from SI and bulimia). I want to live, I do, it's just things get so damn hard and self harm has been my best friend since I was 6. It's like trying to completely ignore a good friend you've had, even if they brought out the worst in you. I'm scared to search my room for sharps so other parts can't self harm, but I feel like they'll just find new ones anyway. I need to communicate with them, and hopefully they can come to an agreement to stay safe. <3,


-molliebear

Monday, January 28, 2008

I feel like shit physically. I have a headache and my freaking arm hurts. i guess it's all that reconnecting-healing-nerves crap but my fingers can move fine so i dunno. i have community room for a week because i forgot to take out two small bags of trash. i hate this house so much. it is so petty. I feel so irritable lately, it is either irritable or exhausted. I'm anxious about seeing my therapist tomorrow, i haven't seen him in more than a week. i feel pretty hopeless and worthless right now. i feel like i have no friends (I have about 5, and none of them live near me). i get the passing thoughts of suicide and i really want to cut but im trying my damndest not to fall again. I know if they catch me cutting i will go IP again and maybe get sent to a state hospital which i *DO NOT WANT AT ALL!!!!*. I don't want to rot away in some institution somewhere. well, i have nothing positive to say so im off.



-molliebear

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Having an anxious day. I'm not sure why I feel this way. I miss my mom, even though she's sick and couldn't visit today anyways. I hate feeling this way. It sucks. I want to sleep all day. I don't want to do budgeting goal work. blah. <3,








-molliebear

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Had to take an ice cold shower today :P The idea we had to wrap my arm up in part of a plastic glove and tape around the end didn't work. I can't get it wet because of the internal stitches and i have to have them in for two weeks!! Grrr. It's a pain in the ass to shower with this thing. Serves me right for cutting in the first place. Blah. off <3,






-molliebear
feeling self concious of the fact that i've had 94 stitches in the last 6 months. something must change. i dunno what but it's gotta change. <3,






-molliebear

Thursday, January 24, 2008

So I cut on sunday. I cut through muscle (yikes)- 37 stitches. Had to spend 5 days inpatient on a crappy county ward. I feel better now but my hand hurts (well, duh). i am tired all the time because i slept all day while i was there. anyways, im off. <3,





-molliebear

Sunday, January 20, 2008

i am a fat fucking slob. i am disgusting. all the fucking shit that happened to me is my fault. i fucking hate myself. i want to end it all so bad.. one of my parts came out and scared my roomate and now i feel like shit. ive been switching all damn day because i (mollie) have been having unsafe stuff going on and it's been a free for all with parts coming out. i want to cut so badly. i dont see the point in avoiding it anymore. who cares if i hurt. off.
So Rose came out yesterday for the whole day. I was having self harm issues so she did work for us and was out when we got home. She introduced herself to my roomate. My roomate was cool with it, which is a relief. So it's me Mollie here now. I'm feeling anxious and I'm not really sure why.Blah. If only I had my Ativan PRN! I hate this. I have a headache too, I assume from switching. I slept crappy, I couldn't balance the temperature in my room and i had weird dreams and weird crap like that. Anyways, I'm off. I feel like I need to do something "productive". Loneliness sucks. <3,







-molliebear

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Work was a bitch today. It really really sucked royally. So I have 2 days off then work Sat. and then off Sunday. But I did get the Superchick CD I wanted finally !! Amazon is damn slow (at least this one was, it took 2 1/2 weeks to get here!!). Some of the songs are gospel-y and christian but they are a little bit more subtle than some. im exhausted... i should sleep... eh. I want to cut and i only half way know why. the two new parts are kinda contributing to this i think. off to sleep, or *try* to sleep.









-molliebear

Monday, January 14, 2008

stabbing eyeball headache. blah. body memories. blah. work, eh. sleep, yes.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Start work up again tomorrow. Anxious about that. Did some super cleaning so hopefully our cleaning list isn't too long. Not much else to say,I wish I could've gone to Dawn's graduation party :/ I feel really bad about that. blah, i have to go... <3,










-molliebear

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

i feel like shit emotionally. my ED sucks, my depression sucks, everything fucking sucks. im tired of all the drama and bullshit. I feel like never talking again or sharing anything with anyone except for my therapist, pdoc and staff here. I'm pissed off. I dunno what else to say. I want out.








-molliebear

Thursday, January 03, 2008

had a breakdown today. housemates helped me feel better. tired, so im off. see my pdoc tomorrow. <3,









-molliebear

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

having extreme ED issues lately. I dunno what to do. i feel lonely and misunderstood. i feel empty inside. food just makes me feel sick. i feel like nothing can save me. i want to cut so badly but i cant. ive only been out of the hospital for a couple days now... off. <3,







-molliebear