im a sucker

only worked for 6 hours today. it was nice. and i didn't have to be "27" (yay). working in retail has made me realize how naive and easily fooled i am. i am too trusting of people. i feel stupid because other people see these lies that i dont. i am such an idiot. i feel shitty now (I ache). the only good thing is i have money. woohoo (note sarcasm). off. <3,






-molliebear

feel very anxious. been cutting practically every night. work is stressing me out mucho!! I miss "D" and Sam. Sam hasn't contacted me in any way and i keep thinking it must be me, she never liked me, i was just there to talk at or something. im down. im falling closer and closer to IP each minute. someone at work realized i was a cutter today (i have scars on my arms- though i've been wearing t-shirts and whatnot for like, 3 months already)- she actually said "Oh, you're a cutter"- half question, half statement. she told me she used to do it when she was depressed in her past relationship. i like her a lot though, so her commenting about my scars didn't bother me much- i get more freaked out when people ask *what* they are, as if there is some logical reason that i have scars all over my arms (well, to clarify, my left arm [im right handed]). i run out of nice ways to avoid answering. sometimes i wanna say "NONE OF YOUR GOD DAMN BUSINESS!", but im nicer than that haha.im so tired of working, it's making my immune system crap (i have some sort of sinus infection/cough/achey mess going on) plus i just feel like shit most of the time, im either tired from not getting enough sleep or from working so long a shift. nine hours is a damn long time (lol, considering the bitchiness-of-the-customer ratio). well, all this journaling didn't do shit for me really (parts are still having their own issues and whatnot). having ED issues (texture kinda stuff), and of course body memories. How would my life be complete without my baggage? lol. going to take a bath, maybe help w/ the body memories? <3,




-molliebear

the dreams in which im dying are the best ive ever had

Things got better at my grandma's house. then they got worse again when we came home. i wanted to OD *so* badly but i didn't. rocky (the new puppy) drives everyone crazy, he pees on the floor at least 5 times a day. I'm hoping to go and see Black Christmas but it's only playing at Columbia's move theater. I'm so glad I don't have therapy today, I just could not get any more raw than I am. Must go, <3,





-molliebear

mom and brother are fighting. i shouldn't have asked to spend the night. everythign sucks. merry fucking christmas.




<3,


-molliebear

Just wanted to wish everyone a merry christmas and a happy new year. might write more later when im not waiting on the porch in the cold! lol <3,







-molliebear

P.S.- Dawn you're in my thoughts! (((hugs and smishies)))

christmas eve and it doesn't even feel like it. i miss dawn (how often do i say that?) i hope everything goes well for her tomorrow. sam still hasn't contacted me, i have to look for her info. Only two of us are here today, everyone else left for x-mas vacation. im tired but i slept all day so im not gonna be able to sleep. merry christmas everyone. <3,






-molliebear

tired more than ever. worked 10 hours today, woke up at 4am. ugh. i want to stay up and hang out but im half asleep. groggy and my typing skills are really lacking. my bursitis hurts especially now because the day was so damn long.yuck. im worried about Dawn, her SN is online but she's always away/idle. i wonder if she's IP? somethings gonna go down tonight...i feel it.time to go, maybe watch a little TV then go to bed. <3,








-molliebear

P.S.- the cutting every night doesnt help as much as it used to.

im so damn tired. i have to get up at 4:50 in the morning tomorrow. ugh. and work from 6-4pm. yucky. waiting for chinese food, that's the only reason i'm up, my bed is a better place to be. <3,








-molliebear

i feel like shit (yes, again). I feel yucky in my tummy and my ears hurt and my throat hurts. i feel really anxious (having panic attacks). my roomates are grating my last nerve. i hate this. i want to fucking live alone. i swear to god. off to cut <3,








-molliebear

hurt me

im so damn tired. i miss dawn. i miss katey. i feel generally melancholy. ive been cutting almost every day. i dont want to work tomorrow, it's a 39 hour work week. im worn out. emotionally, mentally, physically. my SI cuts hurt and bled a little through my pants at work, not noticeabily(SP?) enough though. i worry about being sent IP, though i dont need to worry- i haven't told my t or pdoc about the cutting or anything. i know lying to them doesn't help me get better but i dont want to disappoint them again. they think im doing so well. they just dont know im rotting inside. so many su thoughts. . it's a shitty place we live on planet earth. look right through me. <3,





-molliebear

life sucks and then you die..

i feel like shit. i want to cut more. i want to drown my sorrow, no tomorrow (donny darko reference there). feeling a little su, wish i could OD but i'll be okay. so stressed b/c i missed a meeting w/ case worker "J" and i just feel like im in trouble with my dad again. i get panicked like this when someone in 'authority' over me gives me a consequence. god knows what would happen if a cop pulled me over or something. i miss "D", i wish she was doing better because i wish she could come visit me but her health comes first and she deserves help. i just feel so damn lonely, i want to cry but the tears don't come out. i love my mom but she is 45 min. away and it's rough. i want to be with her, but know i cant. i would cut up my arms but i have kept them SI-free for over 6 months and i earned that t-shirt wearing privilege. this is just awful, it's horrid to feel this crappy. the seasons suck. i have all sorts of anxieties related to the holidays and parts are freaking. it doesn't help that i had to miss therapy today to see the pdoc. working 39 hours this week. only plus is that i make more $$ to pay back mom. ugh. i cannot fully express the complete misery i am feeling right now. i dont want to wake up tomorrow. im not really looking forward to anything. maybe i need to be IP, i dunno. everyone thinks im doing so well when inside im shattering like glass. i want to express the hurt on my body. , i think ill cut and go to sleep, that is if i can fall asleep. <3,



-molliebear

we are screaming in silence

feeling a little sick. shoulder still hurts. im feeling melancholy. i dunno why. i just feel sad. i miss talking to dawn and i wonder what sam's doing and whatnot. i wish she would check her e-mail. i just feel hopeless right now. im not doing much in life to really make any important impact. im a waste of space. now im crying. not a good cry, the holding inside-restricted cry. i miss having a father figure in my life. i know mine is not fit to fill that role, but i feel the abscence. i just feel su right now. i want to cut but i dont think that will even help right now. i want to be held, to be told it will be okay. no one did this as i was a child so i figure why would they now? my mom acknowledged my parts today. that was a good step forward. off to do who knows what to maybe feel human. <3,




-molliebear

not much to say. my bursitis is hurting me. it hurts to type a little. i miss dawn. im glad she did an update tho :) work is okay, although im glad i have tomorrow off. im feeling really tired tonight. i feel anxious because jess is working tonight. i dunno why.off i go.






<3,


-molliebear

i miss Dawn!!! <3,







-molliebear

i have bursitis in my left shoulder. i got a sling from immediate care. it still hurts!!!damn kohl,lol. they're breakin' me. im typing with one hand now so i wont say much. work was okay, im super panicky about the apartment being clean enough. i lost 20 $ at work :/ got a 200$ check though! im excited for next week b/c i work 39 hours (lotsa $$!!). time to go, my hand is tired. LYG Dawn !! <3,





-Molliebear

T called out today. Wasn't surpised b/c I didn't see her car parked out front. I already posted today and i dunno what i said so this is it. i miss dawn, i dunno how long to stay up for her :) <3,





-molliebear

Work has been hectic. I can't wait for the holiday season to be over!! I'm so tired right now (as usual). I have my IRP today and Im getting Starbucks :) Not much to say, I'm in an okay mood for now. Well, I should be reading and not playing on the computer since I'm at the library ;) <3,







-molliebear
P.S.- Frederick is set that he is not coming out in therapy today.

I heard from my Dawn and so I feel better :) I have to mail out my secret santa gift sometime so it gets there b4 christmas. Child parts are close right now b/c we were putting stickers on cards. We're going to the mall now so maybe I can find a gift for my mom there. bye bye <3,






-molliebear

sooooooo tired. get to sleep in tomorrow!!! Majorly worried about Dawn!! Gotta go before "J" comes back and sits near my computer and reads every word!
Dawn- LYG!!!!!!!!!! <3,





-molliebear

spoiler whatever, past issues

falling apart. there is no one to pick up the pieces.probably cut tonight, definitely purge. need the badness to go away. there is a dark cloud covering my eyes cant see all i smell is his cologne. i want to throw up. i choke. we're just finishing elementry school,, you'll be a doctor he says. put his hand there while we're having lunch, under the table nobody notices but us. i move away, going to the bathroom we say. stare at myself in the mirror hating it. it wont end for another 3 years but i do not know that then. even after it is over it is not over. it replays in the head over and over, familiar faces, fragments of a memory, incomplete. there had to be more than one of us to survive. wish we were dead sometimes. maybe one of us can survive if mollie cant? dont know how that will work.





X-Samantha

Mollie + Sarah: i feel really triggered right now. i really really want to cut. ive been having flashbacky moments and getting confused about what year/time it is. i keep trying to tell myself im safe but it's not working. i want to purge all the evil out of me, until there is nothing left but stomach acid. i hate myself. i wish i could cut on my face but then people would kno.
Frederick : ITS TOO RISKY TO TALK IN "THERAPY". FUCK THIS.

i want to put my life on pause.

Too tired to type much. Went to the grocery store today. I have money !! I got my new migraine med, Relpax, and it works okay but I get nauseated and it's made me a bit sleepy. I don't mind the sleepiness, but the dizziness was yuck. I still have yet to talk to Dawn, and I'm scared we're gonna end up like Sam and I have where we haven't spoken to each other in months. I have a new part that's surfaced, it doesn't have a name (or gender as of yet) and I just call it "Disgust" because it's a racist, hateful, bitterly cruel part. It likes to cuss (although it hasn't come out around others, just when im alone and writing in my paper journal) and hope bad things upon other people, i consider it a nonhelpful part but my t doesn't want me to judge it/her/him before i even know why it exists or anything about it really. I feel like it's getting kinda cramped up here in my head with all these damn parts with voices and concerns and wants and crap. Well, i typed more than i intended to. Rose came out in therapy today, she tried to pull a quick one on the t but she (after a few minutes) announced who it was (although our t *knew* we had switched). Off to bed, I must work tomorrow :P <3,



-molliebear and all
Dawn- LYG!
Sam- miss u mucho!!

if you would get to know me...

so tired. work was rough today, they kinda playfully made fun of my change-getting skills from last week(I tried to get 25$ in TENS,lol) Math was never my strong point,lol. I feel worn out physically and partially mental-wise. I really *really* miss Dawn :( Parts are unsettled and don't want to go to therapy tomorrow. I feel like a nobody. I feel ordinary and plain. well, less than ordinary of course. Well, im off to try to sleep. <3,






-molliebear
P.S.- I LYG Dawn!!!!!! I miss Sam! I feel like she's abandoned meeeeeeeeee

I'm broken but don't fix me

HUNGRYYYYYYYYYYYYY, agh, waiting for my mom to get up here. i need to buy my secret santa stuff and work on my holiday cards. i hate having community room duty on sundays! UGH. my head is hurting. the Relpax is still freaking prior authoriztion and it's very annoying because if this med can help i want it now!! Off I go, <3,






-molliebear

why is stability scary?

I guess I'm in what some people would call a stable state. It feels wrong, and is uncomfortable. I'm so used to being scared and needing help and getting attention for it that now that i don't get the attention i dont feel right, i feel like im not being taken seriously because im not IP and cutting so much (they don't think i am at all). Work is getting to be tiresome and less and less rewarding. I end up just feeling tired all the time. The holidays are bumming me out, I miss my aunt and for some reason (maybe it's hormones) i feel like i should be married and having kids by now (even tho' im only 20). I feel like I dont have much time left on this planet. I don't know why i feel like this. it isn't really a suicidal kind of thought- but sometimes i wish i was with my aunt, wherever spirits go and whatnot. i miss my mommy and child parts are scared for god knows what reason. well, im going to try to soothe some of us (me) down. As always, Dawn- I LYG!! <3,




-molliebear et all