life sucks and then you die..

i feel like shit. i want to cut more. i want to drown my sorrow, no tomorrow (donny darko reference there). feeling a little su, wish i could OD but i'll be okay. so stressed b/c i missed a meeting w/ case worker "J" and i just feel like im in trouble with my dad again. i get panicked like this when someone in 'authority' over me gives me a consequence. god knows what would happen if a cop pulled me over or something. i miss "D", i wish she was doing better because i wish she could come visit me but her health comes first and she deserves help. i just feel so damn lonely, i want to cry but the tears don't come out. i love my mom but she is 45 min. away and it's rough. i want to be with her, but know i cant. i would cut up my arms but i have kept them SI-free for over 6 months and i earned that t-shirt wearing privilege. this is just awful, it's horrid to feel this crappy. the seasons suck. i have all sorts of anxieties related to the holidays and parts are freaking. it doesn't help that i had to miss therapy today to see the pdoc. working 39 hours this week. only plus is that i make more $$ to pay back mom. ugh. i cannot fully express the complete misery i am feeling right now. i dont want to wake up tomorrow. im not really looking forward to anything. maybe i need to be IP, i dunno. everyone thinks im doing so well when inside im shattering like glass. i want to express the hurt on my body. , i think ill cut and go to sleep, that is if i can fall asleep. <3,



-molliebear