today was okay. i dressed up as Amy Lee from Evanescence but the trick-or-treaters came on Saturday cuz apparenlty Frederick is a "dangerous" area and they needed chaperones for all the damn kids. We still got a few kids. I miss being a kid. I don't feel 20. It's like it's finally sinking in, im twenty.damn. <3,





-molliebear

They say time heals everything..

They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

i went out w/ my mom to party city to get more stuff for my halloween costume (imma be Amy Lee from Evanescence). We went out to dinner too. It was nice. I've been having all these fears about my mom or grandma dying. It scares me. Im afraid to sleep because im scared they'll die while im asleep. I keep wanting to call my mom and tell her i love her over and over again just so she knows for sure, for real sure. I saw a grandma at Kohls today in a wheelchair on oxygen and i just thought "one day my grandma is gonna be like that" and it broke my heart and i wanted to cry but i was working so i stuffed it of course. I'm urging to cut right now, the whole mortality deal is freaking me out. I wish i had more friends to talk to, i feel so lonely. It's hard to make friends at work when you have a curfew, chores, and no car :P It makes me wanna scream. I am so tired of living here. I just wanna go somewhere else. I'm worried im falling closer to the whole IP thing. I hope not. I feel like crap. Parts are having seperation anxiety w/ practically everyone! At work I had 3 panic attacks and almost got sick at the register because i was so freaked out. What if my mommy dies? What if my grandma dies? What will I do? I can't talk to my dad. What would happen? I'm so scared. I hate my life so much sometimes. But then, I feel like a selfish spoiled little bitch because people in other countries don't have food or water or shelter and i have all of those and I'm still sad. I feel greedy too. I don't deserve help. I really don't. I'm such a bad person. ugh. i need sleep. im so scared to but i need to get up in the morning. goodnight. <3,




- a very greedy,selfish, undeserving molliebear

scared to sleep. i hate this. i dont want to stay up all night restless. i want to feel comfy and safe. im just so tired though. could be parts freaked out, who knows. i have the hicccups too :/ ugh. btw- Saw 3 sucked. Don't go see it. well, im off to try and sleep. <3,






-molliebear

things are eh tonight. the safe food for now is Special K fruit and yogurt cereal. i've had like, 5 bowls, i guess that's considered a binge. so im "off the wagon" again as Brian from family guy would say (refering to Oprah,haha). I miss dawn! I hope everything gets okay w/ her. J is annoying me (what else is new?). I feel lonely even tho im surrounded by people. i have off of work tomorrow (my last free Thursday for now! i put in a new schedule where imma work thursdays again). they always want me to stay late when i can't, and when i want extra hours they aren't available. They've been running over in payroll seriously. i dunno what they're gonna do w/ the holidays and stuff. I haven't heard anything about my possible promotion and I figure that April got it or they decided not to pick either of us. I'll get my six month bronze name badge in November :) That'll be cool. If it wasn't so late i'd get my ass on the treadmill but I've been up since 6:30 so imma tired. might go to bed soon. i <3 dawn's guts!!! <3,




-molliebear

P.S.

P.S.- my ring finger and pinky have feeling in them again :) i have no idea why. <3,






-molliebear

I worked it on the treadmill today, i upped the MPH. I had energy to release. My t finally got me to have my parts communicate with her somewhat, they're freaked out and don't wanna talk to her, they want our old t who was so much better. She wants proof of our communication and we dunno if she deserves it or not. We don't want her to read out journal/blog because we talk about her here and this is our safe place to let feelings out w/o being sent IP or critisized. Anyways, we go to the grocery store today and i have 42$ to spend and only 140$ in my bank account (how did I spend 1,000 in a month???) maybe i am borderline? who knows. off,
<3,





-molliebear

fucking ED shit!!!!!AHHHHHHH. This is how much i freaking ate: an ENTIRE pumpkin pie (8 inch),3 crystal lights, one soda, 2 cups of milk, a can of chunky soup, grapes, a cup of applesauce and one bottle of water. IN 2 hours! agh. i felt like i couldn't stop (as i usually do, but tonight i felt like i'd die if i didn't eat all the food). Luckily I haven't purged because my teeth are practically rotting from all this ED shit and phobia of brushing teeth (i just can't do it!). I can handle listerine but that's it. I'm happy just because I've lost 4 pounds so far doing my treadmill stuff. I need to do it longer. So far i've been doing it 3x a week for 30 minutes. I'm trying to up it to an hour cuz i need to lose this weight. it's driving me nuts. I've also lost my drivers license :/ it's on a bus somewhere and i have to call and try to find it tomorrow. My stomach hurts from being so damn full, i hate it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Doodle takes dad's scissors to her skin
And when she does relief comes setting in
While she hides the scars she's making underneath her pretty clothes
She sings:Hey baby can you bleed like me?
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?



<3,
-molliebear

Sooo tired. I don't want to go to sleep yet but i must, stupid work!! freakin' 8am tomorrow on a Saturday. sleepy time. I miss having friends to talk to :( <3,







-molliebear

medical mess

So I did the head CT w/ contrast. They called me at around 2pm today and told me there was a shadow or something in my sinuses and that I need to get an MRI, well, the place that does that procedure had their machine broken. I had to go to the ER. My left ring finger is still numb (and now my pinky is) but they did an MRI w/ contrast too, and it came back fine. I was so worried before they told me the MRI was fine, I thought I might have cancer or an illness that needed surgery or that I was sick somehow. I waited for the results alone, like an adult. Now I'm having pain in the numb fingers at the start of them near the knuckle. Blah. The contrast for the MRI today has made me feel sick, I feel like I'm gonna puke and I want to sleep for a long time but I still did my 30 min. on the treadmill (all be it, with breaks). The contrast they gave for the MRI made me feel like i couldn't breathe and I was half freaking out in the machine b/c i didn't have my inhaler near by. it went okay though. the next step i guess is to see a neurologist. There has to be a reason why my ring and pinky finger and numb for the most part but have pain at the top. I took off the ring on the finger and my mom suggested i take off my bracelets- but why would the bracelets spontaneously pinch a nerve? ugh. i feel like crap. i have the anxietry about bedtime again, i dunno why. i wish i could have some hugs. <3,




-molliebear

i have this weird numbness in my left ring finger. I dunno what's wrong but it won't go away. I have my head CT scan tonight, I'm afraid- pretty much more afraid they'll find nothing and they'll think im a hypochondriac. I like my temp. doc pretty well, but she's located in Westminister and I dunno if I could trek up there when i need to. everyone in my house (my staff) are puking. It's triggering urges for me even tho' I know they all just have stomach bugs or whatever. I feel so lonely. I feel like I have no friends. I saw Deborah today, she had cut her hair in a cute style. I feel like crap. I did my exercise for the day and whatnot, and it didn't really make me feel too much better. I want to be in general housing, our big inspection is tomorrow- everything is clean it's just a matter of keeping it all clean until tomorrow. i feel like SI-ing. My numb finger is really bothering me. oh well, im off, <3,




-molliebear

things are a bit better. if not for only a short while. off. <3,







-molliebear

i wish i had the guts to press down harder.
contemplating suicide.or how.

went to the doctor's again. have to get a CT scan for my migraines and if nothing shows up i have to see a neurologist. blah. i feel alone, im afraid i freaked out my best friend. i seem to be fucking up everything. the only good thing i did today was get on the treadmill. off. <3,






-molliebear

i think i just freaked out one of my best friends :( i fuck up everything. why am i so damn clingy? i need to get a life. or realize that mine is unimportant. i feel fat, ugly, and stupid. im tempted to get on the treadmill until i cant walk anymore, but it's loud and i have roomates. what's wrong with me? geez. i feel invisible sometimes. i know i dont matter but sometimes i wonder if anyone truely can physically see me here. goodbye. <3,






-molliebear

Your Sketchiness Factor

You are 24% Sketchy

How Sketchy Are You?

heartburn to the max. stupid ED shit. it hurts. :( starting a diet kinda thing. I <3 my treadmill :D i hate meat tonight. sweet jesus. i hate this. somebody let me off the ride im done.

P.S.- SI injuries suck when they itch during the healing process!

work has been crazy. i used the treadmill for the first time yesterday! it was an awesome feeling. i decided (due to ED shit and whatnot) to only use it 3 days a week (when i don't work) and to only do a half hour at a time for now. the eating aspect of the ED is doing better, food texture not so bothersome. of course, when one problem gets better another gets worse, been having body memories like hell. keep grounding myself, it's 2006, im in evil TAY and i have roomates. my dad is in delaware and he can't get me. been triggered like hell lately, not really sure why, i dont think it's the time of year and there aren't any real anniversaries- maybe my b-day just finally hit me. i dunno, lots of fathers and daughters coming in to work, freaks me out. i've been missing the normal, healthy aspects of my dad- hell, i miss having a dad. it's like he's completely out of the picture- hell, he has been since i was 17 and stopped talking to him all together. i wish i had a normal daddy that didnt hurt us. better go before the child parts come out and get freaked out by the body memories. i miss dawn, i like talking to her, it soothes me. <3,



-molliebear

bought a 400$ treadmill. things are looking up in that department. i miss dawn. getting tired, i always seem to be tired nowadays. work at 8am tomorrow.uck. i feel like lowly crap. goodnight, <3,







-molliebear

i am here to destroy you. you know my name.

i got on the scale. stupid idea. i cried. there needs to be change.

i hate everything about me

ugh. serious ED troubles. i hate it. why cant i eat and be thin at the same time?? trying so hard not to purge. yuck yuck. i dropped my only college class. im such a loser. i want to cut. parts still have little SU plans that i (and teen/adult) [parts] have to fight. i feel awful because I couldn't meet up with Shauna while she was in MD, i feel like such a crappy friend. I dunno what to do with myself. i work tomorrow. which means hearing "when are you due?" or "when's your little one coming?" all day. i want a button that says "I'm not pregnant, Thanks!". blah blah blah. i hate everything about me. i have a "crush" on two guys and one girl. I have no chance with *any* of them so what's the freaking point? if i hate myself how can i expect others to love me or even like me?? who'd want to love a fat slob anyhow? must restrict, the treadmill at wal-mart was on sale for 250$, i want it. *frown* i think my mom wouldn't think it was a wise investment. I dunno if I could even assemble it anyhow. blah blah blah. feeling like shit sucks. <3,



-molliebear

"J" is driving me NUTS!!!

i feel like shit. i am worthless. no one would really care if i was gone. so many SU thoughts and my parts are making out little plans. im okay though i guess. im having trouble eating as usual and i had a bad day from an ED point of view. I got this new thing called flexies and it holds some of your stomach in so you dont look so fat. well, i was all confident, thinking i looked cute in my new pants and pretty shirt and "skinnier" look, until 4 people asked me if i was pregnant and 2 our of the 4 did not believe i wasn't pregnant. i just feel like shit. there's this guy, "A" at work who is cute and is nice to me, probably because he feels bad for me and he has no one else to talk to at the register. I want to cry, i want to cut, i want to die. correction-i want this pain to stop. ALL of it. NOW. i am such a failure. i am a liar, a bitch, a worthless human being. it's pretty pitiful but right now, the only reason im staying here is for the release of a CD. a freaking CD is keeping me alive. yeah. i want to cut out all the ugly fat that people always notice. why can't they ever compliment me? or just NOT insult me maybe???i want to fucking give up. <3,




-molliebear

fight to the death

im having terrible ED problems lately- my esophogus HATES me. I'm *SO* stressed about school. I'm having issues with food texture, AGH! I haven't gotten the chance to talk to Dawn. I got a birthday package from my aunt and uncle, it was nice. blah, not much to say, having lots of SU and SI thoughts, im starting to really feel helpless. i dunno what to do. i wish i could have a hug and let someone else figure this mess out. <3,






- a very pessimistic,hopeless,helpless molliebear