the sun is gone.

so I've been listening to All Apologies and becoming more and more depressed. the song fits anyhow. i've been in a bitchy mood lately and i want to punish myself for it. i have been a bad girl. must punish. cant let her get away with that. wont put up with that shit from you bitch.

lately ive been wondering if i have a perp. part. i don't know if im confusing the words in my head with an actual personality. lately it feels like i'm left trying to prove something about myself. i dont know what. that im not ill? that i do have personalities besides myself? that I can work just as hard and long as other people my age? and recently that I'm not pregnant. It hurts when you get asked about things like that considering what happened to me at 13. it's fucked up and it scares parts inside and they don't like remembering all of that. so here i am sitting online on a friday night. what a surprise. i don't really have friends. it makes me sad. and the friends i do have live hundreds of miles away from me. sometimes i wonder if im really here or if im just here to be a pain in the ass and for people to dump their baggage on. i might get my paycheck tomorrow. i have to let way station take their freaking half. i don't mind so much as that I might not be able to get any money to somehow make a christmas for my mom and brothers. I know, I know, people say it isn't about giving presents but to kids (haha,im not a "kid") that's what they remember. I feel triggered but i don't know by what. i miss my dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss- she's in the hospital still. the d i have here is being obnoxious and gross. it irritates me so much. she's totally cheating on her boyfriend because she's horny. it doesn't occur to her that talking about sex and dick size and hairy balls makes me feel triggered and it's just plain gross!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Agh. What a ditz. Must listen to nirvana and drown out her disgusting babble. It's unintelligible. Sometimes when I listen to Nirvana I want to su. It just makes me feel comfortable enough to take that step. Sam has been gone for so long that I worry if she's gone missing or is IP somewhere. I miss her dearly!! Sam if you're reading this call me!!! If you can't remember my phone number I'll send it to you or something. I'm so glad I don't have to work until next Tuesday. I go from working a 40 hour work week to a 24 hour work week this upcoming week. I have no plans for New Years. I will be sitting here at TAY while everyone but me drinks champagne with their friends or family. I get to see my mom on new years day, which is good, but I still haven't gotten a chance to celebrate christmas with my grandmother. since it was the first christmas without my aunt it was just extra harder for her to deal so she spent christmas with my uncle and aunt and cousins instead of alone in her house. i love my grandmother so much and im always scared she's going to die. i don't think i could handle a death in my family right now. i'd be IP as fast as you could snap your fingers. i feel the impulse to SI so badly. I somehow got unsubbed from bus and have no where to vent but here, for the whole world to see (guess im not too bright for posting it anyways, huh?). I need support somehow. I'm living life by the second. I'm negotiating living with myself. if i just wait a minute i can listen to a favorite song. if i just wait longer i'll be able to watch tv. if i just wait another day i'll get my paycheck- not that money makes anybody happy-. it felt good to exercise today at the Y. From now on I have therapy or work during that time and it sucks. I forget how relieving that can be for me. It works almost as good as SI. Definitely NOT the same though. I have a box cutter from work... but I can't do it- it would just make work that much worse and I'd have to resort to wearing long sleeves all the time (I have scars, so i pretty much wear long sleeves all the time anyhow). Plus i wouldn't know what to do if my boss or a customer asked me about it. Well, I think I've sufficiently rambled for the night. I'll post again if I feel like it later.<3,


Mollie

So tired. And I didn't even work today. Sam hasn't called and D is inpatient. I'm in an irritable sort of mood- the usual farting and poop jokes just aren't funny... oh wait- they never were. This is where I live. I'm still appreciative of my living situation despite immaturity but it just gets annoying after a while. It's nice to have a moment of quiet or a small intellectual piece of conversation. I have to work tomorrow and Friday, but supposedly I get paid on friday. Yay. I scrounged(sp?) my money together to buy a transit pass for 10 trips. Now I have no $ for lunch but whatever. My hand is still puffy and bruised from getting caught in between the cart and some stupid christmas tote- the guy who did it did it by accident but he acted like he didn't care. I wonder if he's nice to me (besides the hurt hand) because he thinks im pregnant. I need to make a shirt "I'm not pregnant I'm just FAT" or something to that affect. Must go to bed so as to get up at 6:45. I <3 Dawn and Sam!!!I <3 Katey Fantone!lol...


~*Mollie*~

being a working woman...haha.

Being a working woman is hard. Haha, I called myself a woman. I've worked 8 days without paycheck. It feels like I'm doing charity work almost. I don't mind it necessarily but I'm running out of bus $$. My legs feel old like I have freaking arthritis or something. I never realized how tiring standing all day can be. I did marching band, and I don't remember it hurting this bad. There are some loud african american people next to me on the computer. I wonder if they realize this is a library?... apparently not. Today I fucked up at work big time- this woman had a total of 219.00 and gave me 119 and I was in a hurry to help other guests so I just trusted that this woman gave me the right money- and she didn't. Of course, I didn't realize this until after she was long gone but apparently she got a good deal off a newbie. I *still* haven't heard from Dawn or Sam and I think they are plotting an evil plan to kill me. Ok, so not really, but I miss them and wonder if they're actually still interested in being my friend- this is how I get paranoid. It sucks to have to get up at 6:45 every morning. It's nice that I have Christmas off but I probably won't be spending it with my family seeing as how the settlement is on the 23rd and there isn't really $$ for Christmas. It doesn't quite bother me, by now I just figure I'll buy myself my own X-mas presents with my work money(from what Way Station doesn't take) . They keep telling me that if I don't do this and that I won't get my SSI- well, why the FUCK would I want that so bad? It's not like I get anything from it- I get 20$ a month from it- yes, money is money but I feel like sticking it to the man! haha. there is no man. I have Billy Idol stuck in my head for christ's sake. Sam or Dawn, if you read this you must contact me!!!!!! I <3 you both and miss you mucho. Sam is MIA- I haven't talked to her since I was IP, which is over a month now. Well, I must go, time to read some. <3,


-Mollie

SWEET JESUS!

J is being immature. I hate fighting over petty shit. It irritates me. Oh well. I have to work tomorrow- 8-4:30. I'd rather work 9-5:30 but it doesn't work that way. I'm always half awake for the first hour or so. It's only 7:30 and I want to go to bed. I dunno why I'm so tired, i did absolutely nothing today, woke up at 3:30. I miss Dawn and Sam. Neither have contacted me and I'm starting to feel that they're angry at me or hate me or something. :( Must go, more later.

J is totally pissing me off. It started over some stupid shit and now it's getting more irritating. I've been awake too long. I should go to sleep but I'm watching Mad TV. I'm sick of the drama in this house, the tattle-telling, the snide remarks, the threatening. It's enough to make anyone want to move out. It's not just J either, D does it too- and I find it hard to not agree with her because I trust her more. I need to stay out of it though and focus on myself. I'm so tired of this crap. Enough is enough. Dawn and Sam still haven't talked to me. :(

I didn't get to sell back my books today because the damn college closed at 12:30 and the transit driver didn't bother to tell me before I payed the fare. It was a waste of my time and transit card. Hopefully tomorrow I can get it done with Melissa. I asked off of work early (1pm). I start at 8am though :/ I can't work 40 hours a week or I might lose my benefits. It sucks that they encourage us to work and then the government takes away our benefits if we do well(work full time). It's not like Way station( gov't program) doesn't get enough of it for christ's sake. And they take $ out for taxes. It's crazy. I haven't heard from Dawn or Sam recently. It sucks
:( they're my best friends! I feel lonely. Oh, and by the way: other people's sex lives aren't everyone's business....(mine wasn't invaded though :) other people's was) Might write more later, <3,


Mollie

what have i done....?

i just agreed to a 40 hour work week... what have i done??? it's too much but I need the $$. I'll only make 145$ next week after way station takes half. I dunno how much they'll take out for taxes. i feel exhausted-- and i didn't even work today. Then tomorrow I have to see my teachers about the incompletes. <3,




-Mollie

so I ache in places i didn't know existed. I've only worked 18 hours in the past 3 days, but i feel every minute of that time. I have off for two days, so hopefully i can get some sleep and rest for my body. So tired. And Dawn isn't on :( she's never on anymore. SWEET JESUS! and sam, i haven't heard from sam since i was in the hospital. I <3 Dawn and Sam!




<3,

(a very exhausted) Molliebear

Hello Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss (and sam if she's reading) I would've stayed up later but I had to work today at 8am! YIKES. I worked until 4:00 instead of 4:30 cuz i got my days confused. It was kinda fun working(the early part sucked cuz I had to read 745873847328 pages of boring crap out of this binder while i was nodding off and had double vision i was so tired- AND it was in a room that was freezing cold and the break room was next door so they had the TV on, eep! THEN, when I finished that B.S. they made me read about the cash register- who reads about a cash register? I learn things by seeing other people do it or explain it to me- so reading about the damn cash register was pretty pointless and i skimmed through it and briefly remember reading about "K" keys and wondering why they were yellow. I felt like a mucho mucho idiot because I fucked everything up for the first hour on the register...well hell, the entire day. I had to ask the cashiers next to me to help and watched a guy with white drool on his lips press buttons on the register. He was a bit lower in terms of intelligence I think, not to be mean or anything, but damn, he was good at that register. I think work is a good thing for me because it gets me the hell outta the club(way station's day program). My only days off this week are Wed. and Thurs. and on Wed. I have an appt with DSS for my SSI. That's bull. I don't care if i get SSI or not because way station takes all but 20$ of it. I don't need that 20$ that bad. I make more even with way station taking half of my checks. It's not that I want to send a big "fuck you" to way station- I just don't like the bothersome crap that I have to do to get the SSI. I don't want to try and name every time i've been in the hospital in the past 5 years- i don't want to search for bank statements from months ago. Regardless I'll go to the damn meeting to appease them. Right now all I want to do is sleep and read and talk to dawn and sam. I sent out some christmas cards for the mailing list im on. Well, I must go, bbl.
<3,

Mollie

So I have a job at Target. I have to be at work at 8am tomorrow, i don't know how i'll do it- everything is getting out of control. we want to SI so badly. Other people are being dumbasses and aren't doing their chores. >:\ AGHHHH, the maturity is so low... off to do other things,



<3,
Molliebear

Parts journal.

we miss aunt. shes gone. we see her no more and it maks us sad. She wasverry prety.


-Sarah

_________________________
Olivia:
I'm tired of this babysitting shit. I'm sick of the littles. They should go away or grow up.


__________________
Frederick: WHEN THE HELL DO I GET TIME OUT? THE GOD DAMN KIDS ARE ANNOYING THE HELL OUT OF ME. TELL THEM TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.



Mollie: Parts are getting upset so i figure i give them a little time out to express themselves and let others know. Sarah is feeling really upset about our aunt being "gone"(dead), she is partially confused because she waits for her to come back-. Off to bed...

D is making sounds like she's dying and J is bitching about her bathroom. SWEET JESUS! I need some anger management classes- or that book at CVS called "How to Deal with Annoying People". It seems everyday i write about being pissed in my blog- recurring theme. Mostly it's directed at people who are only mildly annoying but because of stuffing the anger everytime i feel it i explode over stupid shit. I'm excited about going to work.hehe. okay, we're going to the store...post more later maybe.

I'm actually not pissed for once. I'm kind of in a weird mood-a bunch of people have come up into my apartment to shit in my bathroom. It reeks of shit and ... tada! Mint Febreeze. Which means it smells like minty shit. Haha, my maturity has fallen through the floor. I'm excited about Target orientation on thursday. I got my khaki's and red shirts all ready. LOL- I'm all excited to work. I've been in a mood where I like to listen to country music. It's weird and totally not like me. Fucking hiatal hernia sucks though! No matter what I eat it hurts, heartburn and just pressure on my chest. I got the EKG-hospital experience while i was inpatient so i know it's not my heart. The only way to fix a hiatal hernia is to get surgery. So, seeing as im not getting any surgery I have to deal with this crap on my own. The heartburn has been better as I take Prevacid in the AM and 2 Zantac a day. Apparently they work differently (so says my doctor) in the stomach. I've had other symptoms I don't wish to discuss here in my journal ;) I'm getting that PMS-y type crap but i still have like, 4 pills of b/c before im officially on my period. I'm sure everyone needs to know this information. I know my sista's can feel my pain!! hehe. Yeah, that's right, I said "sista's". It's pretty boring around here on tuesday nights. I didn't get to go to the Y because of damn therapy. We searched for new therapists. I think she knew I wouldn't stand for not being called back for FIVE DAYS when I was about to go IP. I've been listening to "The Little Girl" by John Michael Montgomery and it just makes me sad. It reminds me of my crap-ass childhood. I want to soothe my child parts because they are sad after hearing it, but yet, we can't stop listening to it. We don't like the religion part of this song. My therapist asked me if I was a different part in therapy today, just like almost every time i go in. Bless her heart, she has no clue. I've never let a part come out in front of her. They don't trust her. We've only seen her since September. We don't "bond" with her, though she is a nice person. We feel bad seeing her because we know what we feel inside but we can't let her see how it really is. we're afraid of hurting her feelings. We are forever the protectors of everyone else. I feel so raw and hurt and i don't know what. We went from being completely numb of emotion to being flooded. Which in turn makes us want to SI/purge...etc. The tension between my roomates is not making it any better. Their bickering makes me want to bang my head against a blunt object multiple times. I am trying *so* hard not to cut but i dont see why I should let it get bottled up until i explode and get suicidal. I still have thoughts and images, but i don't feel like i have to do them. I really want to mark myself up and punish for eating too much and for being a bad person and for every single fucking mistake i make every second of the day. For breathing when I don't deserve to be alive. For taking up space and money and energy and time. For every thing I fuck up. For every person I hurt. For every mistake i make. I'm getting more and more angry and I don't always even know why. I think I'm mad at J, because she's being a bitch and mean, but I think there's some transference. I think she reminds me of my brother when he was mean and violent. Either that, or she is somehow reminding me of my dad/childhood. I want to scream "GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT YOU POSER BITCH", but instead I will ignore her and float away and stuff my feelings of anger and resentment. I will save them for later when I feel the need to punish myself. I can't SI on my arms though, because they'll see that at Target, and I'm sure they'd be less then thrilled to know i do this. OMG, i think i'm going to have to leave and go to my room because I'm just getting so irritated and pissed. I don't even know why I'm mad or what I'm mad at.Aghhhhhh. I can't wait to work. To get away from my peers for 8 hours a day. Okay, I'm done my bitch fest for now...maybe. Enough bitching about my peers at least. I wanted to go to the Y and just cycle or walk out all my anger that has no other place to go. All that anger can only be kept in for so long. I'm afraid I'll just break tonight and do it and not give a fuck about it either. I wish Dawn or Sam were on so I'd have someone to talk to about it besides a journal. Maybe if I could get some of this anger out I'd do better. Okay, I totally need to do *something* to deal with this shit. It's nothing to be this angry over. Seriously. Maybe it's just PMS? I have no idea. AGHHHHHH fuckkkkkk. I am just a bitch outta hell today. Sweet JESUS!!! I want B to be at "the club"(that's what they call the day program and I hate ittttttt) tomorrow. He's one of the few people that make going to the club worth it. And then there's the people that make it fucking painful. Dear god make this madness stop.Okay, bye bye

pissed off... AGAIN

J is driving me crazy. I need time alone. I need to get away or isolate in my room. She's denying that it's her turn to do the damn dishes. Yet D and I do her dishes for her so that we do! I AM SICK OF HER SHIT!!!!!!!! Agh, make this shit stop. Maybe I'll be able to get away from her when I work at Target. D is totally cool with me and doesn't piss me off in the least. I just get so aggravated with the crap when it's day after day and people deny to do what they should be doing in this program. Whatever, karma catches up eventually.

J is driving me nuts. She's pounding on the wall with her fist. This is like being in the hospital when someone kirks out. It reminds me of my freaking childhood too which sucks. I get that fight or flight feeling and my heart starts beating a million time a minute. I'm tired of this bullshit of giving people 2,3,even 4 chances and still let them live here. It's fucked up. Some people aren't going to change- or mature for that matter. Oh well. It stopped and no ambulance or cops had to be called. I am thankful. Dawn isn't IMing me and isn't on right now- she's out of where she had been staying. I miss her! :( Come back Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss! I want to binge and purge or SI. i need to eat a small snack instead of bingeing though.

You piss me off, you fucking jerk, get on my nerves

We put the christmas tree up here at TAY. There was a really beautiful angel that was 9$ that I wanted for the top of the tree but they said no- so it kinda busted my spirit. I feel crappy physically(If I don't eat I feel like puking, if i do eat i feel like puking). I feel like cutting and purging though I've done so much damage to my esophogus that i don't think it could handle anymore purging. they said i probably have a hiatal hernia and that's why i feel the chest pain and heartburn and nausea. The only way to fix it is surgically so obviously I'm not going to do that. They don't even know for sure. I'm living off Phenergan, Jello and Rolaids. I've also had really bad migraines but they could be rebound b/c I've taken Fioricet almost everytime my head remotely hurt. My good friend D is out of the hospital but she's not online. I'm dying to talk to her and see how she's doing. I'm really sick and tired of the drama that goes on here. I can understand why M.N. stays in her/his room all the time and works. I got a job at Target- J and D were told that they'd get a phone call (which means they didn't get the job most likely). They had a lot of personality type questions on the application. I feel good about having a job and getting money(even if way station takes half :/) J is driving me CRAZY with the damn DVD player, she's listening to CDs and every 30 seconds she changes the song. ADHD to the extreme! I'm playing the David Allen Coe song that says "You pissed me off, you fucking jerk, you get on my nerves" and she doesn't get it that I'm playing this song because of her. Somebody SHOOT ME!!!!!!!!!! AGHHh. all I feel like is sleeping and staying in my bed forever. that and cutting/purging. Mostly dealing with purging impulses. i miss my samula and Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss. I feel so fucking sick. I've taken so much meds today. I hope working at target works out... I'm scared I'm going to flunk out of school. I can't get in touch with my math professor to ask for the incomplete, it's pissing me off.
<3,
Molliebear