I'm actually not pissed for once. I'm kind of in a weird mood-a bunch of people have come up into my apartment to shit in my bathroom. It reeks of shit and ... tada! Mint Febreeze. Which means it smells like minty shit. Haha, my maturity has fallen through the floor. I'm excited about Target orientation on thursday. I got my khaki's and red shirts all ready. LOL- I'm all excited to work. I've been in a mood where I like to listen to country music. It's weird and totally not like me. Fucking hiatal hernia sucks though! No matter what I eat it hurts, heartburn and just pressure on my chest. I got the EKG-hospital experience while i was inpatient so i know it's not my heart. The only way to fix a hiatal hernia is to get surgery. So, seeing as im not getting any surgery I have to deal with this crap on my own. The heartburn has been better as I take Prevacid in the AM and 2 Zantac a day. Apparently they work differently (so says my doctor) in the stomach. I've had other symptoms I don't wish to discuss here in my journal ;) I'm getting that PMS-y type crap but i still have like, 4 pills of b/c before im officially on my period. I'm sure everyone needs to know this information. I know my sista's can feel my pain!! hehe. Yeah, that's right, I said "sista's". It's pretty boring around here on tuesday nights. I didn't get to go to the Y because of damn therapy. We searched for new therapists. I think she knew I wouldn't stand for not being called back for FIVE DAYS when I was about to go IP. I've been listening to "The Little Girl" by John Michael Montgomery and it just makes me sad. It reminds me of my crap-ass childhood. I want to soothe my child parts because they are sad after hearing it, but yet, we can't stop listening to it. We don't like the religion part of this song. My therapist asked me if I was a different part in therapy today, just like almost every time i go in. Bless her heart, she has no clue. I've never let a part come out in front of her. They don't trust her. We've only seen her since September. We don't "bond" with her, though she is a nice person. We feel bad seeing her because we know what we feel inside but we can't let her see how it really is. we're afraid of hurting her feelings. We are forever the protectors of everyone else. I feel so raw and hurt and i don't know what. We went from being completely numb of emotion to being flooded. Which in turn makes us want to SI/purge...etc. The tension between my roomates is not making it any better. Their bickering makes me want to bang my head against a blunt object multiple times. I am trying *so* hard not to cut but i dont see why I should let it get bottled up until i explode and get suicidal. I still have thoughts and images, but i don't feel like i have to do them. I really want to mark myself up and punish for eating too much and for being a bad person and for every single fucking mistake i make every second of the day. For breathing when I don't deserve to be alive. For taking up space and money and energy and time. For every thing I fuck up. For every person I hurt. For every mistake i make. I'm getting more and more angry and I don't always even know why. I think I'm mad at J, because she's being a bitch and mean, but I think there's some transference. I think she reminds me of my brother when he was mean and violent. Either that, or she is somehow reminding me of my dad/childhood. I want to scream "GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT YOU POSER BITCH", but instead I will ignore her and float away and stuff my feelings of anger and resentment. I will save them for later when I feel the need to punish myself. I can't SI on my arms though, because they'll see that at Target, and I'm sure they'd be less then thrilled to know i do this. OMG, i think i'm going to have to leave and go to my room because I'm just getting so irritated and pissed. I don't even know why I'm mad or what I'm mad at.Aghhhhhh. I can't wait to work. To get away from my peers for 8 hours a day. Okay, I'm done my bitch fest for now...maybe. Enough bitching about my peers at least. I wanted to go to the Y and just cycle or walk out all my anger that has no other place to go. All that anger can only be kept in for so long. I'm afraid I'll just break tonight and do it and not give a fuck about it either. I wish Dawn or Sam were on so I'd have someone to talk to about it besides a journal. Maybe if I could get some of this anger out I'd do better. Okay, I totally need to do *something* to deal with this shit. It's nothing to be this angry over. Seriously. Maybe it's just PMS? I have no idea. AGHHHHHH fuckkkkkk. I am just a bitch outta hell today. Sweet JESUS!!! I want B to be at "the club"(that's what they call the day program and I hate ittttttt) tomorrow. He's one of the few people that make going to the club worth it. And then there's the people that make it fucking painful. Dear god make this madness stop.Okay, bye bye