It's been a long day. I'm soooooo tired. I worked 12-6 and then came home and started moving my stuff into the new apartment. My new room is SO small!! The only plus side is that I have a bigger closet. My body is totally exhausted. They didn't put those pads on the floor near the registers (they re-opened the misses side with the new registers that are touch screen- I prefer the old registers though). I've been having impulses to cut on my arms lately though. My pdoc upped my klonopin and it seems to be working out better. We're watching American Idol, which is nice to do as a group. I'm ready to move on from my group home but there are some aspects i will miss. They aren't talking graduation anytime soon. One of my roomates moved out today, I will miss her so much!! Well, im not panicking about moving, which is good- for now at least- i'll probably freak tomorrow. well, that is about it for now. Thanks for letting me vent a bit. <3



-molliebear

ramble

Don't really know how I'm feeling right now. I'm sad because "AC" is moving out and I'm really going to miss her :'( We're switching apartments soon and i dread the idea of it. I'm tired to moving about. I feel kinda stuck right now. I'm working a lot of the time, which i dont always mind. It's good to feel needed there at least. I think i might be losing weight, im not sure. "AH"'s mom was nice to me the other night and held me while i cried. i feel almost envious of her mom because she's so sweet. i guess that's how "J" feels towards my mom. I don't know if I'm going to be able to move my treadmill, it's only right next door but yeah. I dunno if i need to change my address again because i'll be at 234 instead of 236. I'm feeling hungry, I want the hunger pangs to go away. I still need to go to the dentist and i need to go soon. The dentist was supposed to call me or Andrea to see if i was covered for the dental work. I don't really have much else to say. My mom and my grandma might be going on a trip to NC over "spring break". I get to see my grandma today, which is good, i haven't seen her since christmas I think. I want to get my hair cut, it's getting thick and tangled up. Well, I'm off, we leave the library soon. <3,


-molliebear

my throat hurts. i didnt purge this time. im so damn tired. i hope im not getting sick. bleh. ugh, i miss "AC" already and she hasn't even left :( I feel like I have no friends. im so lonely even if im around people. maybe if i call my mom i'll feel better, i dunno. life can be crappy sometimes. <3,









-molliebear

worried about dawn, haven't talked to her in forever. work tomorrow. see my pdoc on tuesday, hopefully i can get something for my pretty constant panic attacks. pizza is here- "AC" is moving out and we're throwing her a party. I will miss her :'( more later-






-molliebear

im having a shitty night. no one knew where my mom was for like, 5 hours and i was freaking out. i let it all go and just bawled at the stupid family night at way station. "AH"'s mom comforted me and held me. I want my mom to do that but she doesn't. We always have to pretend everything's okay and it's just too hard to fake that. I feel like a pain in the ass to my staff. i hurt today. there was someone who talked about reconnecting with their dad and it just bothered me. i want a hug, but i dont want it from my mom right now. im angry that she scared me like that. she didn't make it to family night at all. i know it was a stupid thing but she missed it and it hurts me. i wish i had friends. i dont. i really dont. i feel so damn lonely. i want to cut tonight, i want to see muscle. i feel like crap. i want somewhere to escape. i want out of TAY so much but want to stay at the same time. i feel like such a baby for crying like this and being upset. i feel weak and helpless. I feel angry at my mom because this is a constant pattern and it won't be the end of it now. <3,




-molliebear

inspections today! they are at 1pm. I've been having extreme panic attacks on and off all day and practically 2 weeks now. i see my pdoc on tues. i hate the anxiety, it sucks. It's nice and quiet in the computer lab though, so im calming down. i feel like my best friend doesn't exist because she's so busy :( I don't take offense, she deserves a life besides me and my troubles and whatnot. might update later after the inspection crap. <3,





-molliebear

tired from doing nothing. the dentist didn't pan out b/c i'm missing an insurance card and they need it and i dont have it, it's gone. sooooooo i have to talk to my resource manager tomorrow about getting a new card :/ blahhhhhhhh. nothing much happened. the big inspections are tomorrow, im nervous but i think i've cleaned enough. ugh, having a panic attack :( i hate ittttttttttt. going to try and use distraction... i miss dawn. :'( come back my dawn! <3,








-molliebear

super anxious about the dentist today. been having a lot of panic attacks lately. i hate it. it makes every moment almost unbearable. i feel like death. trying all my coping skills and whatnot but they aren't helping. time to go, im not supposed to even be on this website at the club. - Dawn: LYG miss u mucho!







-molliebear

im so damn tired. i feel so sick. my nose is stuffy and yucky. i go to the dentist tomorrow :P i got my PRN for it tho. some ativan for meh. i have to get bloodwork tomorrow and i dun wanna. blah. jenn is blabbing at me and im not paying attention. im too tired to care about it. she wants to smoke cigarettes, haha. she doesn't smoke for real, she doesn't inhale. anyways, off. <3,






-molliebear

today kinda sucked. it was very "eh". i miss dawn so much right now :'( i kno she's busy and has a stressful life right now but my child parts miss her dearly. we have an appointment w/ the crappy t tomorrow. dont wanna go. then wednesday is the big inspection and i also see the dentist then as well! agh, im worried about that. im scared they'll tell me i need dentures or something like that. I don't think medical assistance covers more than cleanings and preventative care. im not even sure if this lady will take the insurance i have. i sure as hell hope so, my teeth are freaking rotting away over here. we were going to go to the library and i was so excited b/c i haven't been in forever due to work but they were freaking CLOSED for freaking president's day, what a load of shit. it's like they make up these holidays as excuses to close down. hopefully they will be open tomorrow and i can go with the day program. im tired and i only worked for 5 1/2 hours. no work tues or wed. though so i guess i can't complain. i need the money this week though so i guess i shouldn't bitch too much. time to go shower and whatnot, <3,




-molliebear

we hurt and no one cares. im tired of this bullshit. i want to leave here so badly. i think i'd even rather stay with our dad, our fucking ABUSER, than live here. i wish i could live w/ my mom or roomates. work tomorrow and i forget the times. im just mad as hell. fuck this life and all it's bullshit.



-Rose

was on restriction for a day and couldn't use the computer. i busted ass cleaning my room but i somehow feel jess won't think it's good enough. i hate inspections and the bullshit leading up to 'em. i want to see my mom, i haven't seen her in over two weeks. i miss talking to Dawn, she (and Samula) are my best friends. Dawn I'm wearing the best friend's necklace!! :) I have no good food to eat here. blah. i wish i had a car. i can't wait till' the money goes through and i can get one. yay for that. not much has been happening with me, i worked a 12 hour shift the other day, doing 9's for most of the rest of the week. well, im going to check e-mail and all that jazz. <3,



-molliebear

worked 12 hours today. sleepyness! teeth still hurt tho'. staff are worried about me supposedly because ive been working so many hours. i think they are really worried that my room isn't clean enough. whatever, it's my time to sleep now. <3,







-molliebear

my roomates are driving me crazy. fighting and what not. i want to live alone for a while. i want dawn to come back and talk to me so i can bitch about them. a certain roomate is on a bitchfest about everything. it hurts. im tired of this fighting. parts are pissed about it and some are scared from it. i want to isolate in my room but my said roomate wants to use my computer. Off. <3,




-(a very mentally tired) molliebear

But days go by
And I feel my four walls are crumbling
Cause I'm ugly inside

happy freaking valentines day

i hate this "holiday". Sure I'm bitter because im single, but what is the real point of having this holiday if people have birthdays and christmas and graduation gifts and wedding gifts..etc. anyways? Transit is all sorts of messed up today, so I couldn't go to work. We have to shovel the ice away, and i dun wanna. i had a flashback last night and had to look at my pictures and hold my stuffed bear that is supposed to go to my grandma or mom, im not sure. i have a gift for a friend if she's ever around :) I worry about her when I don't get a check in for a long time. I'm off to hide <3,





-molliebear

im feeling like shit (still). my therapies went poorly. im having a lot of PTSD symptoms. i dont have any ativan PRN left cuz i didnt fill it. i want to cry but the tears dont come. i want the razor instead. it's so hard. i made it the whole hospital stay with no self injury (this may have been the first time i did that). i feel like porcelain and im going to fall to the floor and break into a million tiny pieces. i just want the pain to stop. i dont know what to do besides cut. i miss my friends. <3,





-molliebear

the club let out early. kinda bummed because i wanted to go to the library (it's a group at the club). i wish i could take a nap but jess would yell at me. i want to get the new Dry book by Augusten burroughs and it's on hold but i can't get it b/c i have no day passes until wed. im tired. my teeth are really bothering me. jess is in a crappy mood and im scared to ask for a PRN. i want the snow to stop. i dont wanna shovel :P i want to crawl up in my warm bed and sleep.i need to clean my room more and i dun wanna. yuck. the snow is depressing. i have two therapy appt's today- one interview and a possible termination. im scared. I'm scared to see a guy therapist (so are parts). blah. god damn me for having an ED. i fucked up my teeth royally and its all my fault. god im such a fuck up. off. im scared ill need dentures. :( off. <3



-molliebear

feel like shit, tired as shit. anxious about t appt tomorrow. i hate terminating, im scared. im really really scared to see her after i see him. i wish i had more hope than i do. time to sleep and not think. <3,






- (a very exhausted) molliebear

im so tired. ugh. i dont want to work tomorrow. im so lazy,lol. i miss dawn a lot. im having freaking serparation anxiety from it. i want to cut really badly. i hate this life right now. <3,





-molliebear

sleepy. teeth hurt. i twisted my right ankle playing DDR. not much to say, doin' the 9-5 thing. have an appointment to interview a new t, it's a dude so im kinda weirded out. it's not until next tues. tho, but i REALLY dont want to do a termination with Jennifer, ugh. it makes me sick to think about it. im totally stressing. child parts are freaked, im scared they'll come out here. ugh, tooth pain is agony! i can't see a dentist for two weeks. it SUCKS. well, im crashing out now, I miss Dawn and our talks and Sam for her optimism for my future, and "M" for making me laugh. bye bye. <3,






-molliebear & all

the world is ...... ugh.

my teeth are killing me, but it's my own damn fault. i feel like i have no friends again. "A" freaked out, I tried to help, I didn't kno what to do, but staff were being a-holes and ignoring shit when she could be unsafe (was mounting to that) and that pissed me off. i have a new system of asking for help w/ staff, i put a bracelet on the doorknob and then i dont have to directly ask for staff help. i dunno if it'll help, it's hard to talk to them. im half excited/half freaked because im gonna get a new t. i dont know how im going to terminate w/ my current one. im scared she'll get angry or hurt me. I've been peeling at my lips a lot, until they bleed. i haven't cut or burned since ive been out but i have binged & purged and im scared of what the dentist will say. im scared she will make mean comments about my eating d/o and trauma issues. i know it's gross not to brush your teeth but everytime i freaking try i go into flashback/get major body memories/gag and puke anyhow unintentionally (and this information does not make the ED better!). I tried rinsing w/ gentle mouthwash but now i cant even do that, the root of one of my teeth is exposed and it burn like hell and hurts when i do anything. so my only resort is flossing and rinsing with warm water. i kno im disgusting. im sorry. i feel wiped out. i took a two hour nap. i only worked 5 & 1/2 hours today and tomorrow I work 9-5. It's okay, it's soooooooo less busy. It gets lonely though- being the only cashier on one side. i wish i could take a book but that totally would not be allowed.I like work for now, it's a good distraction, I get to be "27" but not THE "27". I just help out. Tammy's been covering my shift. it was very nice of her to do that, she is so sweet. i love her lots cuz she makes work more fun and i hope she never changes jobs!! I'm feeling anger and I'm not really sure where it's coming from or where it is going. It's like pouring a cup of soda and accidently pouring too much because of the bubbles being deceiving. I whine an awful lot and i feel guilty about that. ugh, i hurt inside too (like, in my soul, not my internal organs). so much yucky pain. i miss mommy. ive been switching like hell, and it's been giving me a freaking migraine. i did well shopping today (only spent 30$)- im on a food and money budget for my monthly goal.i have 80$ to put in my bank account. now im crying because of the song "Concrete Angel" by Martina McBride. It's really hitting me hard. ive been numbing and lying and stuffing so much now im scared it's gonna overflow and ill freak out or have to feel this all at once. i want a normal daddy so bad. i want someone to walk me down the aisle, do daddy things. i want my future kids to have a grandfather (i never did). Well, I'm going to go now, im just too yuck and hurt to write anymore. <3,


-molliebear

i feel so out of it. dissociating in and out of time. i miss my mommy. daddy is in my head. i dont want to listen anymore and i cant make it go away. we wish we had friends to play with instead of jsut in the head. we want to cut big holes in the arms and legs. make it all red. red is oour color. night time people here are scary, they look like a man. we like the brenda lady.she played games with all of us. the dance game. no more words.

our ceiling is leaking. "J" is annoying me to hell ! It's pissing me off. I'm tired from not doing anything all day. dawn is still away :( I miss having friends. <3,






-molliebear

time does not heal.

I had a good first day back at work. I did price changes (i got to use an RF gun,yay!) and a little bit of register stuff. I even got a credit app. yay. it's hard to get my body to adjust to standing all day again. i dont have work tomorrow, but i do go back wed. for only 4 hours. I'm scared of seeing my t tomorrow, im "secretly" going to interview some other t's (even the guy :P) . I think maybe a guy would be a good change. i dunno. he might trigger child parts, who knows. i have a huge knot in my hair, ugh, im so damn lazy im not gonna mess with it tonight. i seriously feel like SI-ing and purging (i ordered pizza tonight and am drinking regular coke, not diet). i feel like crap again. maybe tomorrow will be better. who knows. i should at least try (not make any attempts on my life..as of right now. well, i have nothing else to say i dont guess. I miss Dawn so much but i understand the antisocial, isolating thingie. jus' wanna let her know that we(all of us) love her and will support her through anything. <3,



-molliebear

why is DID so inscrutable? my mom just can't get it. blah. off. <3,





-molliebear

just got done playing DDR for the first time. it was fun, i could lose weight doing that better than the treadmill,lol. I have a strange rash on my face :/ I've been taking Benadryll and it hasn't done shit. I feel kinda lonely because i know after i "graduate" from here i wont have fun times like this anymore. my tooth is hurting and I dunno where my Anbesol is. ugh. this is the biggest regret i have from my ED. It's sad because the GERD isn't even ranking up there. hopefully monday i can get something done. I'm not tired anymore since I was playing the game. Our new night staff is cool, she's the one that brought the DDR. okay, i put calamine lotion on my face, it feels better. i have no clue why this is happening, i didn't eat anything weird or use anything new. and it's only on my face. go figure. well, i think im going to sleep now, <3,




-molliebear

At least getting out of the house and being in the fresh air was good. I wanted to go to the mall but nobody else wants to so we can't. I'm still on restriction so I can't go by transit. I'm getting bored... the internet is only so interesting. I want to sleep but I can't. I wish I had the book called "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs, I read Running with Scissors. I want to see the movie. Well, Dawn has returned so I'm going to talk to her instead of writing here. <3,





-molliebear

I miss Dawn. I need to get in touch w/ my buddies! Thank god for e-mail (talking to new friends I made at SP). We're picking up trash today for the Saturday activity because we (not me, I was IP the whole month)apparently were not grateful enough of the paid activities. I feel this weird anxiety/tension thing where i feel on top of the world for a couple minutes up to a half hour and then i crash. its not bipolar. gotta go, need to check e-mail. Dawn come back!! <3,




-molliebear

Paid off most of my entitlements. I still owe 9 dollars. I see the pdoc today. I feel bad b/c my mom is sick and it's freaking snowing now. I want it to stop cuz it freaks out my mom. off. <3,





-molliebear

fuck dis'

im sick! I feel like SHIT!! yuck. parts inside are freaked out about the stupid appartment cleaning that needs to be done by the 22nd of Feb. I'm *SO* tired of cleaning for these damn people, it pisses me off. I just get home from the hospital and there's a huge list of shit to get done. UGH.makes me wish i had stayed longer. i want to cut really bad, and i can honestly say the hospital only helped about 40% of my impulses but i didn't want to be homeless so i faked safety. i am burning up, sweating like hell. yuck yuck yuck. And Dawn is away so I can't complain to her :P well, off i go. <3,






-molliebear