i feel like shit. i slept 5 hours today and i just want to go back to bed. i have school work to do. my ed is doing shitty (im having food texture issues along with the whole having things in my mouth deal), i want to cut, and i haven't talked to my best friend in at least a week (come back dawn!) i feel like im crashing, inching closer and closer to IP. I hate it. I just feel so hopeless right now. I dont feel like I have a future. J is out tonight, she might get kicked out of the program (I dunno if I'd mind at this point) and the new guy went back wherever he came from. i like the new guy. "A" has been having trouble all day and I'm just waiting for her to blow. i hate my life right now. i feel like i have nothing to look forward to. im just a fat, ugly slob. please end it someone. <3,




-molliebear

work was ok. they named me the Kohls superstar of the month :D YAY. I got 2-3 credits today and a e-mail. i wanna talk 2 Dawn!! <3,





-molliebear

i hate everything about this place

i fucking hate this place. i want OUT. NOW. fuck it. wanting to cut SOOOOOOO badly. this sucks.

i had an okay day. my project (the one I haven't started on yet) isn't due until next Tues.! YAY! I have to catch up in my reading though. I have to mow the damn lawn today :P might post more later, it looks like it's gonna rain. <3,






-molliebear

So it's my b-day. hurrah ,note the lack of enthusiasm.The only highlight was I got to talk to my grandma and I miss her bunches. I had a hard time with the abuse bullshit that was brought up, and halfway through the day i just missed my aunt so much i cried some at work when no one was looking. then i cried some on the bus. im behind in my schoolwork and i just wanna cut. cut and then go to sleep. so all in all it was a pretty crappy b-day but a very nice pre-birthday. well, must go, ambien kicking in. <3,





-molliebear

birthdayyyyyyyy

My b-day is tomorrow, YAY! It was a very nice little celebration we had at my mom's. My brother bought me a rose!he ACKNOWLEDGED MY B-DAY! lol, it was very surprising, i think he told me i have to buy him beer next year (even though he was drunk at the time). I work tomorrow from 1-8 and it's all good. I got some good ice cream cake but i had to leave it at my mom's b/c it was gonna melt b4 it got here. My dad gave me a large check (I didn't see him, my mom picked it up) and this book about the year 1986. He wrote all this sappy bullshit about how the day i was born was the happiest day of his life. no shit, he had someone young to fuck. Excuse me to put it that way, im in one of those moods where i look at my abuse in a non emotional, detached sort of way. My "symptoms" aren't really bothering me right now. Well, I'm off, i slept all weird when i was at my mom's so i need to get back into schedule. <3,




-molliebear (with Rose close behind)

School was okay. I didn't fall asleep :) I feel okay right now, I'm going to catch up on my reading over the weekend. I can't wait until Monday!! I want my car!! Leaving for now, <3,








-molliebear
P.S.- my boss at work called me molliebear and i haven't told anyone there about my nickname ;)

i worked freakin' 10 hours today, AGH. Very long. So tired. Miss talking to Dawn. Wanting to eat more even though I'm full. Going to sleep. LYG dawn! <3,







-molliebear

yet another craptastic day.

tired. slept through class today. not such a good thing. i am burnt out. i have work tomorrow but am kinda excited.my b-day is coming up so i should start getting cards soon which makes me feel a little bit less crappy right now. didn't go to the doc for the migraines/headaches whatever b/c Jess said she didn't think they could do anything and then they procceeded to tell me about other people who have worse migraines then me. so all in all it really sucked as apposed to sucking royally. and i haven't gotten to talk to dawn so im sad about that :( DAWN, you have to be "here" and not idle so i can talk to ya! <3,





-molliebear

pulsating

still have a migraine, if it doesn't go away by tomorrow im going to the doc. want to cut. stress!! i feel like i live at work. and when im not at work im at school. im 6 chapters behind in class. going to leave and try to catch up. I haven't gotten to talk to Dawn lately. <3,







-molliebear

so now i feel kinda sad and nostalgic, i ache inside for something I don't know what. human contact? human love? logic about the world? i dont know. im just skating on thin ice here with the way things are going. I'm 2 seconds away from cutting and just purging all the evil out of me. i dont know what to do, i feel like im dying inside. it hurts. cutting looks so good right now, so desirable and stress relieving. the blade against my skin. it's been 4-5 months since i've cut, why ruin it? - it will make me feel alive -i will know im alive - it will let the evil out of me -it feels good -i deserve it -im worthless so who cares anyway -it's the only thing that works (besides b/p). That's why. i need a good cry but the tears don't come. i guess it's the whole being numb thing. i dont know what to do. my birthday is coming up on the 18th and im not even excited. 20 years old. i feel old. im so anxious too...ugh. i feel sick inside. when will it all end? <3,




-molliebear (am i even here?)

uckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. i've had a migraine for like, 3 days. It's getting REALLY old. Nothing is helping it. I hate it. If it doesn't stop tomorrow I'm going to the doctor. ugh. i feel yuck. i wish dawn and i could meet on at the same time. im off, <3,







-molliebear

i fucked up again

okay, so I went to the somatic doc (she was awesome) and told her about the chest pain and whatnot, so they did an EKG and it was okay but they put me on a heart monitor for the next 24 hours. i was supposed to work 12-4:30 or so and it needs to come off tomorrow at 4. So i rescheduled work for 8-1 so all this could fit. Well, now that we're all the way home I realise I am supposed to have therapy tomorrow at 10 ,fuckkkkkkk. She's getting so sick of me calling out, I feel so bad but I can't reschedule work again. i feel like shit! i am a terrible patient. agh. i feel terrible. i wish dawn wasn't away :( well, im off to try and install the SIMs. <3,




-molliebear

happiness- status:temporary

I got my hair did,hehe. It looks "hot" according to my roomates/housemates. I like it. It has blond and red highlights and I got a trim. It's been a good day, I got a manicure and spa pedicure for 30 bucks. My mom paid for the hair (89$!) because my b-day is coming up. I can't get over what a great day it was. Everything seemed to go our way- lol - we played the lottery and did some scratch offs, my mom won 2$. I'm so happy I had a good day. <3,





-molliebear

Migraines suck

aghhhhhhhh. stabbing pains behind my eyes. fucking migraines SUCK.

10 things you might not know about me

1. I have had 5 abusers in my life.
2. I was "skinny" until I started taking Zyprexa and then I put on 50 pounds.
3. I had to be put on birth control because i would get suicidal every month during my period.
4. I've been hospitalized(psychiatric) over 11 times.
5. I'm allergic to turkey.
6. I still sleep with stuffed animals even though I'm going to be 20 in a couple weeks.
7. I pray to my aunt (who has passed) to keep me safe and watch out for me- though I am not really dedicated to any religion.
8. I have multiple personalities (Olivia,Samantha,Marina,Sarah,Frederick and counting..)
9. I cry when I get really angry
10. I've been self injuring since I was 6 and had eating disorder issues since I was 10.
Do your own (I added 4 extras) and post it on your blog or in my replies. (Thanks AirKitten :D )


-molliebear

i want to cut. i dont know why, i just do. i hate this urge. it sucks. i want to purge as well. dawn isn't on :( my support system, lol. im feeling irritable too, PMS maybe? well, im off to use "alternative coping mechanisms" than cutting or purging. <3,






-molliebear

late to work today. blah. busy day. get to sleep in tomorrow!!! gotta go, and i saw Olivia's posting- and snitches ARE bitches! haha. I <3 Dawn!! <3,






-molliebear

hey, it's olivia..

mollie is away. getting a consequence just shoved her over the edge. she/we want mommy. we're talking to dawn though and it's helping. fucking body memories and urges to SI/su. ugh. bad day. hopefully tomorrow will be better? i dunno, mollie keeps telling me "snitches are bitches" even tho' it's not ME that snitches on us!!! It's the damn child parts, i swear. anyways, im off. i dont really sign mollie's journal too much so i dunno how to end this.

~*Olivia*~