insomnia and body memories.. hoorah,NOT.

been having body memories for the past couple hours and i can't sleep. I want my mommy. I want to be held and cradled until the pain goes away. i wish i didn't have to go to therapy ever again. I hate it. I feel like nothing is helping and im a lost cause. why keep working on something so irreconcilable. i hate me. i hurt. i hope it ends. hopefully the benadryl will kick in? I'm really panicky and I don't like it. I want to cut so badly. what a mess i am. <3,




-molliebear

lullaby

still sleepy. must tell pdoc about this incredible feeling i need to go to bed. My t canceled on me today (yay!) because she was puking. I hope I don't catch whatever she's got. I have physical therapy today but this is my last week going 3x a week. I'm "stepping down" and I'm even walking without the aircast on. Not much to say, I miss talking to my Dawn and Sam. <3,




-molliebear
P.S.: All I'm looking forward to today is tanning :)

same crap different day

so tired. i took an hour nap here. I cant wait to go home. i want it to be friday :) not much to say. i went tanning yesterday :) <3,




-molliebear

i want to know why im so excessively tired in the morning. It's to the point I can sleep sitting upright in a chair and stuff. it wears off by afternoon. i dunno what's wrong with me. <3,




-(a very sleepy) molliebear

doctor

i feel like i have chronic fatigue. here goes the hypochondriac diagnosing herself!

Now I just have regular therapy tomorrow. I hate regular therapy. The physical therapist said if my swelling and tenderness continue that she'll ask for an x-ray or MRI. I got new shoes that support my ankle better so maybe that will help. I don't want to get an x-ray or MRI because I know nothing will show up. My left arm is hurting again for no reason. I'm not having a heart attack though because it is a dull ache ;) There are some gay(in my opinion) guys talking about working out across from me in the library, it's odd- they're breathing weird. Well, I gotta go, gotta get some real reading done. <3,


-molliebear

confession

so i told my mom about the cuts. she handled it pretty well, we bought some generic brand mederma. the only person left to tell is my pdoc and my staff, though i feel it is none of my staff's business. Physical therapy again today. library at some point. i need to relax and read. I <3 Dawn! <3,




-molliebear

discovery

my t found out about my SI. I was slightly embarrassed. Now I have to work up the guts to tell my pdoc and my mom. My anxiety is sky-high. I need a hug. <3,





-molliebear


P.S.- someone asked me if i was pregnant, and I said no, then they asked me if just had a baby.
someone give me some valium.

when it rains it pours

I've been having a lot of trouble with my ED crap. I need to lose weight. It isn't a want it's a NEED. I'm so sick and tired of being fat and for people thinking im pregnant. it hurts. it really does. my goal weight is 120. 80 pounds to lose. I dunno how I'll do it but I have to. I might settle for 130. I'm not sure yet. My physial therapist questioned me about my arm warmer (i was only wearing on on the cut side). She wanted to look at em' and I refused. I was so scared she'd tell someone and they'd take away my tools or send me IP. I lied to her and told her that my pdoc and t know about it, which they don't. Well, I'm off to cause more mischief, <3,



-molliebear

P.S. I luv dawn's guts!

Tuesday is a tired day too

Tuesday is a tired day too. I had to print out recipes of things i can cook. im really tired and want to take a nap. the eyelids are getting heavier. Not much else to say- I have regular therapy today and I dread it. im off, <3,




-molliebear

PT

I don't know why I get so sleepy on Mondays. I had physical therapy today and it hurt like hell. It's still swollen and it's been 2 or 3 weeks since I injured it. She (the PT) said I had a very bad sprain. I had to do the treadmill today and I *HATE* it, i have pretty crappy balance so it makes it hard to do. Needless to say im exhausted. I might not have to have PT for much longer if i keep doing all the exercises. I still hate doing it (obviously because it hurts) but do it anyway. I miss Dawn(and all parts)!! I miss my Samula!! <3,



-molliebear

everything is okay. no cops, no crisis was called, she calmed down and didn't hurt anyone. im still scared of her though, and she says she doesn't remember these episodes she has. i feel bad for her but im still scared. child parts are doing a little better. <3,




-molliebear

scary flashback to SP

my housemate just blew up and was throwing stuff and its scary.she broke the clock and glass cups and i want to cut and i dont know what to do to make it be less scary.i hate this. she's done it before and the last time she went to the hospital. katey is just letting her go off and do whatever. i want someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay.i want a mommy.
make it stop.

my turn

this is sarah. mollie went inside cuz she was to tired. she has been picking at scabs, our booboos will not heal. she lyes to the jenifer lady and the man that lives near grandma abot the cuting. i never get to come out usualy but today i am out for a while. hi to sam and dawn. byebye

reach out and touch faith... stuck in my head=AGH!

The interview went okay- I have to turn in two reference sheets and then I'll probably be hired. I'll most likely work during the day. I slept all day at the club- maybe i need a med change or something because this is ridiculous, i can't get into trouble because of this. I'm sort of down today, not sure why. I miss Dawn and my Samula (who I haven't talked to in 6 months!!) but I think i lost my poor Samula's phone number that I used to have memorized. I'm anxious about wearing a short sleeve shirt at the movie theater :/ my arm is still healing and the one large one still looks pretty raw and ugly. I was considering how to hide it, im not sure. im looking forward to easter because I get to see my grandma and we ordered good food. well, i gotta go, lunch is being served. <3,



-molliebear

I'm 99.9% parched. i could really go for a cola.

i feel a bit better now. i went to physical therapy and things went fine, i dont really hurt too much right now but im sure i will later. i told wal-mart i would not be working there and called to make an interview with the Regal movie theaters place. My interview is tomorrow at 5:30. The only thing I'm anxious about is getting there (i have to take transit) which I've never done before but Tomika said she'd help me so I feel better about that than i did earlier today. Doing the whole "eating out once a week" thing is tough- i didn't get my food money until today so i have been living off of PBJ's and cereal. we might go to the store tomorrow though, or wednesday. im a little nervous about my interview- i always feel nervous when I interview with a guy instead of a girl, and I'm aware that yes, I am going to be working with guys but im always scared they won't hire me because im ugly. girls dont usually care unless they're bi/gay. i can do it though, it'll be hard but i need to do it. wal-mart's schedule was insane (for me) because it was 8-5pm M-F and it was *FULL TIME* when i asked for *PART TIME* which means had i been hired (i was technically hired, i just had to do the drug screen) i would have lost my food stamp card, and possibly my medical assistance. When I worked my only 40 hour work week at Target they only gave me 11$ in food stamps for the whole month. I was also giving half my paycheck to Way Station as well, so I would've been screwed if i kept working like that. It's not fair, you're trying to get up on your feet and you get all your help taken away at once if you do too well or make too much money. Hopefully this movie thing will turn out okay and give me decent hours. one of my staff told me that working at the movies was fun because you got to see the movies after everyone got settled. i want to see Silent Hill (if only because I played the video game) and Benchwarmers because I love the guy from Napoleon Dynamite (even though his part was small in just like heaven) Well, I better go, I should be reading and being productive (though i guess this is productive in a way?). I have therapy tomorrow and I dread it. I have a feeling my therapist is going to not change her times seeing me just because she doesn't think im ready for a job. i'm hoping the movie place hours are like 12-8 or earlier and that i could see my t before i went to work. i don't know how i'd do physical therapy though- there's always a problem!! ACK. well, im off (for real!) <3,




-(a very confused)molliebear

flat

i didnt cut last night. that was pretty much my accomplishment for the day. have physical therapy today and i just want to sleep all the time and not go.

help me save me kill me end me

i dont know what to do. i want to cut. the old cuts are finally starting to heal and i want to screw it up again. i really want to OD and i could, but i wont do that to the staff here and my roomates. i wish i could just sleep for a really long time. i want to get off this earth. i want a break. i want to be held. i want to be empty and light and free of weight. i want to not be injured and to not hurt (emotionally,from SI or from my injured ankle). i have physical therapy tomorrow and im supposed to get my drug screening done too for wal-mart. i cant work there. i need IP right now. im starting to not care about anything. little things (like laundry) are making me so anxious i want to puke, although i want to puke because ive been eating too much as well. wrap me up. im tired of hurting, im tired of being in the way, im tired of anger and pain and numbness and feeling like im on autopilot all the time. i cant do this, someone help me im drowning. i need to get a job and transition and move out but im not ready yet. this is what they expect of me. help me please. ive been lying to myself and to my pdoc and t. i hurt so much right now. i want to go away. i think im going to sleep after i cut, <3,



-molliebear

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

pretty much the same as yesterday. my t is kinda irritated with me and it makes me uncomfortable. i dont have to see her until tuesday. she wont let me see her once a week. it SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. I can't balance all this crap! I can't do it, I need a clone. somebody let me off the ride. i want to give up

pain

so i found a place for physical therapy that takes my insurance. im just too busy- i have a job interview tomorrow at Wal-mart and I'm trying to do weight watchers meetings, and I have physical therapy 3 times a week and regular therapy twice a week- if i get the job i'd have to work 8-5, which SUCKS because I can't even fix my regular therapy. Maybe i'll switch t's to one that will let me go once a week instead of twice. im just overwhelmed. i also start school again this summer! How will I ever do it? My ankle and knee are hurting like a bitch from all this moving and "strengthening" crap I have to do. Right now my knee feels like it's burning and my ankle is tender and sore (although a normal color almost). My bus mail keeps bouncing and it's happening at a crappy time. well, not much else to say- A.H. is coming home from the hospital today sometime. im off,




<3,
-molliebear

medical assistance = CRAP.

So the orthopedist told me I need 3-6 weeks of physical therapy. They give me a list of about 10 places in Frederick where I could do that- every freaking one except for maybe one place does not take my medical assistance. The place that said they might take my insurance has no openings until next week and I need to be going 3 times a week. The avulsion fracture was from some previous injury that I missed somehow. Now my right knee has been acting up. It's really making me wonder. My mom wonders if I have genetic abnormalities because I have so many problems physically. When I was at K-mart the cashier asked if i was pregnant, I said "no" and tried to act very busy putting the things in the cart. So we get outside and my mom says (jokingly in a terrible way) "Next time you should say it's a tumor" so I wouldn't feel so bad. Then my staff told me to break into tears the next time someone asks. I don't have to see my crappy T tomorrow :) I instead get to see my psychiatrist who is a zillion miles away from here. I get to see my grandma maybe and i get to see my mom(she has to take me). Things are going to hell with my brother at home (the 17 year old)- he's drinking and smoking pot and probably having sex(unprotected most likely). Doesn't parenting sound lovely (my poor mom)?? Well, I have to go, I should be reading and not typing away here. <3,



-molliebear
P.S.- I saw "The Notebook"- it was good, I saw "Stay Alive"- it was pretty crappy. And I had an okay April 1st(my dad's birthday) b/c we stayed out from 1:30-8:30 keeping my mind off of things.