Friday, March 30, 2007

sleepy... didnt do much today. went to work, got one credit.. hurrah(note enthusiasim) will write more tomorrow. <3,










-molliebear

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

hey, cant type much, i feel kinda okay for now. just wait until i go to work :P it's nice to have a friend :) gotta go, write more when i get home (assuming it's not too late) <3,








-molliebear

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

having some issues with body memories. gave staff some papers my t gave me to help educate them. "T" and "B" (staff memebers) are going to come to one of my therapy sessions to be educated about my disorder. having issues with eating, and lied to my psychiatrist about that, minimized the self injury, trying to be positive for them. had an okay therapy session, was a bit manicky. im trying to eat less so i can lose more weight. i haven't technically lost weight, but my clothes are fitting looser. im worried about "A", she's a good friend of mine and i worry about her safety. We tend to stick together because we share some troubles. I'm feeling a little anxious. "D" is laughing hilariously at who the hell knows what. we're going to the grocery store lately. now "D" is crying because "J" made fun of her acne. poor thing. it was a very ignorant thing to say. boys have a tendency to do this- they fuck things up. great... now "E" is snapping the rubber band on her wrist making welts .... time to go

Sunday, March 25, 2007

things are okay. pretty boring sunday. still on day pass restriction until tomorrow so i can't hang out with my mom. i took a nap that was too long so it's gonna screw up my sleep tonight. i feel anxious and i dunno why. i miss dawn and samula. I talked to dawn briefly today, she's still super busy. i miss my friends. the lone ones that still are around. off...





-molliebear

Saturday, March 24, 2007

im feeling freaked out now, by the new girl. the whole trying to kill your parents thing kinda scares me. her mom is super nice and i love her but eh... im locking my door at night. I worry about "A" who shares the apartment with her...eek. I feel so weird tonight, I want to play DDR, because i know i need the physical exercise stuff but also because it's totally distracting. well, im gonna go, i think im gonna go to sleep... <3,









-molliebear
having a lot of tooth pain. feel like i have an infection or something. im so tired. got my little "surprize" at work for our team getting the most credits. It was good. i could go to sleep right now but i wont. i want to hang out and watch tv and stuff. i miss dawn, she hasn't been on in forever and i worry about her when i dont hear from her. i know she's super busy but i feel left out, like im not an important part of her life anymore. i feel the same way with sam. they all have important busy lives and i dont have shit. Rage was fucking yelling in my head ALL DAY LONG, the freaking Spanish people provoke him. He hates people that aren't white, and it embarrasses *me*. He is definitely offensive and annoying to deal with...off. <3,






-molliebear

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

my feelings are hurt because "D" doesn't want me to know anything about her illness. i feel left out. stupid mollie.








-molliebear
okay day. i kinda lost most of it. i dont really remember much. im going to dye my hair black on friday. i wish i could dye it blue or purple or something fun. blah. might write more later- <3,



-molliebear

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

at home now. just realizing i've been self injuring for 9 years. it doesn't seem that long.hmmm. ive been doing okay tonight, im nervous about april 1st (my dad's b-day) because it's a really bad anniversary. My t was semi-helpful today. Rage has been so damn close all day, little things he says are slipping out everywhere so i'll let him journal.

WARNING:
Well, let me just put a disclaimer up here, what Rage says is going to be mean,rude, offensive, whatever, but if it makes him feel better to journal here than i'll let him so he doesn't act out on the body or physically harm others. words are just words.





THE FUCKING THERAPIST DOESNT KNOW SHIT. IM NOT SOME FUCKING ABUSER PART.. WE HAVE ALL THESE FUCKING MINORITIES COMING INTO THE GOD DAMN COUNTRY AND THEY DONT EVEN BOTHER TO LEARN FUCKING ENGLISH. YOU'RE IN THE U.S. YOU FUCKING MORON, WE DONT SPEAK *SPANISH*. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I LEARN YOUR LANGUAGE WHEN IM NOT GOING TO YOUR COUNTRY??? LAZY SPICS, I SWEAR THEY ARE ONLY GOOD FOR MANUAL LABOR. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW A DECENT HISPANIC DOCTOR? OR A HISPANIC LAWYER??? YOU HAVENT. THATS THE FUCKING POINT. FUCK ALL OF THEM. FUCK THIS SYSTEM AND ALL THESE OTHER "PARTS" AS MOLLIE CALLS THEM. IM THE STRONGEST ONE, SO WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO BE KEPT INSIDE ALL THE TIME?? SO WHAT IF IM FUCKING OFFENSIVE, WHO GIVES A SHIT. IM JUST SAYING SHIT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS. FUCK MOLLIE, FUCK THE SYSTEM, FUCK THE PARTS.

Well, wasn't that nice. hopefully i can get some sleep now. <3,


-molliebear
P.S. - I HATE EMO KIDS!!! stop cutting yourself to be cool!it's a serious coping mechanism not a contest on who's more fucked up.

end rant.

firetruck

library was closed because of a damn gas leak. im trying to hide my journal page because we're not supposed to be on sites like this in here. im super bored here because the library is much more interesting. i want the leader to go away so we can type here in peace. Nothing much to say, I have therapy today at 2:30. well, i must go, i'll type more later tonight. I <3 Dawn!!!





-molliebear

Sunday, March 18, 2007

so sleepy. want to take a nap, might just. i didnt really do anything big today. im on restriction until the 16th for the being late thing that angie never told me about. what a bitch. ugh. nap time. <3






-molliebear
cleaned today. got a shower. my alcoholic (practically) brother got taken away by the cops last night but my mom doesn't know if he's in the hospital or in jail because he's 18 now. She wants to commit him so he'll take some medicine but i dunno if she can do that since he's "an adult". so i don't get to see her today, she's supposedly coming on tuesday. i feel kinda blah today. i dont want to feel yucky, but im kinda numb so im not anxious all the time. im excited about going to the dentist, i want these teeth to stop hurting. i miss dawn even though i know she's just really busy. i miss sam, sometimes i get these thoughts that no one really wants to be my friend. bleh. <3,




-molliebear

Saturday, March 17, 2007

and to add to the stress the "nice" night staff did some stupid inspections. i feel like i can never relax here. ugh. i hate this.


-molliebear
this show is disgusting!ugh. i have had a crappy night. stayed later at work, didn't get any credits, then i had two flashbacks in my room tonight. i feel like shit, i want to cut really bad. i had to hold back "Rage" because he was screaming ethnic insults and prejudice crap in my head. i hated it. it was so hard to control it all fucking day. ugh. i feel kinda bummed for some reason. im hungry, off to get food. <3,






-molliebear

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

sick and tired, tired and sick

my teeth hurt, my head hurts, my sinuses are enflamed, my ears ache. i feel miserable right now. i think i have a fever cuz my face is burning and my forehead is too. i wish i felt a little better. maybe tomorrow. i dunno. ugh. sorry i keep complaining, its hard to be positive when you feel like shit. <3





-molliebear

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

im mean tonight,lol. i called melinda a mr. potato head...haha....american idol is great. hehehe. ugh, and he's asking to use the damn computer again, FUCK OFF AND GET UR OWN DAMN COMPUTER- ah.. sorry.. Rage talking there.



-molliebear (et Rage)
at home now. we're going to the grocery store, doing a goal lunch, and i have therapy at 2:30. I dont want to go, it gives me switching headaches and it makes me tired. i have art to share this time. it's not recent, but i dunno if it would help any. im feeling a little less anxious because i got my 1pm dose of klonopin. i wish i didn't have to go to therapy but i know it helps me get better. off <3,








-molliebear
hey, haven't updated in a bit. Things are okay, still having panic attacks on and off, but hey, what can ya do. Work is okay i guess, I'm kinda getting out of the "I hate work" rut I was in. It was like, 2 weeks where i just really didn't want to go. I want to go now b/c i keep thinking of my paycheck. I'm totally broke and I owe WSI a whole dollar and some cents. I want to get DDR but I have no money of course, and I would need a PS2 and the game and the pads, blah blah blah. Maybe it'll be a gift or some sort. I have therapy today so hopefully that will help these anxious episodes. I e-mailed Dawn and I hope she finds the time to write back. I miss her a lot :( and I dunno where Sam is, I'm sure she's busy with school but I feel like im just a part of her "sick" era and she doesn't want to talk to me anymore now that she
's "well". I'll try to e-mail her and if she doesn't respond i dunno, i guess ill give up, i dunno. it's hard when you don't have that many friends beside people you met in the hospital (not dissing on those, they can be great friends!). I don't really have any friends at work, at least not the kind that would hang out with me after work or on my days off. well, i gotta go, gonna look for some books. <3,


-molliebear

Sunday, March 11, 2007

So "A" helped me clean up my room today. and me and my roomate cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. i want to see my mom today, but i have a feeling she's gonna bail out on me. staff think i rely on her too much to visit me on sundays. She just called and she's coming, YAY! I like going out to dinner and doing normal mother-daughter stuff. Anyways, things are going okay, im still having panic attack kinda things on and off. dunno what that's all about. I'm getting more and more panicked and scared around large crowds. it is starting to interfere with work. i hope things get better soon. <3,




-molliebear

Saturday, March 10, 2007

im so tired of people fighting. its messing me up. i want to cut so badly tonight.i might not be able to see my mom tomorrow because of my stupid room. I'm practically ready to go live with the boys at this point! Actually only two of my housemates are doing the whole cranky, bitchy, fight thing. i cant wait until a certain person moves out! i want to cry and hide in my room but i have no internet reception in there. And that person is now taking over the remote. ugh. i hate this place. i want out (death looks more and more appealing). <3,





-molliebear

Friday, March 09, 2007

my teeth are so sore. ugh. the pain is almost unbarable (sp?). i want to cry. agh. they are playing DDR though so maybe i will play that to take my mind off the pain? i hate this. i want to go to the dentist on the 21st. i dunno if i can hold out. i played a round of DDR, it helped distract from the pain. it's good exercise. not much else to say, i have to tackle my room tomorrow, so many bags full of stuff. i haven't talked to Dawn or Sam lately and i miss them. off. <3,



-molliebear

Thursday, March 08, 2007

so tired. stessing out. over everything. i want to cut and pull hair out and everything. ugh. i dont know what to do. writing is helping a little, but not much. i want a hug in real life. i want to sleep it all away. i want to feel better, i just don't know how. tomika is making me laugh. i need to laugh. i miss dawn. <3,




-molliebear

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

worn out places

blah blah. 8 hours with no lunch makes mollie an unhappy girl. we're already nervous about how we gave our t two journals to read. It's scary but will help us in therapy. im dead, my body aches and i crave sleep. i dont really need the sleep that is just a comfort issue. I miss my Dawn and her busyness, i miss Sam. <3




-molliebear et al

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

i feel sick, i have some nasal drainage. i hope i dont have some sort of infection from my tooth. i have a dentist appointment on the 21st. im really tired all the time and just feel worn down. well, i have therapy in a bit. <3,






-molliebear
so i have therapy today. it wouldn't be such a big deal but im sharing journals of what parts wrote in. i dunno if this is upsetting to them or anything like that, I hope it doesn't bother them because they haven't said anything yet. I'm starting to hate working where i work. Retail is crappy. I just don't know if I could find a job that would pay the same as where i am now. I absolutely *detest* the whole credit competition. It makes me sick and I hate it. I dunno what i'll do. I've been there for 10 months. I want to make it to a year but im scared of the yearly review. I'm missing my aunt right now for some reason :( I feel so bad because my friend (ex-friend?) has had a death in the family. He was a nice guy and I'm upset about it. I have to pay entitlements today which is okay, because i get to keep most of the money, and i think 82$ checks come out too. Well, I'm off, have to post to my other journal. <3,


-molliebear
P.S.- Oh where oh where is my dawnykins go, o where o where can she beeeeee..

Sunday, March 04, 2007

finally moved all my stuff out of the old apartment. should feel good about this but i dont. im just sad. i want to cut. i miss dawn and sam. i think im going to sleep.
<3,




-molliebear