ive fallen into a well and i cant get out.

so it turns out the person who su-ed was someone i knew. im feeling really sad about this and jealous at the same time. i miss dawn and sam and hugs and good things. i want sunshine. i want to feel a brief lapse in this excrutiating pain. just a moment of true happiness. i dont think happiness is really ever anything attainable as pertains to me. i want to go to the beach and just take a bunch of pills and lay on the shore and let the water wash my body away. don't get scared, im not going to do anything, im safe, these are just little dreams/fantasies I have. im not going to SI or su or anything though that option is looking better and better. i'll be okay, i just need to mourn this a bit. and eat a lot of crap. and then try to quietly puke it all out without anyone hearing. or maybe ill just go to sleep for the night. who knows, its a toss off. ill write more tomorrow, i have to work Fri and Sat, gotta put on that fake ass smile i wear that makes the money. <3,




-molliebear