Saturday, January 31, 2009


So I'm posting again. I'm super bored at my mom's house. She's broke so it eliminates a lot of options. I'm feeling lonely and everyone is offline on facebook. I feel like crap from earlier ED issues and I feel guilty too. I'm kinda upset that my therapist didn't call back (even though I know it's a saturday) because it's like, I just got out of the hospital, doesn't she want to know what they said and if I'm okay? I dunno. I feel lost and out of place. I hate this. I want to self injure so badly but I know I can't. My anxiety is rising. I dunno what to do. I have these intrusive images of suicide crap. fuck. i am not going into a psych. ward... not again.i cant. i have to live out here in this shitty world. :( ugh. damn it.

my ED is kicking my ass. I hate it. I feel so damn guilty. I wonder if this will always haunt me. No matter how much weight I lose it's never enough. :'(





-molliebear
So I'm here at my mom's... it's kinda uncomfortable. I feel weird and out of place here. I feel sick to my stomach because I'm anxious about this crappy situation I'm in with a friend. This friend sent me a cell phone that they paid for for me and I went over with my minutes twice. I didn't mean to do it and it makes me feel like a complete idiot because I can't even keep an eye on minutes or figure out how to spare use of the phone during the day. Now this friend is mad at me and thinks I lied to them when I'm just a fucking retard and didn't recognize a friend's number that I don't really ever call. I hate ruining friendships or damaging them. I know it sounds melodramatic but I feel like I should punish myself for being such an idiot. I know that if I did anything though it would just piss this friend off. I'm trying so hard to pull the pieces of my life together and I'm failing. I'm tired of failing at everything I try. It's exhausting. They still don't know why I'm passing out. They say it's psychological which is AKA for "it's all in your head". I dunno about that, a pulse of 164 is not normal for a person my age that wasn't being active at the time. I just hate this spot I've fallen into. I feel like I don't deserve anything good because things in my life have gone so crappy. I feel eternally doomed to this kind of miserable life. I hate being homeless. People have no idea how anxiety producing it is. Ugh, anyways.. i must go, I have to figure out how to shower without getting my bandage wet. :(

Friday, January 30, 2009

Just got out of Sinai Hospital

I just got out of Sinai hospital today after a 6 day stay. I was having repeated sycope (fainting) episodes. The day before I got admitted I fainted and fell down 15 stairs head-first. While I was at Sinai they gave me fluids for a while, then they did 8 million sets of bloodwork, chest x-ray, EKG, etc. etc. The big thing they did was put a loop recorder implant in which is a little device the size of your pinky finger that goes in a pocket under your skin and you have a device that you press a button and hold up to where the unit is inside you and it records your pulse and heart rhythms for a set amount of time. I'm supposed to do this whenever I feel faint or my pulse is high. I also had an almost anaphylactic reaction to the antibiotic they gave me before they put in the implant. I turned bright red, my body swelled, I had a fever, needed to be put on oxygen (my lips were swelling and my breathing was getting progressively worse), and got a red rash and hives all over my body (even behind my knees and under my arms :( yikes was that unpleasant). It was awful. I still have a rash and can't shower for three more days (I haven't showered in 6 because I was in the hospital) because of the dressing over where the monitor is. It's cool technology I guess but it hurts like hell. Anyways, must go. That is where I have been.
P.S.-I passed my ortho's with flying colors :) yay.


-molliebear

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Getting Nowhere

So I haven't written here in a while. a lot has gone on. I'm on my way to sheppard pratt again. I was just there in September and that makes me feel guilty about going back again. I'm sick, though I haven't had a "virus" or commmon sickness in a long time. I have a sore throat,ear aches,shakiness, and im sore in general. I was at Frederick Memorial Hospital from last wednesday (Dec. 31st) till Sunday (January 4th) because I kept passing out. I was orthostatic, when I stood up I went into Tachycardia (not good). So I got more fluids and was D/C'd. I was walking outside to wait on a bench for the cab and i passed out and whacked my head on the concrete. Somebody got nurses (one of them actually saw me fall) and they put me on a stretcher and took me to red zone (the highest level of care needed). My doctor from last admission was still there and he said they had to admit me b/c they couldn't let me go home and pass out. So then upstairs they tested for everything! They did EKG's, had a constant heart monitor on me, checked my blood sugar every two hours, did an EEG, did an echo of my heart, checked for infection, checked different levels in my blood (they stuck me 12 times for blood), had constant fluids on me for quite a while, MRI'd my head and neck, I had a head CT 3 times because I kept falling and hitting it on the floor... and they couldn't figure out why i was passing out. So they refer me to see my psychiatrist and regular doctor and discharge me. I pass out here at the crisis house... I see my regular doctor and he decides it's chronic dehydration (with a ? mark after the diagnosis he wrote on the paper). So now I'm on sodium chloride tabs (salt) and potassium supplements. For some reason my potassium gets low, who knows why. Anyways, I've been restricting lately, i eat dinner (by obligation here), but small portions and occasionally would purge but ive put that on hiatus for now because I dont want my passes (we have to put in passes to go out anywhere here) ruined from passing out. I self injured yesterday. Things are just going really slow for me, i just want to be there and be safe and get help because im tired of living this way. I can't seem to get the words out right here, and it's frustrating me. But I can't write anymore, my battery on my laptop is dying and there are no outlets around here. <3,

-molliebear