copied from e-mail. Re: my day.

so i spent 9am-4 in the ER. i've been sick (i wrote about this the other day) and my facilitator said after 3 days of vomiting and whatnot that i should go to the ER because it could have to do with my gallbladder operation i had a couple days ago. i came out fine, nothing was extra messed up. i had to drink this nasty stuff that was mixed in with apple juice (i had to drink 2 huge cups)that tasted horrid and i had to wait 2 hours for it to go through- so i go to sleep so i dont get sick from the nasty drink and i go to sleep, it was *good* sleep, i have no idea why, and my nurse comes in and gets close to me and asks me if i had my catscan done- i jumped 300 feet in the air and she said "oh, did I startle you?",lol, YES! so i go do the catscan and they made me sign the usual consent about not being pregnant and a paper about how iodine might cause a reaction, blah blah. it was pretty cool, the machine tells you out loud when to breathe and when to hold your breath,haha. everything was fine but somehow radiology sent my results to Nowhereland and i had to wait a half hour for that (you can't eat or drink until you get the results)- and im starving at this point and feel sick from not getting my morning meds. i did get some good reading done while i was waiting. Let me tell you that the fluid drip they had on me was ice cold, imagine ice corsing through your veins- i could not get warm (I had 4 blankets..) and i was miserable for a half hour for that. all in all it wasn't too bad, i was glad i brought my book. it did make me sad because i saw a man (late 50's maybe) and he was on a vent and in a coma, it was so crappy, his whole family was in the room with him, even little kids, it broke my heart. im not religious but i prayed for him for the sake of his family. it puts things into perspective. anyways, i left with a script for some non-narcotic pain killer and was told to continue the phenergen. on the plus side i am moved into my new apartment for good, but all my stuff is in trashbags and i have to unpack it. it's making me anxious. anyways, that was my day...


(((hugs))),(molliebear)
"She takes the pills to fall asleep,And dream that she's invisible,Tormented dreams she stays awake,Recalls when she was capable"

i feel sickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!! yuck. i want to sleep and whatnot but we're picking up trash at 4:30. im all nasal congestion-like and i've been having trouble with my stomach. Moving apartments doesn't help the sick feeling. i miss dawn and sam. i haven't talked to sam in forever, i worry about her- i miss her a lot. not much else is new. im almost fully moved into my new bedroom and apartment. just some random crap on my floor and a little in the closet. well, im off. <3,








-molliebear

so i threw up at work today. left early. feel like shit. knee hurts. moving sucks- i hate stress, writing short sentences. time for meds. zonked out. goodnight.











<3,
molliebear

so it's a blah kinda day already. i dont feel excitement over anything anymore. i don't get it. it's like my med's effectiveness just flew out the window lately. feel kinda depressed. i hate my job (they have already put up the christmas trees for christ's sake. it's ridiculous- it's SEPTEMBER stupid retail crap. i have nothing interesting to note. i have therapy and im worried about it (as i always am) i m not sure why... well, im off. <3,





-molliebear

feel crappy. i feel sad i want to cry i want hugs byebye

i posted this to my self injury support list:



hey, i'm feeling crappy today. my new roomate moved in, and she's cool and all but she was getting in the way of my cleaning. i always clean the apartment on sunday. i feel like im on crack because my eyes are burning. I totally just burst into tears and sobbed this morning- all because my staff were lecturing me on how staff has had to wake me up on sundays a couple times on sunday and how it's important to get my meds on time in the morning. blah blah blah. they tried to compliment me on getting up fine during the week and on saturday. it's like, DUH, i work all week and sunday is my crash day, do you not understand that?? apparently not. they wanted me to write an essay on the importance of getting meds on time but Alex changed it to what's keeping me from getting up, what's going on in my life,etc. so i did that. im scared of tracy lately. i dunno why. she reminds me of my abusers sometime but i can't tell them that cuz' you know they won't understand that either. im doing okay (from surgery), they had to keep me overnight b/c i didn't wake up to anesthesia within the normal times. im in pain a lot today because i did a lot of sweeping and mopping and picking up stuff which aggravates the incision under my bra line (about an inch or two under). it's the biggest one. the other one that hurts is the one on my belly button. im feeling kinda depressed. i dunno why. i want to take a nap but im scared to b/c of staff. i want out of this house *so* badly, so so badly. im tired of being treated like a child. im tired of consequences and all that bull. i feel pissed because two of my peers told staff that some chocolate twizzlers were mine-( they were left in the group room overnight which is not allowed) and they weren't mine. it hurt my feelings (it doesn't seem to take much to do that lately). I feel really alone, i want to cry, my child parts are all out of sorts, my adult/adolescent parts are feeling either pissed or depressed. things just kinda suck right now. i work tomorrow, and im worried it's going to be too much (11-6). too late to change it now. im having a panic attack and i can't take meds b/c staff will bitch. they are always up my ass about how many PRNs i take and all that jazz. i so want to say "you aren't my doctor, stop acting like it!". they say it's for my best interest but i think it's bull sometimes. not much else to say, besides feeling like shit and all that. i dyed my hair a red color, it turned out nicely. I still want to dye it blue but i can't cuz im still chained to Kohls. Oh yes, BTW, my computer is chock full of viruses. yay for that . well, im off,


(((big hugs))),(molliebear)
"She takes the pills to fall asleep,And dream that she's invisible,Tormented dreams she stays awake,Recalls when she was capable"

day from hell so far. surgery pain. i woke up to a migraine.. we have to walk around the fair, it sucks. only because im in pain. otherwise i wouldn't mind. i can't get on the rides either. crappyness. i wish the pain would go away so i could appreciate my saturday. i go back to work on monday and im worried about that. off, <3,









-molliebear

pain

lalala. boring day at the day program. i want to sleep but it's only 8pm. i have a headache and i have pain at my incision places. it sucks. im taking percocet for it but it still bothers me. well, time to go lay down. <3,









-molliebear

so i made it through surgery. it was hard at first, they had trouble waking me up from the anesthia so they kept me overnight. it hurts to stand up and sit down along with coughing or anything involving my ab muscles. it sucks. they have me on percocet (well, the generic) and an anti-biotic. i feel really sleepy right now but we're leaving for the YMCA soon and i really dun wanna go :( they will probably make me walk the track. they wont give me a damn break. it pisses ME off that they are so minimizing of my pain and my procedure. GRrrrrrrrr. anyways, im off. <3,

so my surgery is tomorrow. im a little nervous about it. my staff are worried they won't operate because of my allergies making me cough yuckyness. I hope they do cuz this pain got old a LONG LONG time ago. im ready for the sucker to come out! i feel lonely right now and i dunno why. something feels off, wrong for some reason. well, i dont have anything else to say to update, i might have to move apartments AGAIN! i hope not. i dunno if i'll have to and i dunno if "H" is going to move in or not. <3,





-molliebear

happy 21st. minus gallbladder hopefully

i dunno if i posted saying the gallbladder is coming out...tomorrow is going to be fun i hope. im visiting with my grandma and my mom to celebrate my b-day and whatnot. I hope it goes well. I'm bored for now, i want to sleep but i can't b/c i have to be productive or something. anyways, I miss dawn tremenedously(sp?)and i would call her but my parts are having issues w/ talking on the phone to anyone except my mom (dunno what the hell that's about). i want her to know i miss her guts and hope she can get online and we can talk. <3,








-molliebear

i feel like shit. i feel so intensely sad and i dont know why. i want to be invisible. im borderline suicidal right now. i feel alone. i feel like i have no friends. i feel like im not important. i feel like i have no purpose being here on earth. im not even 21 yet and i want it all to end. ive spent my whole life trying to forget all the fucked up stuff my abusers did and they're winning tonight. there was a reason they picked me to hurt. i have no friends. nobody cares about me. im not sure anyone would notice if i died. they would probably feel a sense of relief, a reprieve. i want this pain to stop. i dont know how to make myself feel better. i hate myself.

i love my mom and grandma! i appreciate what little family i have. they want to take me to Best Buy and let me pick out a digital camera and then we can go out to eat. YAY. im still bored for right now though :) we went to the picnic, it was all christian stuff but it didn't really bother me too much i guess. we're going to another one around 6 tonight. well, i have nothing else interesting to say. <3,










-molliebear who is in a much better mood now

P.S.- 9 days until my surgery, 10 until my birthday.

So it's a normal saturday. I have to wake up at 10:30 on the weekends now :/ it sucks. im totally bored, all my friends are either sleeping or at work. I feel like self injuring and im not sure why. Nothing stressful is happening. Just listening to music and waiting for 1pm when we're going to do the sat. activity (i think that's when we're doing it). I don't want to deal with Tracy, i dunno what it is but she's been bitchy lately and i dont like it. well, im going to go do some e-mails or something to keep me occupied. <3,





-molliebear

i hate this i cant stand another second

i hate this. they said they were going to push me.. i didnt know it would be off a cliff. i feel like everything i do is wrong, i feel like everyone is mad at me. im tired of everyone being so critical of me. it hurts. i want to self injure so badly. i really do. i feel so alone. i feel like i have two friends in this world and both of them are so busy they can't talk to me often. i hate my life.i feel like i want to die. correction- i want this pain to stop. i feel alone in the world. everyone has their own shit that they're dealing with and i appreciate that, but it sucks. i dont know what to do. <3,







-XxmolliebearxX

i am mollie's gallbladder....still

so I saw the surgeon today. He set the surgery date for Sept. 17th, the day before my 21st birthday :P im glad that damn gallbladder is getting out cuz it has been torture dealing with it. my cold has been getting better though (yay). i miss dawn and alyssa and all my SP buddies. Off for some chicken noodle soup...no soda on the side. <3,







-molliebear (and an unidentified flying part,hehe)

i feel like shit emotionally. i feel like the stupidest person ever alive. everyone around me is in school, or accomplishing great things. off. <3,














-molliebear

i feel like crap still. my mom keeps insisting it's a virus/cold so she won't have to drive up here and take me to the appointmnt. I'm at the library, hurrah (note lack of enthusiasm). I'm cold and hot at the same time. It sucks :P I miss Dawn, i know she's overworked and doesn't have much time but i still miss our late night chats. Well, off to read e-mail. <3,





-molliebear

i feel like shit. im sick and i hate it. fucking immediate care no longer accepts medical assistance of ANY kind. Bastards. It left me and two of my housemates w/o medical care. we were told to pay 90$ up front or go to the ER if we really wanted to be treated. bullshit. so i have to ride up to lisbon to see my doctor which is probably booked. today was just shitty. tomorrow doesn't hold much promise, i have tx and i haven't finished my assignment. im scared he'll get mad at me because i didn't finish it. ugh. i hate feeling this way. i took some robitussin(sp?) but staff wont let me have benadryl to dry out my sinuses. :P screw them. i want to talk to dawn but im dyin' over here waiting for 10pm. i miss her and <3 her guts but i need sleepytime.<3,




- a very sick and yucky feeling molliebear