i posted this to my self injury support list:



hey, i'm feeling crappy today. my new roomate moved in, and she's cool and all but she was getting in the way of my cleaning. i always clean the apartment on sunday. i feel like im on crack because my eyes are burning. I totally just burst into tears and sobbed this morning- all because my staff were lecturing me on how staff has had to wake me up on sundays a couple times on sunday and how it's important to get my meds on time in the morning. blah blah blah. they tried to compliment me on getting up fine during the week and on saturday. it's like, DUH, i work all week and sunday is my crash day, do you not understand that?? apparently not. they wanted me to write an essay on the importance of getting meds on time but Alex changed it to what's keeping me from getting up, what's going on in my life,etc. so i did that. im scared of tracy lately. i dunno why. she reminds me of my abusers sometime but i can't tell them that cuz' you know they won't understand that either. im doing okay (from surgery), they had to keep me overnight b/c i didn't wake up to anesthesia within the normal times. im in pain a lot today because i did a lot of sweeping and mopping and picking up stuff which aggravates the incision under my bra line (about an inch or two under). it's the biggest one. the other one that hurts is the one on my belly button. im feeling kinda depressed. i dunno why. i want to take a nap but im scared to b/c of staff. i want out of this house *so* badly, so so badly. im tired of being treated like a child. im tired of consequences and all that bull. i feel pissed because two of my peers told staff that some chocolate twizzlers were mine-( they were left in the group room overnight which is not allowed) and they weren't mine. it hurt my feelings (it doesn't seem to take much to do that lately). I feel really alone, i want to cry, my child parts are all out of sorts, my adult/adolescent parts are feeling either pissed or depressed. things just kinda suck right now. i work tomorrow, and im worried it's going to be too much (11-6). too late to change it now. im having a panic attack and i can't take meds b/c staff will bitch. they are always up my ass about how many PRNs i take and all that jazz. i so want to say "you aren't my doctor, stop acting like it!". they say it's for my best interest but i think it's bull sometimes. not much else to say, besides feeling like shit and all that. i dyed my hair a red color, it turned out nicely. I still want to dye it blue but i can't cuz im still chained to Kohls. Oh yes, BTW, my computer is chock full of viruses. yay for that . well, im off,


(((big hugs))),(molliebear)
"She takes the pills to fall asleep,And dream that she's invisible,Tormented dreams she stays awake,Recalls when she was capable"