it's peanut butter IP time

going IP tomorrow. save my arms from complete butcheredness. im getting tired but i might update if i get stuck at GBMC. (((Hugs to everyone)) <3,











-molliebear

freaked out still. i dunno what to do. i cant stop cutting. I want help but i dunno what kind. someone save me <3,









-molliebear

totally completely freaking the hell out. i dunno what the hell is wrong. i want to cry and scream. i want to self injure like hell. i hate this. i want my klonopin. i want a hug. i want positive attention. i want who the hell knows what. i want to die right now. ugh, panickyness.

So being at Dawn's was awesome. I want to live there!!LOL. I have good news- im waiting to tell dawn first though. right now im fighting the urge to binge. i already had three bean tacos and now im eating grapes. i know it'll just go right into the toilet anyway so i feel bad for spending money on it. my parts are freaking out and they want to come out but they're scared and everything is going to hell, i want to cut i want to purge but im trying so hard not to. i dunno what to freaking do. my friends are away. im wanting to cut the most. off to do who the hell knows what. <3,






-molliebear and some very confused scared parts.

im at dawn's! YAY. I don't want to go back "home" tomorrow. I cut my arm yucky but it's okay now. im feeling good and it's been such a long time sicne i saw my dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss!. Anyways, we're off to watch TV. <3,







-molliebear and all parts who finally feel welcomed :)

I get to visit Dawn!!! YAYYYYYYYYYY! I'm so excited. I get to get away from this craphole. I have a terrible headache right now tho :P Dawn said she'd be on at 10:15 and it's 10:52 and nothing. Dawnnnnnnn where are youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu? I'm going to bed soon. <3,










-molliebear

I want to visit dawnnnnnnnn!!! She needs to come back from away :P I might finally be getting a car for real now. i dunno. I'm feeling anxious and i dunno why. Nirvana will calm me down, hehe. I'll look at used cars, maybe that will make me feel better too, i dunno. off <3,








-molliebear

stress in the houseeeeeeeeeee. ugh. i got three cavities filled today and found out i need to have two wisdom teeth removed b/c they are impacted or something like that. so i have to go to D.C. to get them removed and im dreading it. i feel like crying and i dunno quite why. im feeling like im going to find a way to SI myself tonight. I dunno what to do. Im struggling every night to stay safe. i think im going to go on the SP waiting list. im falling apart. i want to hurt myself very much so. hopefully i can sleep it off for yet another day... <3,









-molliebear

im really tired right now. poor new guy David, he is overwhelmerd i think. it's time for "bed". stupid curfews. Well, I have to go, I'll update more tomorrow or later. <3,





-molliebear
p.s.- i <3 dawn!!

so today i spent my day in my lovely local ER. :P NOT REALLY. I got there around 11:45am so I could get stitches (or at least some type of wound care) and didn't get to leave until around 6. I was delirious from hospital sounds. Oddly enough, there is a Dr. Pepper working at the hospital,haha. I got to hear about the patient in the next room's rectal bleeding, a daughter try to pretend she takes good care of her mother who has dementia.....etc. It was a pretty shitty day. I feel like SHIT. I cant cut anymore on that arm because there isn't any room on the bottom and if i cut again my ass is going IP. I managed to avoid IP this time by letting Olivia out because she's my public relations girl (haha). She answered the questions pleasantly when needed and added dramatic sighs when our crazy past (hospital-wise) was questioned. I just sat in the empty psych. room (that's where they moved me so they could have the medical bed and so the psych. nurse could evaluate me. Oh yes, BTW, i dunno if i already said it but it was too late for stitches. Yeah, great. I need an excuse for work about this bandage (my staff were nice enough to re-wrap it- the hospital used like 239258i39 feet of wrapping gauze so i looked like a Yeti.) So far I have decided i will just wear long sleeves and tough it out for a bit. My second excuse is (I told them before that i fell up some concrete steps) that my "old scrape" got infected or something. I feel so shitty. Wanting to cut *so* badly!! I dunno what the hell is wrong with me. I don't know what I need or want. Blah. well, it's almost that lovely curfew time, so i'd better go. <3,



-molliebear and all

my more detailed update. I'm having a really really hard time wanting to self injure tonight. I'm not sure why. I got all my chores done, my apartment is clean enough for me, I did DDR until I was dripping with sweat. Good exercise. My stomach kind of hurts, im hungry but scared to eat. I've lost a couple pounds already with the Alli. It's good stuff. Now I'm crashing, but we have scary movies to watch so i want to stay up later. im feeling spacey (not quite dissociative). i want to cut so badly. it's a real battle tonight. One of my housemates asked about the cuts on my leg. He was like "Hey Mollie, you have a scrape on your leg" and I was like "I know"
and he said something like "well, you fell or something by accident" and i just didnt say anything and it ended there. He (not to be mean) isnt really smart enough to put two and two together. ugh, im fighting so damn hard. i want to cry. ugh. i wish i had friends here i could hug or something. time to go, we ordered pizza, YEAHHHHH. <3,





-molliebear

im so tired of inspections, BLEH. At least it's friday. i dont have much to say ATM as I need to go clean but I will post more later. <3,











-molliebear

So today is pretty boring so far. All I have to look forward to is seeing my mom today and having the week off from work. so tired!! going to go read now. <3,









-molliebear

im fucking pissed off. I cleaned my apartment and now i got another fucking list of shit to do. I want to cut, it's my new favorite coping mechanism. I've given up on stoping for now. What the fuck is the point? It's my body. Who cares. grrrrrrrrr. parts are pissed about this. all it does is motivate me to do the bare minimum. I'm not going to clean on sunday morning anymore until they tell me what to do. i hate this. i really fucking hate this. i want to cry i am so damn angry. im so tired of this bullshit. i dont want a male staff. he's weird and awkward and it creeps me out. shit. i feel like everything i do is a fucking mistake. forget it. forget it all. the blood can wash it away.




-molliebear