Saturday, June 30, 2007

I hate me.

i hate myself. i want to cut. i want to cry. i just want to hide for a long time. sleep for a long time. i miss dawn and sam and having friends IRL. shitty day. not because something shitty happened- because NOTHING happened is the point. Nothing ever happens. I'm starting to feel SU, i might just cut tonight i dunno. i want to cry so badly.life just sucks. my dad is a fucking asshole. FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING DICK. YOURE WORTHLESS AS A FATHER! god damn it. why does all this shit still affect me??? It's been 6 fucking years since it ended. I hate myself so much. I wish someone would end it for me. im in some sort of floaty numb(to positive emotions) hurting place right now and im trying to claw my way out of it. i hate myself so fucking much. god damn. i want to die. i want the pain to go away. i want to cry and sob and cut myself to fucking pieces.






-molliebear

Friday, June 29, 2007

im still awkward around the new guy staff. i dunno what it is. write more later. <3,






-molliebear

Thursday, June 28, 2007

i feel better now that staff know about my other cutting incident. we're going to Wal-mart in like, 10 minutes but whatever. im bored. i e-mailed my samula, hopefully she can read it sometime. anyways, i have to get ready. <3,










-molliebear
had an okay day. i need more bandages, i've run out. i want to keep cutting more and more but i wont for now. i usually do it at night though. i miss Dawn :'( im happy she is safe and getting better though. I miss Amy, I don't know when I'll see her again. I want to take a nap but i think i'd sleep too long. well, im off, not much to say, <3,







-molliebear

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

my cuts are itchy now and i hateeeeee ittttt. damn me. i want to cut more even though i just bitched about it being itchy... blah, im bored (i haven't had work except for monday, this friday and saturday.) i feel lonely and sad for some reason. i want to cut really badly. :'( i dunno what's wrong with me. im just fucked up. *sigh* off. <3,









-molliebear

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Everything about me.... a distraction-

An "Everything Me" Survey

Fill In...

I Want: to feel okay with myself, for the pain to go away
I Have: very little hope right now, and i have a bed that i like to be in all the time
I Wish: i had a childhood. that i could just be "all better" w/o the work
I Hate: myself
I Miss(ed): being a child
I Fear: anger
I Hear: myself talking in my sleep
I Search For: myself
I Wonder: what it's like to have a caring, normal father or at least one that doesn't abuse me
I Love: my aunt (even though she's not on this earth anymore), my grandma, my mom, my stuffed animals
I Ache: because i feel like there is a void in my life
I Always: screw up everything
I Am Not: happy...safe...anything good
I Dance: in my group room to 80's music
I Sing: in the car, or alone
I Cry: not often enough (they tears wont flow)
I Am Not Always: kind to myself
I Win: one game, PDQ
I Lose: everything
I Confuse: when things happened and time
I Need: love, attention, patience
I Should: stop shoving food in my face
My father thinks I am: crazy because he doesn't acknowledge the abuse
My mother thinks I am: better than i really am
What makes me happy: dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss, Samula, my IRL friends, sleep, and unfortunately SI

Yes or No...

you keep a diary: blog
you have a secret you have not shared with anyone: yes, hence the abuse dynamic
you set your watch ahead:yes
you bite your fingernails: no
you believe in love: occasionally

Who is...?

the prettiest female you know: Dawn and Sam
the loudest person you know: me i guess
the person that knows the most about you: dawn
most boring teacher: none ATM

Do You...?

take a shower everyday: every other day
want to get married: maybe
have any tattoos/where?: none yet
get motion sickness: rarely
think you're a health freak: no
get along with your parents: my mother (i hate my father, we haven't spoken in 5 years)

Pick One...

Cuddle or Make Out: cuddle
Chocolate Milk, or Hot Chocolate?: chocolate milk
Dark, milk, OR White Chocolate?: milk chocolate
Vanilla OR Chocolate? chocolate

In the past week have you...?

Cried?: today
Helped Someone?: yeah
Bought something?: yeah
Gotten Sick?: yeah
Gone to the Movies?: No
Gone out for Dinner?: does mcdonalds count?
SAID "I LOVE YOU"?: yes
Written a Real Letter?: no
Written in a Journal?: yea
Talked to a crush?: yea
Had a Serious Talk?: Yeah..therapy today
Missed Someone?: Yes!!!!!!!
Hugged someone?: yeah
Fought With Your Parents?: no
Fought With a Friend?: No

Would You Ever...?

1. Eat a bug? no
2. Bungee jump? over water
3. Hang glide? yes
4. Kill someone? no but sometimes i wish i could
5. Have sex with someone you don't love? dunno
6. Kiss someone of the same sex? i prefer girls anyhow
7. Have sex with someone of the same sex? done that before
8. Parachute from a plane? no
9. Walk on hot coals? no
10. Go out with someone for their looks? no
11. For their reputation? no
12. Be a vegetarian? yes, i was
14. IM a stranger? done it in the past
15. Sing karaoke? done it before
16. Get drunk off your ass? no
17. Shoplift? eh.......
18. Run a red light? yeah
19. Star in a porn video? maybe
20. Dye your hair blue? done it
21. Be on Survivor? no
22. Wear makeup in public? yeah??..
23. NOT wear makeup in public? i don't
24. Cheat on a test? have
25. Make someone cry? I have
26. Call your math teacher a motherfucker? what????
27. Kick a baby? WTF???
28. Date someone more than ten years older than you? nah
29. Cuss out a priest? sure :D
30. Take a job as a janitor? if I needed to

Pick One...

Coke ~ Pepsi:: diet coke plus
Sprite ~ Mountain Dew:: diet mountain dew
Dr. Pepper ~ Root Beer:: diet dr. pepper
Water ~ Milk:: milk
Beer ~ Wine:: neither
Butter ~ Margerine:: neither
Hot Dog ~ Hamburger:: hot dog
Cupcakes ~ Muffins:: both....dawn knows why ;x
Donuts ~ Bagels:: both
Ice Cream ~ Cake:: ice cream
Cookies ~ Chocolate:: chocolate
Raspberries ~ Strawberries:: raspberries
Apples ~ Bananas:: either
Cherries ~ Kiwis:: cherries
Black ~ White:: black
Guys ~ Girls:: Girls :)
Moon ~ Sun:: Moon
Night ~ Day:: Night
Dark ~ Light:: Dark
Ocean ~ Sea:: Ocean
Rap ~ Rock:: Rock
N*SYNC ~ BSB:: Neither
Sublime ~ Bob Marley:: Sublime!!!!!!!!!!
Puddle of Mudd ~ Nirvana:: Nirvana!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ACDC~sex pistols:: Neither
Hugs ~ Kisses:: Hugs
America ~ Europe:: Either
Asia ~ Africa:: either
Michael Jackson ~ Janet Jackson:: Neither
Michael Jackson ~ R. Kelly:: Neither
Ashley Olsen ~ Mary-Kate Olsen:: dun care
Johnny Depp ~ Orlando Bloom:: dun careeeeeeeeee
Leo Dicaprio ~ Josh Hartnett:: see above answer
Pamela Anderson ~ Angelina Jolie:: Angelina all the way!!
Jennifer Anniston ~ Demi More:: dont care
Ashton Kutcher ~ Justin Timberlake:: haha, justin because his voice is so girly he could pass as me
Cows ~ Sheep:: i love all animals
Soccer ~ Rugby:: soccer
Football ~ Hockey:: hockey
Baseball ~ Basketball:: Neither
Swimming ~ Golf:: Swimming
Limes ~ Lemons:: Lemons
Hot ~ Cold:: cold, im usually warm
This ~ That:: eh
Pen ~ Pencil:: Pen
Two Piece ~ One Piece:: Depends
Thongs ~ Panties:: girls boxers
Boxers ~ Briefs:: who cares
Short Hair ~ Long Hair:: Long
Heaven ~ Hell:: agnostic
Tea ~ Coffee:: Tea
Bad Breath ~ Crooked Teeth:: Bad breath
Rain ~ Snow:: Rain
Fun ~ Safety:: ?...
Passion ~ Fun:: um...?
Happiness ~ Freedom:: Both
so i cut last night, on my arm. my pdoc, therapist, mother and staff know about it, im bandaged properly but now im battling making new cuts.. i *really* *really* want to. *REALLY*. i dunno what to do....having issues w/ eating as well. <3,








-molliebear

Monday, June 25, 2007

feeling crappy. i want to sleep but it's kinda too early to do that. think im getting sick or something. i have a headache, yucky. nothing important happened today, they docked my hours at work b/c i was late all the time. s'ok because im getting a different job and getting out of that credit hell hole. off. <3,









-molliebear

Sunday, June 24, 2007

im feeling blah. I'm broke, I owe money. im just depressed and yucky. i feel like i should go IP but not at the same time. I feel yuck. I'm cold and my ankles hurt (they got cut up by new shoes). I also have some weird kind of bite or bruise thing on my leg, it just keeps getting bigger and bigger. time to go. <3,











-molliebear

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

feeling very tired right now. im beating myself up because my library books are late, how stupid, right? I wish I had friends IRL. All I have are my housemates and I'll be leaving them come August if all goes well. I felt proud of myself because i scrubbed down the whole apartment by myself (of course, seeing as how I don't have a roomate ATM}. I'm excited about ocean city, time for some sun!! lol. i feel very stuck at work, I'm looking for a new job, mostly out of curiousity. I'm tired of all the credit bullshit. They make up ridiculous goals on how many people should sign up for a credit card a day. They expect me to convice *4* people to sign up for a credit card with an interest rate of something like either 11.5 or 21% WTF, nobody wants that. You have to be very cheery and fake to get those credits, smiling and everything being thank you's and yes ma'ams. it's frustrating. My male parental unit is moving to White Marsh. I don't know why this freaks me out, maybe because he's in the state now (he used to live in Delaware). I think my brain is rotting away, i can't spell worth crap lately and it's pissing me off. i'll update later. <3,


-molliebear + all

Monday, June 18, 2007

i dont have to work for three days, i'll be going to ocean city and yet im depressed tonight. i dunno why. i want to cry, i want to hide, i want to cut. actually, no i'd rather purge but i can't... meds and whatnot. my wisdom teeth are still growing in too, ugh. i feel very alone. i think that might be why i feel so sad. i feel like i dont have friends. no one else is like me. i am alone in this world.





-Olivia

Sunday, June 17, 2007

cleaned the apartment like mad for like, 3 hours. they didn't give me a list of things to clean (yay!). im going out with my mom. the fact that it's fathers day hasn't bothered me yet, but it will at night time. my wisdom teeth are killing me, they're breaking through the gums right now. it sucks. as usual, i miss sam, dawn, and now amy (more than before). off. <3,









-molliebear

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

so im here at the library. i deposited my check from my tax returns from MD, the check was much smaller than my federal returns but it's money so whatever. I have to get my blood drawn and im nervous and will be nervous until I get it done. Not much else to say.... e-mailed Samula. So yeah, that's about it, things are okay right now but who knows how shitty i'll feel later. <3




-molliebear

Monday, June 11, 2007

im hallucinating and it's freaking me out. im out of my one med and im scared. i want to cry because im scared inside. i dont want to hear this shit. hearing the voice of some person who's freaking DEAD now. what the hell sense does that make? im going to sleep it off i think. i miss dawn, i miss sam. im so scared. i hate this. <3,
-molliebear

Sunday, June 10, 2007

i am broken inside and i want to hide

im having a really hard time. i want to cut really bad. i dont know why i feel so upset but i am so anxious i could cry. i feel so blah and numb and flat except for the anxiety. im trying to listen to music, journal and talk to friends online but it's not really helping me. i just took my 1pm klonopin an half hour ago. its not doing shit. i want to cry but i can't. the tears wont come. i hate this feeling. i just want to run until it all goes away. i want to take something that will make me sleep for a while and give me a pause on life. i cant do anything like that though. its just a fantasy. i feel alone in this world. i feel like i have no friends. i feel like im just a pain in the ass to everyone. a burden, an obligation. i want to run away from all of my problems. this probably doesn't make any sense. <3,


-molliebear

Saturday, June 09, 2007

my roomate is pissing me off. she went and got high w/ her sis. that shit pisses me off so bad. ugh. i have a stabbing headache that hurts right behind my left eye. i want to go to sleep but it's saturday night and i wanna chill downstairs. tonight i feel like cutting but i just dont have the energy (if that makes sense). I miss my two best friends, they are so busy sometimes i forget they remember me. i feel like im just somebody that they used to know. i feel yucky. fucking drug addicts, ugh. im going to go, i want to cut so bad. grrrrrrrrrrr. <3,





-molliebear

Friday, June 08, 2007

having trouble. really want to self injure. i hate myself. i want to cut the pain away. i am alone. i have no friends. <3,









-molliebear

Sunday, June 03, 2007

so im crashing. i want to cut. i really really want to. i hate this feeling. i do. it never seems to go away completely. i feel a void. something missing. a normal father maybe? probably. i feel like i have no friends. no one likes me, but of course who *would*? I'm a miserable person. I'm not fun to be with. All I do is complain and bitch. i have to do something. <3,







-a very fucked up molliebear
hey. feeling really anxious. dunno what i need to do to feel better.three of my housemates are either in the hospital or at crisis. so it's just my ex-roomate(female) and me and the boys. i haven't cut in about a week so im proud of that. im having ED issues, i dont want to eat food, it makes me feel sick to smell it or see it. i don't know how to fix that or whatever. well, im going to go.. <3,






-molliebear

Saturday, June 02, 2007

i feel like shit. im tired of narcs and crap like that. im tired of living here, i want out, i hate this. i want to hurt myself really bad. deep deep cuts. i want to cut through muscle. i want to see fat. i want to puke until i see red. i have no life, i have no reason to live. i hate me.