so our nasty ass toilet is fixed. and the tub. Randy had to come and clean the shit off the floor ;) it was a gross concoction in that toilet, piss shit and tampons. NICE. It was slightly embarrassing even though the shit and tampons weren't mine. It took them TWO DAYS to fix that damn tub and toilet. Now our kitchen sink takes 348932483432857 years to drain and is hard to wash dishes in. Dawn (roommate) is farting up a storm, it's NASTY. Dear lord. The girls here are worse than the guys sometimes. I work tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it to get out of the house even though we're not on restriction anymore. I'm listening to music that annoys Dawn, hehehehe. I have therapy tomorrow for once. I keep missing the sessions. Between work and other appointments and shit it's hard to get there twice a week. I want to cut and I don't know why right now, I just do. I still have my tools but I can't cut deep. Well, I gotta go, <3,





-molliebear

ive fallen into a well and i cant get out.

so it turns out the person who su-ed was someone i knew. im feeling really sad about this and jealous at the same time. i miss dawn and sam and hugs and good things. i want sunshine. i want to feel a brief lapse in this excrutiating pain. just a moment of true happiness. i dont think happiness is really ever anything attainable as pertains to me. i want to go to the beach and just take a bunch of pills and lay on the shore and let the water wash my body away. don't get scared, im not going to do anything, im safe, these are just little dreams/fantasies I have. im not going to SI or su or anything though that option is looking better and better. i'll be okay, i just need to mourn this a bit. and eat a lot of crap. and then try to quietly puke it all out without anyone hearing. or maybe ill just go to sleep for the night. who knows, its a toss off. ill write more tomorrow, i have to work Fri and Sat, gotta put on that fake ass smile i wear that makes the money. <3,




-molliebear

I just heard some bad news. I don't have all the details but it makes me sad. Yet another SU, I can't believe it. It's supposed to be a safe place there, why do people manage to end it unnoticed? I need to talk to Dawn, I hope it's not someone I know. I'm glad J is safe and it wasn't her. Got 2 go, <3,





-molliebear

bullshit

I'm so sick of living at TAY. I feel like they're watching us ready to fail. I want out. They keep expecting more and more out of us and it's overwhelming. It makes me want to cut and isolate in my room. We had our privileges taken away until Monday because we didn't take the trash out on Wed. This irritates me because 4 of the people living in this house (including me) had just got back from a trip to Ocean City and we had woken up at 5am, it was 10 o'clock at night for christ's sakes. Let's just say our trash was the last thing on our mind. Now,we have no phone, no internet (im writing this with a computer at the club), no going anywhere, no visitors. AGH. I hate it. I'm homesick when I can't talk to my mother. I was going to go out with her today but now I can't. Stupid fucking consequences. I hate it. I feel like a complete and utter child here. Agh, I just want to scream and pound on the walls to let this anger out. It's been brewing for such a long time and I just keep pushing it down and away but one day it's gonna snap. I have to go, lunch is being served. I <3 Dawn!!! <3,




-(a very pissed off) molliebear

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Just noticed that Olivia posted. I guess keeping them containined inside all the time doesn't help? I know better, I really do, I just like to deny it sometimes. They made me go to immediate care today because of my cough- i have an upper respiratory infection (duh) and they gave me 6 days worth of prednisone because my lungs are all inflamed. I don't have to have therapy tomorrow b/c I work 9:45am-4:45pm. I hate that shift ugh. I don't want to work but i have to if i want to go to OC on wednesday. On a better note, I bought a Sega Genesis from the thrift shop and two/three games with it. Nothing I'm quite interested in (shooting games and whatnot) but I wanted to play Sega. We're going to get more games sometime. We got a "Bop-it" (remember those??) too. I finally figured out my MP3 player, put a bunch of songs on it from the computer. I'm in an OK mood, but I have impulses to cut- reminding myself that I want to go to the beach on Wed. is not much of a consolation to myself- i want what i want when i want it. I've been having ED crap resurfacing too, it just pisses me off at how my own mind works. I feel like I'm drowning. I hate people asking me for stuff, they need to budget or something and not keep coming to me for stuff. I want to live by myself sometimes. Most of the time actually. I miss Dawn and Sam. Especially Sam b/c I never hear from her and she doesn't really answer e-mails. I miss my SP friends, they're all I have sometimes. I <3 Dawn!! <3,



-(a very lonely)molliebear

Hey, this is Olivia. I haven't been out in ages. Mollie keeps us busy at work. Our boss the other day was a total bitch. I wanted to slap her across the face but I knew it would ruin Mollie's job and she'd be pissed at me/us. Work keeps us busy so we don't think about su and SI so often, though the thoughts come at night mostly. I miss being out but there's not really anyone to talk to because people can't know I'm out. I don't necessarily want to lie either. I read Summer's post and responded. I don't want to go to work today. This job is very important to Mollie tho'. I'm out.




~*Olivia

im not sick, im not getting sick- LIES ALL LIESSSSSSSS

i think D.H. gave me a freaking sore throat!!. I don't have time to be sick. I have to work. I have off today but go in tomorrow from 3-8 and then on Sat. from1-6. I like working except for the bitchy lady-boss-person who was working yesterday. She was evil!! I plan on getting some of that Airborne stuff and see if it works- I already take a multivitamin and extra zinc. Kohls doesn't sell dermablend unfortunately, which means until i see my mom I have to do the long sleeve bit. The ED has kinda plateaued(sp?)- not getting better not getting worse. I got my nails done yesterday and that was nice. Now I just need a pedicure :D haha. Well, I must go, lunch is going to be served soon. oh yes- for a&a I say "AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAI!" and I miss dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss!!




-molliebear

let me out

A.H. is apparently okay, i dunno what happened. i see my t today, im a bit nervous and i dont know why. i have work tomorrow from 4-8. i hope to spend some time with my mom today but i have a feeling she's gonna cop out on me again. im feeling depressed. im fat and ugly and no one will ever want me. i miss dawn. i miss sam. child parts are crying. there's too much chaos. <3,




-molliebear

sweet jesus

me (and all parts) are totally freaked out right now. (A.H.) freaked out and started screaming. she got the po-po's and an ambulance sent for her. i hope she's going to get better meds or something- some sort of therapy or help. it does not help the PTSD!!!! I had to be "the strong one" b/c D.H. was having a panic attack and was crying. I was more freaked out when A.H. was screaming then when the cops came to the door. We missed the last bit of Nanny 911 (I know, I'm selfish, right?) but i wanted to see the "happy" ending of that show. Mostly I guess b/c real life doesn't turn out that way for me/people in real life. Well, I better go, i should sleep away this crap. <3,




-molliebear

im so nauseated. i feel horrible. i have a bit of a headache and feel generally tired and sore. i want to find a good book to cuddle up with. my mom ditched me again, she isn't feeling well and doesn't want to see me. i dont know when im getting my car. i just feel numb right now. numb and tired. i want to sleep and never wake up. i dont want to go IP. hershey park was awesome. i want that thrill again. im off today and tomorrow and work something like 4-8 on Wed. I had no therapy last week. i dont know what to do to feel better. i just want to throw my hands in the air and give up. someone love me. <3,






-molliebear

i enjoy working. it gives me something to do 8 hours a day. the only trouble is i only got one 15 minute break during the whole day yesterday, instead of two 15's and a 30 min. for lunch. I dunno how the heck i can work this upcoming week out b/c tomorrow is the freaking gyn and blood draw and then tuesday is Hershey Park(the child parts say " YAY!" ). I guess I can work Wed,thurs, fri, sat? I wish I had a car, then I could work on sun and have a diff. day off. I could also work until closing if I got the car. i miss dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss!!!! I miss Samula! <3,



-molliebear

7,300$ down the drain

I have the theme song to Mr. Rogers stuck in my head! AGH!! I'm feeling a little better today because I had yesterday and today off. I go back tomorrow though and I don't wanna,lol. I want the $$ but i dunno. If I didn't live in Way Station I would have 7,300$ in my pocket right now! They took ALL of my backpaid SSI!!!! GRRRRR. SSI sends me 603$ a month and I get 20$ of it. TWENTY DOLLARS! Agh. Hopefully when I move out I can get that money and use it for rent or whatever. I guess I shouldn't complain b/c I get 102$ a month just because. MA is getting to be a pain in the ass- some people who have it are starting to get co-pays and I hope I don't. I miss Dawn!!! J. is on peer restriction- and I hate to say it but I'm enjoying it. Well, I'm prolly' only in a good mood b/c of the Retiva. I have to see my pdoc today, I dunno what to say about my anxiety, i dunno what would help. Oh well, I get to see my mom and maybe my grandma. I miss my grandma!! I had a dream with my aunt in it, she was holding me while i was crying. i woke up feeling like she was really there, it was kinda comforting. I miss her so much. She was too young to die. :'( At least she's in heaven watching over me. Gotta go, <3,



-molliebear

work

standing at a register training for 4 hours sucks. I wore a poor choice of shoes so my feet hurt like hell after work. i dont think i can go back today, im too tired and have a pdoc appt. tomorrow. I'm feeling unsatisfied. i dunno whats wrong. D. decided she didn't want to work there until June 12th, so im going solo. I kinda wish she'd go so I'd know at least one person there. Oh well. I dunno what else to say, I feel lonely and crappy. I miss Dawn :'( <3,






-molliebear