so it's a slow day at the club because it's memorial day. i want to go home and sleep all my agony away. i hurt inside and dunno what im gonna do since i can't SI. I'm scared that my teeth are permanently damaged from the bulimia. i hate my life. i only have two real friends and one of them is away. i dont even think i want help at this point, i dont know. <3,




-molliebear

sick..still? maybe

I think I had a 24 hour flu. My body ached so badly last night, i couldn't sleep at all- i had to take an ambien and two benadryl and all it did was help me sleep for a half hour. i think i shook it off hopefully, im still getting chills but not like last night. On a happier note, my drug screen FINALLY is set with Kohls and I can start the rest of my training on Tuesday. My mom and brother are sick, so we aren't going to go any where. Not much to say, i miss dawn, i can't find my phone card so i can't call her unless im at my mom's. I miss Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss!! <3,




-molliebear

fragile

i feel weak and sick. i purged until it was just stomach acid. i think i got all the food out. i hope i did. i cant take it anymore. i need to lose weight. i can never be happy with myself if im fat. <3,




-molliebear

blimp

i feel so sick. i totally binged. i ate half a bag of doritos and two strawberry shortcakes that were loaded with strawberry syrup and chocolate. im fat and probably always will be with the will power i've got. i give up for tonight. i can't purge, it's too late. i am so unhappy with myself i can't form the words to express it. <3,





-a very fat, bloated molliebear

sleepy time

I just fell asleep in a chair and the van driver had to wake me up because i had to get my blood drawn, I took some Retiva so hopefully that'll perk me up a bit. I miss having friends I can hang out with. i don't have any friends in frederick. i dunno what to say or do anymore. <3,





-molliebear

tired and feeling sick

i feel so tired, i dunno why. i took some Retiva but it's not doing anything so far. I think I'm going to have trouble staying awake here at the library. I don't have anyone to talk to since Dawn went away :( Oh well, I'm glad she's getting quality treatment there and is working so hard. I'm proud of her :) I suppose I could read my e-mail, i dunno. Maybe I'm tired from all this ED crap? who knows. off i go <3,




-molliebear

thin=good,pure,happy

i hate AGH , everything about me. im just so unhappy. i dunno what to do, i wanna SI but i can't. i just cant have any more scars, ugh. i wish i could puke all the fat up, i would spend all my time doing this until i was thin, and then i would not eat so much. this is my non-reality based theory. if i puke enough i will be thin.

fat (ED issues)

im tired of being fat. why cant i be skinny and happy? they go hand in hand, i cant be happy unless im skinny. its not fair. i need to restrict! need to exercise more. anything to get this fat off of my hideous bloated body. its like a wearing a lead coat all the time. i dont want people to think im pregnant. it's embarrassing. I hate it. i hate everything.

i cant be fixed

i failed today. with food. everything. i dunno what is wrong with me. one minute im fine the next im not. what the fuck is wrong with me.

wow

http://stfu-chicken.livejournal.com/29453.html?#cutid1

So I think I straightend out the whole Kohls deal. I hope!! I'm at home now (my mom's house) and my mom and brother are setting up a punching bag stand. I feel okay right now, I'm okay being full for now. I haven't cut in like, 3 weeks. I miss having friends that live out here, they're all spread out at college and whatnot. I don't want to go back to TAY tomorrow :( I get a comfy bed here at my mom's house,lol. Well, I'm off, I <3 Dawnie-pooh-pooh-kiss-kiss!! <3,





-molliebear

Still can't get in touch with that Rhonda lady who I have to talk to about the Kohls thing. I hope they rejected me b/c of the pee test and not because of something else. my head is throbing and I want to go home for the weekend. I hope my apartment is clean enough. i hope my mom says i can come over and stay for the weekend. I need to get away from TAY for a bit. It's getting too much to handle kinda. I miss Dawn and I feel even more miserable knowing she won't be back online for 2-4 months or longer than if she stayed a month somewhere else. Don't get me wrong, I want her to get the help and she deserves it, but I have that selfish desire (1. because I can't go to such a good place and 2. I want to talk to her "live"). I wish I could go there for a while but I'd lose my bed at TAY and whatnot. I dunno where I'd go after that. Well, I dunno what else to say- my t let me out early today (for some reason), which is good, because I was getting really tired(when I work in therapy I get really tired b/c my parts try to shut us down) and didn't want to sleep in front of her, lol. okay, now im off for good, <3,




-molliebear

i am the eternal fuck up

so the way station woman who was shot is in critical condition. it appears that it was her ex-husband who shot her. She works in the family preservation program for Frederick. I don't know her but still feel upset about this. Taking the diet pills again. Cant let the t know cuz she'd go crazy. got a notice from Kohls about how they can't accept me (I did the pee test and the lab never called to ask about the Adderall xr im on [which makes a positive result for amphetamines]). going to try to get a letter from my pdoc explaining im on the med for a reason. hopefully they'll take me back. if i can't go back im going to be really upset because I have looked for a job SO hard and haven't gotten one yet. It's ridiculous. You'd think they think I have leprosy or something. bye <3,




-molliebear

ambien syndrome

im so sleepy. i feel depressed. someone from way station may have died. i dunno, she got shot in the head from her husband who later suicided. Last i heard she was in surgery. i dunno how she's doing. i didn't really know her but everyone seems to be going away. the ED is strong, purging and everything. i can bafrely write coprehensiblhy, damned ambien with weird side effects and knock me out. i hate me. i want to be empty or everything. bye bye <3,



-a very disoriented mollibear

i feel shitty (still). im a little excited about buying healthy food to help me lose more weight. i wanted to go tanning today. i think getting the light helps. not much else to say. having some female issues- it's here, it's gone, it's here... the orthopedist said i could have tenderness for up to 3 months from now (not very encouraging). so, yeah, im still here, but that doesn't mean im happy about it. i dont really hurt today, i feel more numb and empty. <3,




-molliebear

Dawn is in the crazy Castlewood place. I miss her bunches!! GET BETTER DAWNIE-POOH-POOh-KISS-KISS!! <3,




-molliebear

i am nothing.

i dont know what to say. the ed is getting bad, im depressed and feel hopeless. i feel fat, ugly, and disgusting. i dont think anyone will ever want me. i want to cut. cut out all the bad, all the hurt, all the yuckiness inside of me. i want to be thin. thin to see bones. thin to starve. i know this is sick but i wish it. i want to weigh under 100 pounds. i dont have enough will power. i am weak. i am weak and pitiful. i am nothing. <3,



-molliebear

panic attack

im having a panic attack. i feel like im going to die. what if i can't sleep? what if i don't get up on time tomorrow? What if my chores aren't done good enough? What if I actually am *gaining* weight instead of losing it? What if I can't cut? What if my mom kills herself>?? What if Dawn kills herself? what if i go totally crazy? what if i have to go IP again?what will i do. im lost. please help me find my mommy. i want to be 6 again.im not ready to be a grown up

I miss talking to Dawn in person :( This is the latest I've stayed at my mom's house before. I bought some purpley hair dye, but i hope it wont be too much for Kohls to handle. I don't want to lose a job I've only had for a couple days, haha. I'm lonely right now, nobody's on and it's just me and my mom here at the house. I'm glad my mom liked her mothers day gift. I'm the only kid that got her anything for mother's day. Well, not much to say, <3,





-molliebear

fat and tired

I feel so fat. I didn't eat anything today yet either. I didn't take the Retiva because it made me feel pukey and I don't want to puke unless im making myself. I have training at Kohls on Monday at 12. I'm so damn tired. I'm tired of being fat. I want to be a skinny little thing. My ideal weight is 120-125. I'm far away from that. I only bought healthy food (minus the twizzlers) this week at the grocery store. well, I gotta go, I see the orthopedist today. <3,




-molliebear

status: employed

I am so out of it. I feel like it's the weekend or something. I'm pretty sure I got the job at Kohls- I did the pee test and everything. I start training on Wed. evening. J is now on "peer restriction" which means she cannot talk to any of us and can't go into any stores or go on any day passes. I hate to say it but i love it because I'm still pissed at her b/c of the phone card thing. She also has to stay in her room all day. I bought some Retiva today, took some and didn't eat anything until I got home. I had to take 2 glucose tabs though b/c of my blood sugar. I feel great. It's another one of my little secrets that no one can take away unless they figure it out. It also keeps me awake during the day so I can get through the morning without falling asleep. Tomorrow is my last physical therapy session (I'm pretty sure) and I go back to the orthopedist on Friday. I <3 Dawn & Sam!!! <3,




-molliebear

pray for sleep

insomnia is kicking my ass. ive already had my ambien and remeron. i wish i had some benadryl or tylenol PM or SOMETHING. I have an interview at Kohls tomorrow and im anxious about it, I need the job. Tomorrow is my last physical therapy session (hopefully). I had a very short weekend. I'm tired physically but not mentally. My eyes burn. I hate this. Damn my parts and all their disobedience. J my roomate used my phone card w/o asking and used over 100 minutes. She now has to buy me a new card and has no phone for 2 weeks. These body memories are really bothersome and I need to get my gyno exam done sometime this week. gotta go, <3, -molliebear

Agony

body memories still going on because im cursed. mostly i want to crawl up into a little ball and sleep them away. I miss Dawn and Sam. The only good thing that happened today was I got my 82$ check. I'm thinking about getting a tattoo but im not sure. Time to go. <3,







-molliebear

YAY for no therapy!!

I don't have any therapy (besides physical therapy) this week, my t called out for tomorrow because she's moving and i have a dr's appt on friday. So one whole week without my crappy t. I think it won't be as hard as she thinks it's gonna be. Still battling body memories (yes, it's been hours going into days) and fighting to stay in the present. Parts are content because they think our t is a big joke anyway and never tell her anything really important (except for the one time they told on us for looking at graphic pictures). So I wore make up today :) I feel a tad less ugly just for now. Physical therapy was rough today, i did 10 min. on the treadmill at a high speed and some incline. Then I did the side to side on it too. She(the PT) said if things keep going well I can see her one last time next week. I'm excited because then I can actually get a job where my schedule isn't crazy. I'm jealous of A. because she got a job at Target. I want to work there :/ oh well, i guess you can't have your cake and eat it too (or in my case, have a pound of cake and purge it all away). I miss talking to Dawn in "real time" instead of just by blogs and e-mail. I miss Samula too!! ((((hugs to Sam and Dawn)))) well, I'm off, I'm gonna read or go do something productive,haha. <3,




-molliebear