I know this will be temporary...

I know this will be temporary
I know this will be, but I've had enough
----------------------------------------------------

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. AGH. fuck fuck fuck. okay..now that that is out.. I am having horrendous anxiety tonight, i don't freakin know why. i am so fucking sick of this shit. i am tired of life, i am tired of trying, im tired of reaching out- or trying to at least. im pissing off people because they think i should be doing better than this. I AM DOING MY BEST. for christ's sake. i want OUT. i want to cut, to punish myself. im bordering on flashback, im trying to hold on, but hell.. i dont know how long it will last.



EDIT: BTW, I overdosed on 50 or so extra strength tylenol on July 13th.. i failed.

So there's a shitty fight going on between my brother and my mom. It's scaring the crap outta me and I want to run. I want to purge, I want to cut, I want out. I can't stand it. I need to get the hell out. This is why I think my stomach hurts like hell, this stress, this yelling, all this bullshit. I hate it. And they wonder why the hell I overdosed (and friggin' failed at it). Ugh. So, now my mom is going off somewhere and leaving me here with him. I dunno wtf to do...

So, things are kind of crappy. Struggling is well known though, so I guess it's not really new territory. Things are strained, therapy is getting really hard. My therapist is actually giving me the option to "take a break" but she also told me medically that she doesn't really think it's a great idea and that I need the support. I also think I'm developing an ulcer, it's really painful :( pepto is my new best friend. Not much else to say for now... <3,



-sadangelx
(molliebear)

Not too much going on... Have still been searching for rooms/apartments/townhouses to share. I've been catching up on the Grey's anatomy episodes that I have missed along the way over the weekend. My ED has been pretty crappy, but no self harm. I've been stuffing too much away and I'm scared of when it's going to blow up in my face. Must go...





-molliebear

So, still searching for rooms for rent/ apartments... I'm not very good at this. I'm running into dead ends. I can't get anywhere because my brother keeps taking control of the internet before I can really get any fucking work done on it... Eh, anyways.. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere with all of this, feeling very stuck. Starting to stuff everything inside and can't really do therapy because it's not too safe to let it all out. Have to go...




-molliebear

So it's early (for me at least)... am looking over apartments/rooms for rent more (have almost had enough of that crap). Really tired, stayed up late. Been contemplating SI for a long time and last night was more SU ideation kinda stuff. It comes and goes though.. so all is good i guess. Have to go, will write more later..<3,



-sadangelx
(Molliebear)

I'm not dead.

Yeah, so I ODed on 90 Klonopin a while ago.. it was a really stupid thing to do... yeah. So I spent 3 days at the medical hospital, then got shipped off to sheppard pratt for a bit- got out on monday night. So I'm doing better now- going to work again and eventually go back to school. Just an update.. im feeling sick and am going to sleep.







-molliebear

So I haven't posted here in ages. I'm doing okay given the circumstances. Just wanted to let everyone know I'm alive and well (for the most part). Off to sleep. <3,




-molliebear

So I'm posting again. I'm super bored at my mom's house. She's broke so it eliminates a lot of options. I'm feeling lonely and everyone is offline on facebook. I feel like crap from earlier ED issues and I feel guilty too. I'm kinda upset that my therapist didn't call back (even though I know it's a saturday) because it's like, I just got out of the hospital, doesn't she want to know what they said and if I'm okay? I dunno. I feel lost and out of place. I hate this. I want to self injure so badly but I know I can't. My anxiety is rising. I dunno what to do. I have these intrusive images of suicide crap. fuck. i am not going into a psych. ward... not again.i cant. i have to live out here in this shitty world. :( ugh. damn it.

my ED is kicking my ass. I hate it. I feel so damn guilty. I wonder if this will always haunt me. No matter how much weight I lose it's never enough. :'(





-molliebear

So I'm here at my mom's... it's kinda uncomfortable. I feel weird and out of place here. I feel sick to my stomach because I'm anxious about this crappy situation I'm in with a friend. This friend sent me a cell phone that they paid for for me and I went over with my minutes twice. I didn't mean to do it and it makes me feel like a complete idiot because I can't even keep an eye on minutes or figure out how to spare use of the phone during the day. Now this friend is mad at me and thinks I lied to them when I'm just a fucking retard and didn't recognize a friend's number that I don't really ever call. I hate ruining friendships or damaging them. I know it sounds melodramatic but I feel like I should punish myself for being such an idiot. I know that if I did anything though it would just piss this friend off. I'm trying so hard to pull the pieces of my life together and I'm failing. I'm tired of failing at everything I try. It's exhausting. They still don't know why I'm passing out. They say it's psychological which is AKA for "it's all in your head". I dunno about that, a pulse of 164 is not normal for a person my age that wasn't being active at the time. I just hate this spot I've fallen into. I feel like I don't deserve anything good because things in my life have gone so crappy. I feel eternally doomed to this kind of miserable life. I hate being homeless. People have no idea how anxiety producing it is. Ugh, anyways.. i must go, I have to figure out how to shower without getting my bandage wet. :(

Just got out of Sinai Hospital

I just got out of Sinai hospital today after a 6 day stay. I was having repeated sycope (fainting) episodes. The day before I got admitted I fainted and fell down 15 stairs head-first. While I was at Sinai they gave me fluids for a while, then they did 8 million sets of bloodwork, chest x-ray, EKG, etc. etc. The big thing they did was put a loop recorder implant in which is a little device the size of your pinky finger that goes in a pocket under your skin and you have a device that you press a button and hold up to where the unit is inside you and it records your pulse and heart rhythms for a set amount of time. I'm supposed to do this whenever I feel faint or my pulse is high. I also had an almost anaphylactic reaction to the antibiotic they gave me before they put in the implant. I turned bright red, my body swelled, I had a fever, needed to be put on oxygen (my lips were swelling and my breathing was getting progressively worse), and got a red rash and hives all over my body (even behind my knees and under my arms :( yikes was that unpleasant). It was awful. I still have a rash and can't shower for three more days (I haven't showered in 6 because I was in the hospital) because of the dressing over where the monitor is. It's cool technology I guess but it hurts like hell. Anyways, must go. That is where I have been.
P.S.-I passed my ortho's with flying colors :) yay.


-molliebear

Getting Nowhere

So I haven't written here in a while. a lot has gone on. I'm on my way to sheppard pratt again. I was just there in September and that makes me feel guilty about going back again. I'm sick, though I haven't had a "virus" or commmon sickness in a long time. I have a sore throat,ear aches,shakiness, and im sore in general. I was at Frederick Memorial Hospital from last wednesday (Dec. 31st) till Sunday (January 4th) because I kept passing out. I was orthostatic, when I stood up I went into Tachycardia (not good). So I got more fluids and was D/C'd. I was walking outside to wait on a bench for the cab and i passed out and whacked my head on the concrete. Somebody got nurses (one of them actually saw me fall) and they put me on a stretcher and took me to red zone (the highest level of care needed). My doctor from last admission was still there and he said they had to admit me b/c they couldn't let me go home and pass out. So then upstairs they tested for everything! They did EKG's, had a constant heart monitor on me, checked my blood sugar every two hours, did an EEG, did an echo of my heart, checked for infection, checked different levels in my blood (they stuck me 12 times for blood), had constant fluids on me for quite a while, MRI'd my head and neck, I had a head CT 3 times because I kept falling and hitting it on the floor... and they couldn't figure out why i was passing out. So they refer me to see my psychiatrist and regular doctor and discharge me. I pass out here at the crisis house... I see my regular doctor and he decides it's chronic dehydration (with a ? mark after the diagnosis he wrote on the paper). So now I'm on sodium chloride tabs (salt) and potassium supplements. For some reason my potassium gets low, who knows why. Anyways, I've been restricting lately, i eat dinner (by obligation here), but small portions and occasionally would purge but ive put that on hiatus for now because I dont want my passes (we have to put in passes to go out anywhere here) ruined from passing out. I self injured yesterday. Things are just going really slow for me, i just want to be there and be safe and get help because im tired of living this way. I can't seem to get the words out right here, and it's frustrating me. But I can't write anymore, my battery on my laptop is dying and there are no outlets around here. <3,

-molliebear

PAIN. GRrrrrr. I need to find a medical doctor in Frederick. Dr. Menocal puts me on hold for years and never answers, I don't even get to talk to a human being but I'm told to keep trying. Only one other doctor in Frederick will take my insurance and he seems kinda shady. I'm hoping to find a pain management clinic or specialist to help me deal with my fibromyalgia but I'm keeping my fingers crossed because if it's so damn hard to find a medical doctor who knows if I'll ever find a pain management/specialist place. I can talk to Cassandra about getting the electric impulse machine for my ankles but it costs 35$ and I dunno if she'd still sell it to me. Well, I'm off to read. I already checked my facebook and did all my online stuff. <3,




-molliebear

So I'm at crisis house and we're at the library. (note lack of extreme enthusiasm). I'm sore and I hurt, my fibromyalgia med ran out and my bitchy doctor wont write for it cuz she's stupid. she's slowly cutting my meds one by one until i get a new doctor (this is that I think her technique is). SO she's a bitch and i hate her. she is NOT on my team at all. anyways, im off to go watch intervention on youtube. <3,




-molliebear
p.s.- i will be at crisis until they find me a carroll county bed. who knows how long that will take.

So I've given up on FMH for basically any care unless I'm bleeding from my eyeballs or unconcious for more than 3 minutes. They suck, I hate them, whatever. I have a nodule in my right lung and that scares me though they reassure it's "fine" and have to re- x-ray in 3 months to make sure it doesn't grow or mutate or turn into something bad. I'm having an okay day, I miss dawn a lot and sam. I feel kinda hurt that they might have moved on from me. I feel lonely. I met a guy that I like a lot(friends) but he's still IP. I wish I could be working now, that Kohls hadn't decided to fire me due to my "excessive medical abscences". Hopefully I can get re-hired soon. My medical crap is just this big fog that hangs over me, I physically can't work right now and it's pissing me off. I have physical therapy tomorrow and today my fibromyalgia is REALLY pissing me off because it's bad. Well, gotta go, <3,



-molliebear

life's a bitch and then you die

So my life pretty much sucks. My kind, understanding [of mental illness] doctor wants me to see a university doctor because I'm too "complicated" with all my meds. I feel like every problem I have should be minimized or ignored because everyone in the entire world has to say "you're on so many medications" and then follow that by saying "you're so young to be on so many meds". I feel like wearing a shirt that says "Fuck it, I'll take NO meds and THEN you will see how I really am". Yes, we need bipolar people to stop taking their meds,people with PTSD and DID to get no relief from anxiety and of course god forbid I be able to pee or eat without pain or difficulty, oh yes, and we can't forget that I deserve to feel the pain of my fibromyalgia and I shouldn't be able to breathe despite my raging asthma. YES, THEN i would be perfect. then i would need no meds! my good doctor is leaving me, my therapist could give a shit less about me, i lost my job because of my mental illness needing care and I have a psychiatrist with the IQ of frozen yogurt (actually I won't 'diss frozen yogurt like that, it does have an IQ of 2). I have a broken family and a butchered past. Life is just dandy. I feel like giving up this bullshit. Maybe I'll just move to the inner city or something where they'll be glad I'm not high or drunk and in the streets or driving. Fuck this I'm sick of it.


-molliebear (who wants to cease to exist and is pissed off but as usual, will do absolutely nothing about it.)

So it's been forever since I posted last. I'm in my new place still (forget if i mentioned that b4). My bipolar is a mess [going totally insane] and I want to sleep a lot. My g/f Heather and I are doing really well, I love her lots and Michael Phelps is going to be our baby daddy. Hehe. I cut for the first time in 8 months but ALL my sharps are with Lew (therapist) so we're safe. IT'S HAT DAY! hahahaha. everyone today is wearing ridiculous hats. it's amusing. well, not much else to say, I hope to get into SP soon because I'm dyin' over here (Luckily Heather keeps me sane a bit). I miss my SP buddies. I'm off to find out the waiting list MYSELF for SP since my t and pdoc can't seem to do it themselves!!! <3,





((((hugs))))) molliebear

left hand not broken. yay (or not really, more undiagnosable crap which makes my mom keep talking about what a hypochondriac i am. [which im not, i was perfectly fine going w/o the x-ray & using a broken hand]) I go back to work on thursday, which i am REALLY looking forward to!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate vegetating & being broke. i am back w/ my ex-girlfriend again & that makes me happy. g2g, pain from single handed typing.
P.S.- I graduated from TAY & live w/ 2 housemates & there is so much less drama!!. <3,


-molliebear

It's been a while since I last updated. I'm doing okay, I'm nervous about moving and everything but at the same time SO happy to get away from the drama. I go to the neurologist tomorrow to find out why my knee and ankle are spasming/twitching/locking up and my knee falling out on my there. well, gotta run! The screen is getting blurry cuz I'm TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, <3,






-molliebear

It's been a long time since I last updated! I don't have consistent computer access. My trauma stuff is going really roughly right now, memories are being shared with me from other parts and other memories are becomming more clear. My ankle is doing better. I am lodging my formal complaint against the two orthopedists that treated me like shit (once they saw how many psych meds I'm on) before when I went for my consults. I finally saw a doctor at Carroll Urgent care in Westminister and she gave me some Flexoril for my spaming/twitching ankle that did it nonstop for 77+ hours. I also got some Vicodin for pain that replaces the Percocet I was taking. I have to tell Lew about a huge part of my trauma that I never told ANYONE about until last friday when I broke down and couldn't keep it a secret anymore. I'm trying to get two of my housemates that are very good friends to come back with me for moral support when I tell him because it is going to be so fucking hard!!! Anyways, I have to go, I have other stuff to look up but I hope everyone is doing okay and is safe.
<3,


-molliebear
P.S.- I am finally graduating from TAY after 4 years of 24/7 staffing and am moving to a 40 hour house that is less restrictive. I'm moving out August 1st. :D

It's been a while since I've been able to write. Since my laptop has been broken I haven't had regular internet access. I've been having a lot of trouble lately, with flashbacks and switching (I have DID). I also fell recently and sprained my ankle, scraped up my elbow (and it's bruised underneath) and banged my knee up, and I landed on my purse which caused a big rip in it. I'm still maintaining a pretty optimistic outlook, things are going well with school, I still have an A as far as I know (I'm taking French 101 at the community college). Work is okay but my favorite boss is leaving and moving to JCPenny's in two weeks and it really upsets me. She is the only one who smiles when she see's me, helped me when I had that medical crisis where I passed out on the floor of the breakroom, and encouraged me and told me positive things about myself. I'm going to wait before quitting to see who the new person is that repalces her, because if that person can't even out my other bosses I'm going to follow her there. I've worked at Kohls for two years now, I am a supervisor there and am familiar with how everything works so it will be hard to leave but I won't put up with my two other bosses constantly telling me everything I'm doing wrong or threatening that I might get fired because of X,Y,Z. I also am tempted to wait because we get raises in August and I want to compare what I would get paid, just for my own interest. I'm worried because I had to get a colonoscopy a week or so ago, and tomorrow I get the results from a sample they took during the procedure- I'm 99% sure they will find nothing wrong, but they did find several large internal hemmorrhoids which I have to see a specialist for on Wed. to see about preventing complications. I basically view life as having my good days and bad days, and I have more hope than I used to. I'm starting to look back into religion, which I abandoned long ago due to how hard things were for me at the time. I've been out of the hospital for 6 months now, and for the first time I don't feel the urge/impulse to go back immediately after the 6 month mark. I don't want to be unrealistic and say I'll never go back, because I never know what life will throw me, but right now I feel like I might be moving on to a stage where I can rely on other things to help me instead. I'm probably going to be moving out of my program in the next six months and it excites me but scares me at the same time. I've been in this program for almost 5 years and I've grown comfortable there, but realize i will need to move on. I have to go but I truly hope everyone is doing well, and I send hope and hugs out to those that are having a rough time and hope that they can at least find some encouragement in the fact that I care, even if I'm far away, at least you can know that at least 1 (and I *know* there are more) person truly cares for you and hopes the best for you. I still battle with the urge to SI almost everyday, but the time between impulses is growing longer. I'm learning to cope in other ways that I couldn't apply before. Sending lots of love <3,


(((hugs))),(molliebear)
"She takes the pills to fall asleep,And dream that she's invisible,Tormented dreams she stays awake,Recalls when she was capable"

So I was totally stressed out about my french class. I have an A right now (YAY). I didn't do so poorly on the exam as I thought (we didn't get them back, I just took it today). I miss my friends online dearly and hope to get my laptop fixed sometime when i get money (haha). I'm managing, pretty crappy, but managing. I haven't cut in over 14 weeks (i haven't kept count since my t last told me). I'm pretty tired though and I have a huge amount of homework to do. Well, I must go, the bus comes soon and we're not supposed to use the computers in this library for "recreational" use so I'm gonna go. Hope everyone is doing well!! ((hugs))


-molliebear