help me im drowning

so im waiting for the hot water to regenerate cuz dawn took a bath. work is double exhausting with fucking Rage making comments EVERY god damn second we have a customer (luckly i dont let him say em' out loud) but it makes me very very tired to suppress all his shit. I think he's like an abuser part for me, cuz he says things my dad said to me and stuff he did. April 1st was worse than other anniversaries because he introduced the knife into the mix. I don't want to trigger though. He would ******. that's why i did it like 3 times at SP a year ago. ive been having trouble keeping food down too. i haven't been throwing up, but i really want to, fucking bulimia- i blame him for that too. you can't be fat like your mother, she's a fat fucking cow that no one would want.... im listening to silverchair to try to make myself feel less alone in my issues. I want to stop feeling what im feeling. it hurts, im going to have a full blown flashback tonight i can tell. i'll end up in the damn closet again. i guess i hide in the closet because my dad didn't look in the laundry room closet because he was to fucked up to put forth the effort (although he eventually caught on). god i fucking hate the bastard. then he fucking pawns me off to his friends at work. ugh. sometimes i wonder if i have a huge sign on me that says "HURT ME!" "ABUSE ME!" "TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME!". as you can tell im having a shitty night. worse than yesterday. i want to cry but the tears do not come. I have therapy tomorrow and im going to be drained. im sharing Olivia's journal (she's the only one open to journaling right now, besides me). parts are freaking out because they dont want to integrate at the moment even tho that's the main goal. i hate feelings. i dont like anger. it scares me. anger is one of those emotions i stuff and when people are around me that are angry i retreat. i want help but i dont know how to get it. i miss dawn so much, that will bring tears to my eyes easily. i have abandonment issues (seriously). i only had one friend i talk to on a weekly basis (more than that) and that is because she lives in my house. i feel like a fucking loser. i want to cut so bad, ugh, REALLY REALLY bad... it's rough. i lost a "tool" somewhere in my room and i need to find it b4 someone else does... anyways im off. i need that hot bath.