so I went to the pdoc. I was wishing for him to add a mood stabilizer b/c my moods have been so up and down (but without manic episodes) lately but he (apparently) has lost hope in finding any med combination that would help and now spouts on about the benefit of psychotherapy. well duh. I'm in therapy. It obviously is not the end all cure all. I felt so low today it was hard to hold back tears in his office. i stared at my lap the whole time. then we got Starbucks, got food, picked up my reading glasses, tried to make it to the lab but they closed 15 minutes before we got there :/ So i have to go out there tomorrow and get my blood drawn so I can get more clozapine. It was an okay day but a certain staff (surprisingly not J) is pissing me off, whenever she's around i feel inferior and she treats us like children but expects us to complete responsibilities of an adult. She's pre-law, if that says anything . She doesn't have much empathy, just a logical understanding of the disorders. I want Melissa and Ann back!!!!!! They were kind AND firm with us. Sweet jesus. I swear they're trying to make this place a living hell so we'll all want to move out right now. Well, yes, I do want to move out, but not *today* thank you. My pdoc told me I don't express things because I fear I'll hurt other people's feelings and he wants me to talk about that in therapy. I'd like to express that everytime they mention us needing to move on and move out I almost puke out of anxiety. I'm sure I will move out soon, I just don't need that added to my list of worries for the *DAY*. I'm not getting the praise when I do things well and I'm the stupid wannabe perfect person that needs it occasionally. My pdoc described me as "raw" from therapy. Well no shit sherlock. That's why I fantasize about cutting my eyes out or performing "surgery" on myself to get rid of all of that god damn fat. Sure, that's normal thinking. And he says hospitalization just to get a reprieve is stupid because I come out and my problems are still there. He said I should go if I'm suicidal but otherwise let the great wonders of therapy fix it (and of course it's going to fix it!9 years certainly has made such a difference, I'm *still* cutting and now I have a diagnosed ED! Wow, that was some miracle they made). I miss my aunt. I want her back. I want to hold her, hug her, tell her i love her. I never got to do that before she died. Going to my grandma's did make me more depressed because it seemed like she should be there and she wasn't. Everyone put on their happy facade and feigned laughter. It was all so fake. I came inside and saw the old family picture from the year before and looked at her smiling face. She had no idea she wouldn't be around for the next family picture. This tears me up inside. I'm still grieving and it's been a year. What's wrong with me? I have to go, I need to take a shower and go to bed so I can end yet another worthless day.<3,




-molliebear