fuck this, fuck it all

so three people ask me if im pregnant/when im due today. I take Jess' attitude and think of it in the way that it's a conversation starter, everyone loves babies ,etc. etc. I do that fine until the third or fourth person says it and they *don't believe me*. yes, this is the secret to my pregnancy, i work at kohls and pretend im not secretly carrying a child when I'm not .I know the solution to this problem is to lose the weight, but i can't do that fast enough it seems. people who see me regularly are saying my face is starting to slim down. we're starting to go to the Y on wednesdays too now. The lovely kick-me-in-the-ass of the day was when my mom blew me off AGAIN and didn't even really call to say she's not coming (not before we got to the library at least). So I need to learn to not expect much or anything of her because it gets me no where. i am pretty pissed. so pissed that i cried. i want to cut so incrediblely badly but the heat is the only thing keeping me from it. it's like 58392573295832 degrees outside and id hate to imagine wearing long sleeves all day. Wearing them to work is hard enough (and that is just to cover the scars) or even worse if i had to change dressings and whatnot that would suck. so im currently expressing anger towards my mother. this is a positive thing because both my pdoc and my t say i have trouble expressing anger or dealing with it. you want me to deal with it? i will, i'll call my mom up and tell her exactly what i think. that she spends more time with my brothers than me; that she's irresponsible, selfish, and lazy; that she never did motherly things when i was a child; that her pitiful attempts at making up for my shitty childhood aren't good enough. She can try to buy my love all she wants but in the end I know she knew. She had to. there is no other explanation. my god damned allergies are bothering me as well and im feeling like shit because i've been up since 6am. Fucking good ridance. <3,



-( a very pissed off) molliebear