the world is ...... ugh.

my teeth are killing me, but it's my own damn fault. i feel like i have no friends again. "A" freaked out, I tried to help, I didn't kno what to do, but staff were being a-holes and ignoring shit when she could be unsafe (was mounting to that) and that pissed me off. i have a new system of asking for help w/ staff, i put a bracelet on the doorknob and then i dont have to directly ask for staff help. i dunno if it'll help, it's hard to talk to them. im half excited/half freaked because im gonna get a new t. i dont know how im going to terminate w/ my current one. im scared she'll get angry or hurt me. I've been peeling at my lips a lot, until they bleed. i haven't cut or burned since ive been out but i have binged & purged and im scared of what the dentist will say. im scared she will make mean comments about my eating d/o and trauma issues. i know it's gross not to brush your teeth but everytime i freaking try i go into flashback/get major body memories/gag and puke anyhow unintentionally (and this information does not make the ED better!). I tried rinsing w/ gentle mouthwash but now i cant even do that, the root of one of my teeth is exposed and it burn like hell and hurts when i do anything. so my only resort is flossing and rinsing with warm water. i kno im disgusting. im sorry. i feel wiped out. i took a two hour nap. i only worked 5 & 1/2 hours today and tomorrow I work 9-5. It's okay, it's soooooooo less busy. It gets lonely though- being the only cashier on one side. i wish i could take a book but that totally would not be allowed.I like work for now, it's a good distraction, I get to be "27" but not THE "27". I just help out. Tammy's been covering my shift. it was very nice of her to do that, she is so sweet. i love her lots cuz she makes work more fun and i hope she never changes jobs!! I'm feeling anger and I'm not really sure where it's coming from or where it is going. It's like pouring a cup of soda and accidently pouring too much because of the bubbles being deceiving. I whine an awful lot and i feel guilty about that. ugh, i hurt inside too (like, in my soul, not my internal organs). so much yucky pain. i miss mommy. ive been switching like hell, and it's been giving me a freaking migraine. i did well shopping today (only spent 30$)- im on a food and money budget for my monthly goal.i have 80$ to put in my bank account. now im crying because of the song "Concrete Angel" by Martina McBride. It's really hitting me hard. ive been numbing and lying and stuffing so much now im scared it's gonna overflow and ill freak out or have to feel this all at once. i want a normal daddy so bad. i want someone to walk me down the aisle, do daddy things. i want my future kids to have a grandfather (i never did). Well, I'm going to go now, im just too yuck and hurt to write anymore. <3,


-molliebear